TangledWings

Your Stories {feelin' the love}

If you have been following all my stories about ArtFest then you read about the mini meltdown I had during the first workshop.  It was a truly intense moment for me.  But at the end of the workshop I sat in a room full of budding poets and words dripping with soulful truth and felt an incredible sense of love, the kind of feeling that leaves one believing in god, or at least in some kind of power greater than the self.

Through most of my ordinary days I don't hold on to that sense of love the way I wish I could.  I forget what it feels like to know without a doubt that love indwells me and surrounds me.  I manage to forget that I am deeply loved just as I am, right where I am.  That is why these moments when I do recognize it are so powerful and significant.  They are what pulls me through those moments when feeling that deep unconditional love is nothing more than a memory.  When those moments of experiencing what I choose to call divine love occur I try to breathe them in as deeply as possible, pulling them into my body, memorizing the sensations, being fully present in the moment so that it can transform me in little bits and pieces.  And then life goes on and the moment slips away.  Like the rest of life it is a cycle...the remembering, forgetting, and remembering again. 

Most of the time those moments aren't planned or expected.  They just happen, slipping up on me and catching me unaware.  They always leave me a little teary, a little breathless, and very humble.  They are why I believe in god, in myself, in hope, in life's ability to unfold in ways that support me as a worthwhile human being.  They are why I believe my journey into knowing myself, embracing myself, and accepting myself is the most important journey I will ever take.

When was the last time you felt that kind of love, the kind of love that is beyond human capabilities?  Maybe it started inside of you and then tumbled out.  Maybe you sensed it surrounding you and you pulled it within.  What were you doing when that moment occurred?  How did you honor it?  How do you hold it inside and recall the knowledge of that love when life gets really messy?  When was the last time you knew without a doubt you are loved in a way that is beyond comprehension and explanation?  And when the knowledge of that love sneaks up on you, who are you after it wraps itself tightly around you then silently slips away?  I always find that in that moment and the moments afterward I am my truest and best self. 

Your Stories {tears}

Earlier in February after writing this post about finally letting myself cry over something I'd been holding on to I had an idea, something I wanted to start incorporating into my blog.  If you've read my blog for very long you know how I feel about sharing our stories, how important it is to me, and that I believe in the sharing we connect with one another and we find healing.  You have probably also discovered that one of the things I value most about blogging is the community you can build through blogging and it's hard, maybe even impossible, to build community without sharing bits and pieces about ourselves, without sharing our stories.  So what I want to do, maybe once a month, maybe more, maybe just when a topic comes to me...I don't know yet, is ask you to share a story about some specific topic. 

Because of the Tears post I've been thinking quite a bit about tears so I thought my first topic would center around tears. 

When was the last time you cried?...

It's not unusual for me to cry once a day.  I'm just like that.  Little things touch my heart and my eyes well up with tears.  Commercials, Deal or No Deal, the words to a song or poem, someone's story, something I read in the paper, something Britton says or does, etc.  There is joy and sorrow all around us and both tend to make me cry.  I actually haven't cried today and that's odd for me.  The last time I cried was last night.  Before I doze off my mind usually starts spinning.  I do a lot of my best thinking right before I fall asleep.  That's probably because it's one of the few times in the day I actually quiet myself long enough to pay attention to my thoughts.  I start thinking about poems I need to write (and I write them in my head) and blog posts I could write (and I write them in my head too).  Last night I was lying in the dark working through a poem and parts of what I wanted to say in the poem about relationships and vulnerability and risk and letting go of all the bullshit that keeps us from fully connecting with others made little tears run down my cheeks.  There were things I wanted to put into words, true and beautiful things, and the truth and the beauty brought tears to me eyes.  Although I'm really passionate about being my truest self and fully showing up in my life I'm also aware of those times I don't show up, times that I pull back, times I'm too guarded.  I see that guardedness in myself and I see the vision I have of myself and the two conflict.  That's okay.  It's not a negative thing.  It's just what it is.  There's no judgment.  But knowing who I want to be and knowing when I'm not living from that place can at times crack my heart.  And that crack in my heart is often where my words come from...as well as my tears.  What cracks my heart are the things that are important to me, the things I'm passionate about, and often our passion can bring our tears because there's so much emotion and energy behind the passion.  I was thinking about all these things last night in the dark and I began to cry.  I cried as I created this poem, a poem I wrote in my head then couldn't remember when I woke this morning.  And that's okay because I'm learning that some things need to be written but never put on paper.  It just needs to be said, sometimes to nothing or no one other than what hides in the darkness, and then simply let go.

When was the last time you cried?...