Navigating: Grief, Divorce, and Other Stuff

While I was in Seattle I received some sad news.  My aunt, my father's sister, died.  Although she'd been ill for many years her actual death happened very suddenly.  According to my dad she told her husband earlier in the week that she "didn't feel right."  She was her usual scrappy, happy self until Saturday when she was unresponsive.  My sister called to give me the news and less than an hour later my sister called again to tell me she had died.  I returned from Seattle just in time for family visitation and the funeral the following day.

As many children of divorced parents will tell you, no matter how long your parents have been divorced there is still shit that comes up and has to be navigated through.  For me this was one of those times.  My parents have been divorced for about 30 years.  There is still the delicate "tight rope" walk and situations that feel icky and gross.  My sisters and I grew up with my mother and her family and although we see my dad and his family we are somewhat distant from them.  We aren't a part of most of the memories that give family members a sense of belonging.  We are on the outside.  One of the reasons the three of us stayed as close to my dad's family as we are was because of this aunt.  She kept us connected all those years when my dad lived hundreds of miles away in Colorado.  Because of that I have really good memories of my aunt, memories of cinnamon graham crackers under the trees in her backyard and really good games of hide-and-go-seek.  But distance and divorce can do crazy things to family dynamics.  The anticipation of what could happen because of those dynamics have to be waded through during emotionally intense family gatherings such as a death.

I have to admit that when my sister told me my aunt had died I was a little concerned about my reaction.  I didn't know what I felt.  I wasn't even certain I felt anything.  She warned me my dad would be calling shortly and when he did call I didn't answer.  I couldn't at that time handle the emotion that might be waiting for me on the other end.  Instead I opted to wait to return his call when I was on my way home. Because my own feelings felt so unclear I didn't think I could hear my dad's feelings without either taking them on myself or totally pushing them away. 

Luckily I was with two very good blogging friends when I received the news.  They reminded me that grief doesn't have to look a certain way, that grief has as many faces as the situations that accompany the grief.  My grief in this instance was more quiet and subdued.  I wanted to find a restaurant and just sit for awhile.  I didn't need to talk.  I didn't need to cry.  I just wanted to be still.  And I have remained in that still place over the past few days.  When I saw my aunt in her casket the tears did come but for the most part I have remained very drawn into myself. 

Liz and Kim also reminded me that I have a right to my grief.  My sisters and I have talked about how because of our distant relationship with my dad we often don't feel like we have the "right" to grieve for loved ones on his side of the family.  When my dad's father died years ago I struggled to give myself permission to feel as sad as my cousins who did have a close relationship with him.  My grief had a different aspect than their's--because of the distant relationship I would never know this man who truly meant a lot to me.  Part of my grief was the fact that I would never have the chance to know him the way they did.  And even if I had extra time chances are that wouldn't change the outcome.  The odd dynamics of divorce would keep the distance in place despite how much time was available.

It's this aspect of grief that I don't know can be understood unless you have experienced it.  I found it odd that at my aunt's funeral my cousins (her children) said for than once, "I'm so glad you girls could be here."  I thought, where else would we be?  Just because our relationship was distant and sometimes strained did not mean that my aunt didn't mean a great deal to us.  Everyone on my dad's side of the family means more than most people realize.  They are a part of our everyday lives even though we don't see them often.  They are still a part of who we are.  And there is always the ache for the relationship I would have liked to see exist that never will because of the way life turned out.  I'm not saying that we don't have the choice to create the relationships we'd like to have.  We do.  But I also believe we operate within other people's choices as well and the choice of my parent's divorce has impacted the choices I have.

There is also another element that may not be understood unless you've experienced it and that is the role of the other parent.  My mom stayed in close contact for many years with this particular aunt.  While I can't say they were friends their continued relationship is part of what kept me and my sisters connected to that side of the family.  So of course my mom wanted to attend the funeral.  I don't know how that felt for my dad--if it was awkward, if it was welcomed, if it had no feeling at all.  What I do know is how it felt for me.  And it was a relief.  I was glad to have her there with me both at the funeral and at the family visitation the night before.  It was like having a familiar, stable presence in an uncertain situation, in a situation that was both emotional and uncomfortable.  My mom's parents also attended the funeral and they too added that safe and familiar element to a situation I had to navigate that felt very awkward and uncertain.

Over the past few days I've been working through all of this within myself.  I've not only been sitting with the grief of loosing an aunt but also navigating through the dynamics of divorce and the way divorce touches so many areas of life, even years down the road.  In my experience there are times when divorce makes some situations more difficult and delicate, more uncertain and ambiguous.  And just like I did when my parents' divorce was fresh and new, I find myself trying to figure out my way through it.  As a child I had naivete on my side and was better able to just be.  Now as an adult I find I am much more aware of the complexities that can accompany divorce and the "tight rope" walk of navigating through the unexpected parts that creep up along the way.        

Comments

[Joyce Roberts]

Your post has stirred up feelings that I haven't lived with for a long, long time. My parents divorced when I was 10. That was 45 years ago and it is something that becomes a permanent part of you. The awkwardness is a woman's way of trying to find the right place to fit in all the relationships that just don't have the ease of pre divorce days. Trying to keep everyone happy and not to hurt anyone's feelings. I am now going through my daughters divorce to a man who should have never been a part of our family. Much damage has been done. My grandchildren and their mother are living with us now and your post has opened my eyes to the fact that I must choose my words carefully and help them through the rough times ahead. They are so young and will need guidance to deal with this troubled individual. Sorry to ramble on but I wanted to let you know how much I appreciate your wise words. You have really touched my heart. I am very sorry for your loss. Love for another person doesn't have to be blood related. It is even more special if it is earned. How lucky your aunt was to have you in her life.

[Louise Jozwiak-Fredieu]

Whoa! You are my first blog . . . and i could not have chosen better if i had chosen myself. But this was a God thing, just like the many other God moments in my life. i have been very low since my mother died last December. You have helped me understand some of my feelings. Thank you much.
Louise

[Frankie]

Oh sweet Michelle, I understand this so much better than I would like to. I am so sorry for your loss. Navigating divorce is so difficult, and it is only now, after almost four years, that I am even BEGINNING to understand and I know I still have a long way to go yet.

When my grandfather died (a step-grandfather, at that), I was sad, but not as sad as I felt I should have been. I went to work the day of his funeral and left just an hour before. It felt like a completely normal day just with this extra thing I needed to do. I was sure I seemed heartless, or maybe was heartless. I kept wondering why I didn't FEEL anything? And then my sister-in-law came in, hugged me, and said "I'm so sorry for your loss." And I started to cry. It WAS my loss. Even if it didn't really feel like it belonged to me. My mother was not his real daughter. His REAL daughters were there. My parents sat in different rows and said nothing to each other. I felt like an outsider at his own funeral.

But when Zoe hugged me and comforted me, I realized that I did in fact, need comfort. I allowed myself to have the right to grieve, just as you stated.

Anyway, I'm rambling, but I just wanted to say thank you for sharing this and I understand and I am so very sorry for YOUR loss. (((((HUGS)))))

xoxox

[vateresa]

Wow--you are a very powerful, insightful writer. Brought back my parent's divorce, very different in many ways--but circles back to the choices leftover after a divorce. Peace be with you through your grief of both the loss of your aunt and the loss of your paternal bonds.

[jenica]

i actually have had my mind on the process of grief recently, i even wrote about it. the conclusion that i've come to is that our lives are like puzzles, each person having a special piece. all together it makes a beautiful picture, but each piece is important. when a piece is missing, no matter how complicated the situation is, we mourn for that piece and the beauty it brought to our lives.

xoxo

[Aundria]

I'm so sorry for the loss of your aunt and all of the pain that her passing, and the loss of the relationships with her and the rest of your dad's family that you wish you could've had with them. I'm relieved to hear that you've given yourself permission to grieve how you need to grieve & not how someone else believes you should; everyone's process is different and there's no time limit on it. I'm Sending you a hug, {{Michelle}}. Go easy on yourself & thank you for again being so vulnerable and honest here. You're not alone.

[Sam]

This is a hard thing, and you've done a marvelous job articulating the hardness of it all. Goodness, the family dynamics that come into play...it's really truly difficult, to stay true to yourself. I'm so glad you were among friends in that moment when you got the news, friends to help you along the way, and your sweet family to be there with you for the funeral and visitation. I'm sorry that you've lost your aunt, it's just a tough thing. Sending you many loving thoughts.

[megg]

I am so sorry to hear of your loss - it's more the stuff that comes with loss that is the thing isn't it? If we could just grieve the loss of someone, that would be easier, but we have to go through all of the "stuff" that comes with that relationship and the relationships around it -

take care of you -

[NTE]

I'm so sorry about your aunt's death and all of the conflicting emotions it has brought up for you. I really can only send along my best thoughts for you, as you wind your way through yet another complicated family situation.

[Rori Raye]

So sorry for your loss, and thank you for sharing the complex emotions you're experiencing. We're all so quick to label our feelings and our reactions - as if there's a right and a wrong to them, and there isn't - there's only the way we feel. I think you're inspirational also, and look forward to more of your insights and thoughts. Rori

[leah]

divorce can make things so complicated. i have had similar experiences and it's not a lot of fun, especially when mixed with grief.

i'm so sorry for your loss!!

[Kerstin]

Hi Michelle,

I, too, am very sorry about the loss of your aunt. Our situation is somewhat similar, my parents divorced when I was 8 or 9 and we have also stayed in contact with some of my father's family and my mother is actually good friends with my father's sister. But my parents could not be in the same room for many years and when they finally were able to put the past behind them it was such a relief. These days my mother invites my father (who married and divorced twice more) to some of our family gatherings and it's all pretty amicable. I get on better with my dad than I ever have before, I definitely have a much better appreciation for the decisions my parents made back then now that I am that age myself.

As for the grief I agree with what others have said, there is no right or wrong way to work through it and it sounds to me like you have found the path that is right for you.

Take good care,
Kerstin xo

[joy pedrow]

Hey
you seem like a very inspirational type of person, you should check out my blog.
it's called joy full circle, and people can send in anything inspirational.

check it out and send something in!
http://joyfullcircle.blogspot.com/
thanks -Joy

[liz elayne]

my gut reaction to this post is how proud of am of you...you are claiming the feelings you have and allowing yourself to feel them. i think this is the first step to letting go of the guilt that can be such a big part of being a child of divorced parents...well, if you are a bit like you and me.
i have been thinking about you so much and wondering how things are this week. that tightrope is so very hard. i am glad your mom was there with you...

whispering: and i wonder if your cousins said that they were so glad you were there because they are navigating raw grief and were so very glad to have people who loved their mother there. i know that my reaction to my dad's mother's constant "we are glad you are here" type of comments invites me to feel defensive because it feels like commentary about my mother (as in she wouldn't want us to be there). but since, i now realize that people say things like "i am glad you are here" at funerals because the more people there, the more they can feel the love for themselves and the person who has died, which helps them just get through the next moment. (sorry to write this long thought in a comment...i'll explain via phone better.)

you are amazing my friend. amazing to write all this out and share...i am so glad you are here in this space again.

much love,
me

[bella]

Hey girlie ~ I'm so sorry for your loss. I share a lot of the feelings you speak of here, being the child of divorced parents. It is weird and uncomfortable when we all have to be together ~ like at an event for the grandchildren (my & my sister's kids). It also brings up the "i wish they stayed together" feelings.
But, for your situation, I'm glad you're accepting that you do own the right to mourn and grieve for your aunt. No matter the state of your family relationships.. you're still family. You shared memories with her and you loved her ~ that counts.
It's so intricate and complicated, this mess that divorce tangles up for us.. I wish you peace as you work through it. Lord knows I have a ton of my own to work through. xo

[Tamsie]

A powerful post. As a second wife to a gentleman who had grown children, I hear what you're saying. I can tell that these adult children, on some level, will always have a spot in their heart where "mom and dad" reside, intact. Your thoughts had stirred up many of my own. Thank you for sharing.

[kim]

I am sorry for your loss, but happy that you had your aunt in your life to bridge the gap of shitty divorces. Also, I am sure your mom had a right to be there not only for you and your siblings but for herself. As you said, they were friends too. Get some quiet time and rest. Hugs to B and T
K