TangledWings

Still and Quiet

I haven't had much to say lately.  All the excitement of early April tapered off into quiet stillness.  Maybe it's because I've felt too restless to settle myself into words.  Nothing seems to hold my attention long enough to manifest into any kind of substance.  Or maybe it's because I turn 35 in two short weeks and I've found myself very introspective, not handling aging as well as I tell myself I am.  Finding myself in my late thirties has a very different feel than being in my early thirties.  Or maybe it's that I'm questioning what's next, what is that next thing I need to give my energy too, that thing that will fill me with excitement like blogging did in the beginning and then later photography.  I'm in that place where I'm ready for something new, hungry for it even.  Or maybe it's because after returning from Seattle I've felt a little trapped in my life, wanting something more but feeling so uncertain, balancing on what it while spinning on what can be.

That's where I am right now: a place of still quietness with underpinnings of restlessness.

So how are you...or should I say where?

I Really Need a Vacation...or Art Fest Can't Come a Moment Too Soon

Talk about moody.  I feel like I've been the biggest bitch lately.  I can't quite figure out what's going on with me other than I really need to get away from everything.  I've been sleeping in the extra bedroom not because anything is wrong with my relationships but because I've been in such a bad mood for the past few days I've sequestered myself away from everyone else.  Little things grate on my nerves.  I come unglued easily and I'm in a really bad place with myself.  I've done a lot of beating up on myself lately (read: a whole lot of overeating...a WHOLE LOT of overeating.)  I feel completely miserable and although I've been trying to do little things for myself, to nurture myself, nothing seems to be working.  I've curled up in bed the past couple evenings in tears because I feel so unhappy...and for no reason other than I can't quite get in sync with myself.  Which is why I'm so glad I'll be heading to Art Fest next week.  I need it.  I need time to bond with fellow friends and artists.  I need time to do some major soul nourishing things, like lots of writing.  I need time to gift myself with the invaluable gift of creative renewal.  I need to leave work and responsibilities behind and have one great big play date with my inner artist.  I can't wait.  This evening I purchased a few last minute clothing items (a new jacket, a couple of new shirts) and I pulled the suitcase out of the closet to begin filling it.  I have a lot to do between now and my flight on Tuesday but not even my mile long to-do list can squelch my excitement. 

when it rains...

My life is in a transitional time.  It seems like over the past two to three weeks it has not only rained...it has poured.  The B-Dog had strep throat and Fifths disease.  Then T's Papaw died.  Then the B-Dog had a ear infection in both ears and some kind of virus.  On top of all that I've been training a new co-worker and I've been receiving training for a new position, not to mention the photo sessions I'm trying to edit and wrap up during the evenings.  Needless to say life has been anything but routine.  There have been many sleepless nights, many stress-filled days, a bit of traveling, a lot of exhaustion, and not much time for the things I really enjoy doing.  I surprised myself this past weekend by staying in bed Saturday until after 2:00.  I was just that wiped out.  It's taken a lot of focus to work in a little bit of time each day for the things that feed me, things like writing, reading poetry, photography, creating, etc.  And it's times like these when one realizes you have a certain amount of energy to give every 24 hour period of time and that choices have to be made as to how to spend that energy--trying to spend it on things that will energize and nourish as opposed to totally drain.  So blogging has been pushed to the side.  For the next few weeks...or months depending on how long it takes me to get settled into all this newness...you might be getting a lot of simple posts--photo posts, poems written in the past, lists, and random ramblings.  It's just one of those times, one of those big life transition kind of times.  Life is demanding my attention...and I guess I better give it all I can.

ps--the above image was taken through a kaleidoscope

This is me today...

