Return of the Long Lost Blogger

I'm sitting on the couch half-heartedly watching Ugly Betty.  The tv is really only on because I like the noise, the distraction.  I need something semi-supportive while I try to re-enter the blog world.  And who better than America Ferrera.  To be quite honest I wasn't even certain I would remember how to blog.  I wasn't certain I'd remember how to log into my account and I wasn't certain I'd remember how to begin a post. 

There have been so many moments I've wanted to come back, but I just didn't know how.  At first I wasn't writing because I didn't have the time.  My life was changing and I could barely breathe, much less blog.  I started a new job, then I started another new job, and then T and I became first time home owners.  A lot of changes and all of them occuring at once.  But when things began to slow down and my life settled back into place, a new place, the reasons for not blogging were different.  Not only were the reasons no longer the same but on any given day those reasons would change.

In no particular order, the reasons I couldn't blog are as follows (and please remember that the importance and significance of these reasons vary from moment to moment):

• As evidence shows in my last few posts my 35th birthday was a whammer.  It hit me harder than I ever expected and my feelings about myself, my body, and my life became truly overwhelming.  I'm still stumbling around my 35th year not certain I'm ready to really look at the reasons this has been so difficult for me.  I never could have anticipated what turning 35 would mean to me and  I certainly never dreamed how deeply it would impact me.  One of the hardest parts of it is not wanting to admit that I'm that person, that person that isn't really certain they like themself or their life and especially not their body.  That's never the person I wanted to be.  I've always wanted to be the person that appreciated herself and loved her life (even though its not perfect and has its moments of regret).  I always wanted to be the kind of person that loved and accepted her body.  So I don't like that I have been struggling.  I don't want to admit I've been struggling.  And I'm also the kind of person that can't write without being honest about where I really am.  So I haven't been writing.  Not here.  Not in a journal.  Not even on a napkin or a scrap piece of paper. 
• There were things I wanted to write about (some of them mentioned above) but I stopped feeling like I could post them on my blog, mainly because I was afraid of who might be reading.  I've wanted to write about my struggle with myself and my body.  But I didn't want to sound sad and pathetic and I didn't want anyone to take it the wrong way.  I also didn't want people who took it the right way to hold it against me or take my feelings and my experiences personally.  My recent feelings about myself, my life and my body have touched other areas of my life--like my sex life.  I've wanted to write about that.  I don't mind sharing something so personal because I know it's real.  But I also wanted to be able to control whose eyes read something so personal.
• I didn't even know if anyone was even reading my blog anymore and although comments aren't the most important thing about blogging they are nice and one can't help but feel validated by them.  When I share something deeply personal it's nice to know someone is reading the words I put so much heart into.  The longer I stayed away the harder it got to come back because I was convinced those who had been reading had given up on me and moved on.  And maybe they have.  That's something I'll have to deal with.   
• The blog world was begining to feel a little too much like a really bad day in high school.  You know, one of those days when you become acutely aware that in fact you aren't a part of the "cool crowd", that instead you are the girl sitting at a table during lunch all alone, pretending not to care that you're sitting all alone.  There are these really terrific people in blogland and they're doing really amazing things.  They are living their dreams and forming bonds with other beautiful souls.  Groups/tribes begin to form and when you're not a direct part of it, when you're standing on the outside watching it happen, reading all the details, feeling so close to it all, yet really being a million miles away, it really sucks.  And it's easy to start to feel bad about yourself.  I fell victim to it.  I wanted to be a part of the "cool crowd" because the cool crowd, from the outside, looks like the most amazing thing to belong too.  But I quickly learned that a few e-mail exchanges and some comments here and there don't make a friendship.  They may make you an acquantance but not really a friend.  Yet what's even harder than not belonging is wishing you didn't care so damn much and feeling petty, insecure, and jealous.  Again, not the person I ever wanted to be.  So the easiest way to deal with it was by not dealing with it.  In other words pulling away from blogging so I didn't have to read about the retreat I wasn't a part of or the group I don't get to hang out with or the list I didn't make or the tag I didn't get.  It just all got a little too, well, painful.  And like I said the most painful part was not the not belonging but that I couldn't stop letting it get to me and I couldn't make myself stop wanting that dream, that dream of a tight band of women who stick together through thick and thin. 

So what made me finally turn on the computer and begin my first post in almost 5 months?  Several things.  One, I finally ran out of excuses.  I made a long list of all the reasons I wasn't writing and they weren't good enough reasons to stop.  Two, curiosity finally got the best of me and I wanted to find out who, if anyone, was still out there.  Three, after several years of blogging I discovered that just keeping a journal doesn't do it for me anymore.  I got used to having feedback on my thoughts, support for my feelings, and encouragement for my writing.  And finally, I had a couple of really good phone conversations tonight (both with fellow bloggers) that reminded me of some really important things.  The first conversation reminded me that when all this stuff surfaces, the negative feelings about one's body, the jealousy over what other people are accomplishing, the pain of feeling on the outside looking in, it's not a negative thing.  It's an invitation, an invitation to come out of the darkness and into the light.  The second conversation reminded me of all the relationships that are still out there to be built.  I may not be a part of the "cool crowd" and I may never have that group of women that are with me until the end.  But I do have some great women in my life.  I have a fabulous friend that I talk to just about every day.  We have lunch every other week or so and I get the honor of being a part of her story.  We get to share our deepest most painful shit with each other and the fact that someone out there will trust someone else with that is pretty amazing.  I have another dear friend that I've watched the Oscar's with for almost 15 years.  She was the first person I called the morning I found out Paul Newman had died.  We don't share much of our deep shit with each other but we do share our love of movies...and our love of Paul Newman.  I have two friends in Seattle that I don't get to see very often so I'm not able to hang out with them as often as I'd like but I'm grateful for the chances I do have.  I have that unexpected friend who tracked me down at work just to check on me because I hadn't posted on my blog in months.  I have all these people that I sometimes overlook because I want friendships, tribes, that look a certain way.

I do think I ache for something more, for connection, communion, a place to belong, for the deep, meaninful things of life.  I ache for community and opportunities to pull back the masks and show people parts of myself that go well below the surface.  And that ultimately is the reason I turned on the computer tonight.   

Comments

[Gypsy Alex]

I'm so late on catching up on your return... But, girl, Am I happy? You are a gorgeous writer and a gorgeous "human bean". Doing cartwheels over here. Welcome back, dearest Michelle! xo

[Gypsy Alex]

I'm so late on catching up on your return... But, girl, Am I happy? You are a gorgeous writer and a gorgeous "human bean". