Return of the Long Lost Blogger

I'm sitting on the couch half-heartedly watching Ugly Betty.  The tv is really only on because I like the noise, the distraction.  I need something semi-supportive while I try to re-enter the blog world.  And who better than America Ferrera.  To be quite honest I wasn't even certain I would remember how to blog.  I wasn't certain I'd remember how to log into my account and I wasn't certain I'd remember how to begin a post. 

There have been so many moments I've wanted to come back, but I just didn't know how.  At first I wasn't writing because I didn't have the time.  My life was changing and I could barely breathe, much less blog.  I started a new job, then I started another new job, and then T and I became first time home owners.  A lot of changes and all of them occuring at once.  But when things began to slow down and my life settled back into place, a new place, the reasons for not blogging were different.  Not only were the reasons no longer the same but on any given day those reasons would change.

In no particular order, the reasons I couldn't blog are as follows (and please remember that the importance and significance of these reasons vary from moment to moment):

• As evidence shows in my last few posts my 35th birthday was a whammer.  It hit me harder than I ever expected and my feelings about myself, my body, and my life became truly overwhelming.  I'm still stumbling around my 35th year not certain I'm ready to really look at the reasons this has been so difficult for me.  I never could have anticipated what turning 35 would mean to me and  I certainly never dreamed how deeply it would impact me.  One of the hardest parts of it is not wanting to admit that I'm that person, that person that isn't really certain they like themself or their life and especially not their body.  That's never the person I wanted to be.  I've always wanted to be the person that appreciated herself and loved her life (even though its not perfect and has its moments of regret).  I always wanted to be the kind of person that loved and accepted her body.  So I don't like that I have been struggling.  I don't want to admit I've been struggling.  And I'm also the kind of person that can't write without being honest about where I really am.  So I haven't been writing.  Not here.  Not in a journal.  Not even on a napkin or a scrap piece of paper. 
• There were things I wanted to write about (some of them mentioned above) but I stopped feeling like I could post them on my blog, mainly because I was afraid of who might be reading.  I've wanted to write about my struggle with myself and my body.  But I didn't want to sound sad and pathetic and I didn't want anyone to take it the wrong way.  I also didn't want people who took it the right way to hold it against me or take my feelings and my experiences personally.  My recent feelings about myself, my life and my body have touched other areas of my life--like my sex life.  I've wanted to write about that.  I don't mind sharing something so personal because I know it's real.  But I also wanted to be able to control whose eyes read something so personal.
• I didn't even know if anyone was even reading my blog anymore and although comments aren't the most important thing about blogging they are nice and one can't help but feel validated by them.  When I share something deeply personal it's nice to know someone is reading the words I put so much heart into.  The longer I stayed away the harder it got to come back because I was convinced those who had been reading had given up on me and moved on.  And maybe they have.  That's something I'll have to deal with.   
• The blog world was begining to feel a little too much like a really bad day in high school.  You know, one of those days when you become acutely aware that in fact you aren't a part of the "cool crowd", that instead you are the girl sitting at a table during lunch all alone, pretending not to care that you're sitting all alone.  There are these really terrific people in blogland and they're doing really amazing things.  They are living their dreams and forming bonds with other beautiful souls.  Groups/tribes begin to form and when you're not a direct part of it, when you're standing on the outside watching it happen, reading all the details, feeling so close to it all, yet really being a million miles away, it really sucks.  And it's easy to start to feel bad about yourself.  I fell victim to it.  I wanted to be a part of the "cool crowd" because the cool crowd, from the outside, looks like the most amazing thing to belong too.  But I quickly learned that a few e-mail exchanges and some comments here and there don't make a friendship.  They may make you an acquantance but not really a friend.  Yet what's even harder than not belonging is wishing you didn't care so damn much and feeling petty, insecure, and jealous.  Again, not the person I ever wanted to be.  So the easiest way to deal with it was by not dealing with it.  In other words pulling away from blogging so I didn't have to read about the retreat I wasn't a part of or the group I don't get to hang out with or the list I didn't make or the tag I didn't get.  It just all got a little too, well, painful.  And like I said the most painful part was not the not belonging but that I couldn't stop letting it get to me and I couldn't make myself stop wanting that dream, that dream of a tight band of women who stick together through thick and thin. 

So what made me finally turn on the computer and begin my first post in almost 5 months?  Several things.  One, I finally ran out of excuses.  I made a long list of all the reasons I wasn't writing and they weren't good enough reasons to stop.  Two, curiosity finally got the best of me and I wanted to find out who, if anyone, was still out there.  Three, after several years of blogging I discovered that just keeping a journal doesn't do it for me anymore.  I got used to having feedback on my thoughts, support for my feelings, and encouragement for my writing.  And finally, I had a couple of really good phone conversations tonight (both with fellow bloggers) that reminded me of some really important things.  The first conversation reminded me that when all this stuff surfaces, the negative feelings about one's body, the jealousy over what other people are accomplishing, the pain of feeling on the outside looking in, it's not a negative thing.  It's an invitation, an invitation to come out of the darkness and into the light.  The second conversation reminded me of all the relationships that are still out there to be built.  I may not be a part of the "cool crowd" and I may never have that group of women that are with me until the end.  But I do have some great women in my life.  I have a fabulous friend that I talk to just about every day.  We have lunch every other week or so and I get the honor of being a part of her story.  We get to share our deepest most painful shit with each other and the fact that someone out there will trust someone else with that is pretty amazing.  I have another dear friend that I've watched the Oscar's with for almost 15 years.  She was the first person I called the morning I found out Paul Newman had died.  We don't share much of our deep shit with each other but we do share our love of movies...and our love of Paul Newman.  I have two friends in Seattle that I don't get to see very often so I'm not able to hang out with them as often as I'd like but I'm grateful for the chances I do have.  I have that unexpected friend who tracked me down at work just to check on me because I hadn't posted on my blog in months.  I have all these people that I sometimes overlook because I want friendships, tribes, that look a certain way.

I do think I ache for something more, for connection, communion, a place to belong, for the deep, meaninful things of life.  I ache for community and opportunities to pull back the masks and show people parts of myself that go well below the surface.  And that ultimately is the reason I turned on the computer tonight.   

Comments

[leah]

i can relate to a lot of what you share here.

welcome back to blogging!

[Lori]

I was thrilled to check your blog and find you are back...I love the way you express yourself...you put my emotions into words. Something I sometimes have a very hard time doing. Take care

[tami]

I've checked on your blog so often the last few months. I'm so glad you are back!
Your words often speak to that part of me that I don't share with others. Sometimes your truths would almost hurt - but they are very apt and need to be voiced. You've made me think. Thank you.

I too would like to find a community - It is difficult to open up and share. You do that so well.

WELCOME BACK!

[wendy]

Hello again.

Glad to see you.

[Fiona]

Thanks for that post. It was good to read an honest post like that and I share some of those feeling too. Just wanted to let you know that I read it.
Fiona

[michele]

yey! you are back.
so happy all is well with you and you are ok.
congratulations on your new home.

[Elizabeth Harper]

I'm glad you're back, I missed you.

And about this,

" I do think I ache for something more, for connection, communion, a place to belong, for the deep, meaninful things of life. I ache for community and opportunities to pull back the masks and show people parts of myself that go well below the surface."

I've got two words for you.... me too!

[Aundria B.]

I've never been one of the cool kids either... I'm that interesting, slightly pudgy one sitting over there that's wearing 2 different earrings, and who also just scooted over to make space just for you.

I can appreciate your insecurities... I went through that at 30 and again at 40, and what you're going through is so normal, and you're not alone in going through it. I'm glad that you have someone that you can just be "you" with because it's so nice not to always have to explain everything all over again for the 10th time.

Congrats on the new home! Am looking forward to seeing some new photos and reading what you have to say. Thank you for being honest and real, and taking a break when you just needed some space.

[bee]

i am so so so so happy to find you here, sweetie.

xo

[Delia]

Welcome home...
Love,
D.

