What I think is just as interesting as what we wear is what we don’t wear…or maybe I should say what we don’t let ourselves wear...you know, those things you can imagine yourself in yet you never wear...those things you long to wear and yet you hold back. If you’re anything like me then every once in awhile you’ll catch a little glimpse of yourself, in a vision, in a dream, in a daydream, and you’ll realize that who you are now and who that person is in the daydream are pretty widely separated. It’s not that one is any more true than the other. It’s just that they’re different pieces of you. I have a piece that’s pretty subdued and wears mainly t-shirts with skirts/slacks/jeans...and panty hose...and then I have other pieces that are a little more exciting, a little more eclectic, and little more outrageous and adventurous. Both are true of me. But I have recognized that I tend to live more out of the subdued piece than the more fun, bold, bohemian pieces. There are different reasons for that. For one, sometimes I doubt I could really pull off the look I have in my head, my dream, my daydream. For instance, I love tattoos. I have three. But if I really gave into my fancy…and if I had the money…I’d be covered in tattoos. I love them that much. A good friend and I love to regularly visit our favorite local sandwich shop. It’s next door to a tattoo parlor and was started by the wife of the owner of the tattoo parlor. Having a lot of tattoos is almost a prerequisite for working at this sandwich shop. I see these beautiful bohemian women covered in color and I think, god I wish I could pull that off. But I’m not certain I could. I think I’d either look trashy or worse, I'd look like a wannabe. I’m a little too conservative to pull it off. Or maybe it’s just that I feel too conservative. Maybe that’s not actually how other people perceive me but the way I perceive myself. I know inside I'm not conservative but I tend to have a hard time shaking that on the outside.
Which brings me to reason number 2: self-perception. I have always felt like the cute one. The one who wears lots of pink and lots of lace and lots of ‘cute’ shoes, etc. And there is a part of me that is cute. But I think at some point I grabbed onto that label so tightly that dressing any other way feels…well…it feels odd. I know there are so many other versions of myself that lie right under the surface but I don’t know how to move into those versions because I don’t know exactly how to let go of the perception of myself as cute. Now there’s nothing wrong with cute so I hope you’re not hearing me say that. Cute is fine. But that’s not all I am. I am so many other things that I just don’t know how to get to, how to express. When I try and it goes against my self-perception it just feels uncomfortable.
And then there’s reason number 3 for why I don’t let myself wear some of the things I’d like to wear: I’m scared of what other people will think/say. I’m afraid of other people’s opinions. So I choose to play it safe and stay with a style that only reveals a sliver of who I truly am. Women are the worst about this. I don’t know that men notice what women wear (unless it’s something really revealing or something really outrageous) nearly as much as women do. I’ve never heard a man whisper to another man, who does she think she is today wearing that dress? Oh but I’ve heard women whisper to other women. And god I hate being talked about. Don’t you? Sadly I hate it so much that I rarely take chances. I rarely go for something a little more ‘creative’ and instead stick with the basics—the skirt and t-shirt.
I started this month’s SPC out by talking about not feeling like I have style, feeling like I don’t really have a “look.” Maybe part of that is because I’m not really willing to invest a lot of money into a wardrobe. I like to spend my money on other things…like poetry books. Maybe part of that is because I have so many pieces of myself vying for attention that I’m not certain which one to dress. Maybe part of that is because I haven’t quite learned how to not give a shit about other people’s opinions and to shrug off any behind-the-back talk. And maybe part of that is because I’m still holding on to a perception of myself that is limited and incomplete. I haven’t surrendered to the vision of myself I see in dreams and daydreams and I’m still holding on to what is familiar, comfortable, and expected. I’m still seeing myself as someone I’ve outgrown.
There seem to be several themes running in my life right now and one of those themes is owning my life, creating my life, clarifying and defining the vision I have of myself. In some areas that has been a little easier than in other areas. When it comes to letting clothing express what dwells on the inside I know I’ve had several different visions of myself over the years. About 7 or so years ago, before B was born, if you’d asked me what one article of clothing I really wanted to own I would have said some type of cape...like this one. I was in a very Fleetwood Mac phase at the time and totally adored Stevie Nicks. Before that I wanted a crunched up cowboy hat. At the time they weren’t nearly as popular as they are now and I had a really difficult time finding one. Now I find myself drawn to cowboy boots. I want a whole variety that I can wear with skirts and dresses. The summer before this past summer I went with my mom to visit a high school friend of hers who lives a little more than an hour away from Santa Fe. I love that area. Something about the desert, that wide expanse of space and sky, the small accents of color on an otherwise brown canvas, the crumbling remnants of a time that no longer exists, all of that really appeals to me. Since that trip I have seen myself more than once roaming around the desert, my camera around my neck, wearing boots with my skirts. So you know I just had to break down and buy myself a pair (which is a pretty great story that I might share sometime but not tonight as this post is already getting too long.) I haven’t worn them very often because, although I love them and will often just pull them out of the closet to lovingly stare at them, I don’t exactly know how to wear them. I don’t know how to get the ‘look’ I want and nothing in my closet seems to match that ‘look,’ I also struggle to wear them because I don’t feel quite at home with them yet. I’m still holding back a little…still a little afraid of the unfamiliar feeling they illicit…and still a little scared of possible comments that might be made in my direction such as, who the hell does she think she is today, wearing her boots like she's all that? But I’m working on owning this part of myself, this vision of myself as someone a little more free-spirited than I normally express.
If I look at all these examples of clothing cravings there seems to be an underlying theme linking them together. For me each article (the cape, the crunched up cowboy hat, the boots) represents a part of myself I don’t allow to have much breathing room. They represent a piece of myself that is more bohemian, more free, more alive, more colorful, more powerful, more self-assured, more self-possessed. So when these clothing cravings sneak up on me, when I can’t stop seeing myself in boots with skirts that drag in the desert dirt and get caught on cacti, I know it’s because there is something I need to pay attention to. I know those cravings are hints about all the ways I don’t express myself. They're symbols of everything that’s real and true that I keep locked away out of sight. I know it’s my own spirit just wanting to have permission to be a little bigger, a little more real, a little more expressive. I know those cravings are pieces of myself crying out to be set free. They're expressions of my longing to be a more complete version of myself. So when you see me wearing my boots know that today I had the courage to be a little more of the person I know I am underneath the labels, the fears, the discomfort, the doubts, the past, the insecurities. I had the courage to be a fuller version of myself than the limited version I so often cling to out of familiarity and comfort.