Today the weather was so warm I didn't need a jacket and being able to walk into the warm sunshine made me feel alive...Today I'm not certain what I want to write about and decided I needed to simply write about where I am right now, today, because the uncertainty about what to write stems from the unusual week I've had (unusual meaning totally out of our 'normal' routine) and the feelings of disconnection this unusual week brought with it ...Today I want to curl up with my journal and make a list of things I want to do that I don't let myself do because of fear, intimidation, or the simple fact I don't make time for it...Today that type of list seems essential because it will bring me back to myself and that's exactly what I need...Today I wish I could hide away for several hours to make that type of list and do some additional writing because when my words start to pile up inside me I feel off balance...Today I renewed a friendship with someone I haven't seen for almost 5 years...Today I learned that when you've gone into yourself and out again with someone else, seeing that person again is like picking up right where you left off, that deep connection is still there because you have shared far too much of yourself with that person (and vice versa) for it to dissolve...Today I realized how far I've come and where I am headed and that feels both right and good...Today I'm feeling sad about my co-worker leaving his position and moving to another city not just because his position will be vacant but because he really has given a lot to me in the short amount of time I've known him...Today I have decided to make a small career change and although I know it's the best thing for me in the long run I feel grief over the things I will miss about my current position...Today I am opening the door to new possibilities...Today I am being brave and believing in my abilities...Today I sense body image issues beginning to resurface which feels like I'm battling my body again because those issues always bring with them a feeling of desperation and panic...Today I ache to be at peace with myself...Today I hunger for authenticity and the courage to more often make myself vulnerable without immediately feeling the need to draw back into myself, protect myself, and fold my heart back up...Today I wish there were times you could hold on to something and never let it go...Today I'm in denial about some things I'm feeling because I'm not ready to feel them fully and that's okay for the moment but I've got to get real soon because although not getting real is an option it's not the healthiest and wisest and most authentic option...Today my son has strep throat and 5ths disease (sounds dramatic but really it's not) and that has knocked this week out of balance...Today I am resisting my e-mail because I just don't want to deal with it...Today I want to feel beautiful but those resurfacing body image issues are getting the best of me...Today I know those issues are eating at me but I choose tenderness and compassion...Today I choose to love myself...Today I found a sweet card propped against my bathroom mirror left there by my mom...Today I'm grateful that I'm starting to see my mom in a fuller way, not just as a parent, but as a fellow human being with her own goals and dreams...Today I'm planning a trip to my aunt's house for the weekend to take pictures of my newly engaged cousin and although it's family I still get nervous before a portrait session...I'm ready to let go of today...

The Weird and The Random

It's been awhile since I've written a post of completely random thoughts.  I thought that would be a good choice on this MLK holiday...

• I have taken to collecting rusty, smashed bottle caps (see mosaic above).  When I take my daily walk (well, almost daily) I look for these squashed treasures, stuff them in the pocket of my sweatshirt, take them home, and add them to the glass canister I'm using to contain them.  I find they hold a rough, yet delicate, kind of beauty.  They're like little tin flowers, one side still slightly gleaming with color, the other side squished and rippled like petals pressed between the pages of a book.  And each one unique.  My favorites are the really, really flat and rusty ones.  These have become so delicate with wear that they truly are almost as delicate as dried petals and they tend to be rare finds because it takes just the right amount of moisture (not enough and it won't rust) and just the right amount of pressure (too much and it becomes embedded into the asphalt, unable to be pried free.)
• I have also started a second jar of miscellaneous objects I find on my walks, things that are interesting but that I don't want mixed in with my bottle caps--things like smashed batteries, broken cigarette lighters, smashed glasses, and unrecognizable scraps of metal.  T doesn't understand why I keep bringing these things home and depositing them into this large canister but I told him it's like this collage I'm creating in a jar, one that can easily shift and change simply by adding new objects or stirring up the objects I already have so that a new pattern, a new perspective, is created.
• I saw Atonement this weekend.  It left me with a hollow ache inside.
• At least once a day I check the world time feature on my cell phone because I like knowing at any given time exactly what time it is in Paris.
• As I type this it is 2:48 am in Paris.
• Bright and early tomorrow morning this year's Oscar nominations will be announced.  Oh the excitement!
• Speaking of possible Oscar nominees...have you seen the January 24th issue of Rolling Stone magazine.  Yeah...I think my exact words when I say it was 'holy god'...
• Today was a really good day, one of those days you hold in your hand and feel a peaceful sense of satisfaction.  I got a much needed haircut.  I made a new journal (it's not quite finished yet) and then I took myself to lunch at my favorite sandwich shop.  I spent most of my day at the sandwich shop where, after eating, I wrote for three straight hours...well maybe it was closer to 2 1/2 once you take time out for eating.  And I would have stayed longer except 1) I realized it was time to pick the B-Dog up from school and 2) the sandwich shop closes at 3:00.