[Angela]

hello from the other end of the lunch table.
i've missed reading your words. your honesty is refreshing and i always find myself nodding when i come here.
blessings to you and yours in the new home :)

[chocolate covered musings]

welcome back. i missed you.

i was reading what you wrote about not being part of the cool crowd and sometimes i feel like i'm sitting on the outside of something looking in also... wanting to be a part of something i am not.

then, i think about all the friends i have made from blogging and the friends i have in real life. perhaps none of them are part of the cool crowd either. but they are part of my crowd. and i can make that cool.

[hele]

Thank you for blogging again. I have missed you and am very glad you are back.

I have been thinking of you ever since I first read this poem and I wanted to share it with you. The line lenghts are a bit distorted by the comments-editor but the beauty of the words are still there. God bless and welcome back.

song of silence

song that lies within me, your silence fills me with longing
the longing of a blank page for words that will make it a poem
or of a poem for colour that will make it a sky or sea or earth
or for music that will make it live, a song that can lie within me
silently filling my world with beauty and the scent of love

love that lies within me, your beauty fills me with silence
the silence between the notes of music without which there is none
the space between the words in a poem without which there is no poem
the nothingness that makes everything possible, gives everything life
makes me you, you me, and makes all things that live and love, free

http://www.veilsoflight.com/new_work_bookofsongs.htm#silence

[Mandi]

Let me be one of many to say how glad I am that you are back and how much I look forward to reading your thoughts.

Best,
Mandi

[Tricia]

I am not part of the cool blog community but I came across your blog a while ago and your words resonated with me as if I had written them myself. I wish I could express myself so well. If only I knew how to do that I could put myself out there too and we could form our own tribe. I think we all strive to find that connection and I, like you, hope to find it someday. I will keep you in my favorites and hope you are back to blogging regularly.
Tale care.

[shona]

Yeah! You made me smile big just now. So glad you are back, your absence is forgiven :) :) I want to give you a big hug :) Now don't you feel better with 36 odd comments to your come back post? It looks like a bunch of us kept your blog in our 'favorites' all hoping you would be back!
Beautiful photo.

[Jeris]

I've been checking in sporadically and I must say it makes my night to see that you're back.

[Jeris]

I've been checking in sporadically and I must say it makes my night to see that you're back.

[Debbie W]

This is my very first time reading your blog and I was very touched by your words and insecurities. I, for one, hope that you will stay for a while. Maybe it's time to forge some new "friendships" with new blogging friends, while still keeping the ones who stuck by you over the past several months. Your voice is just as important as anyone else's. Don't ever let anyone make you feel "less than" just because they receive more attention, or seem to have more followers. Stick with the people who make you feel good about yourself and your soul will blossom and thrive.

I will be back to read more. I hope that you will still be here!

Hugs,
Debbie

[Sam]

I'm infinitely happy you have resurfaced, my friend! I do try to remember that our blog friends have lives of their own and things to attend to, but you are too precious to disappear. I think that you have such a unique voice and point of view, and I gain so much wisdom from reading about your journey and the comments, too - it brings us all together. This can be a community, and for me, it IS - but often I wish it had 'skin on' - just sending you so much LOVE, and you know I mean that.

[Meg Hatton]

So glad you're back. I checked almost everyday. Congratulations on your new home, I can't wait to hear about the "new place" in your life!

[shelly]

Welcome back. missed you blogging.

[Debbi Baker]

I haven't commented before but I am so glad you are back - your words and feelings are so real and they are important and powerful to read. Have faith is us quiet ones - we maybe don't realize we're needed! You probably don't won't to know this yet but looking back 35 will seem as if it was a watershed and you will absorb that we are who we are and we need to live it through and through! Big hugs,

[megg]

I've been trying to find you for months - I had even written to Liz to see if you were still alive! So imagine my surprise when you came up in Bloglines - good to see you are writing again - in whatever form you need!

[Wendee]

I've been reading via RSS feed and had to link on over to see where you'd been, before. I've been away from my blog for 5 months, too. People have wondered if I was on a slump, or maybe pondering my life, or if something horrific was happening in my life. Nope, none of the above. I just didn't feel like talking, for the whole summer.

Don't feel bad about taking whatever time you need, but know that there are plenty of people who read that send caring thoughts. The sense of community and support is priceless. Reach out and touch those that you can. Take care!

http://thefridgedoor.blogspot.com/2008/10/i-would-share-my-biscotti.html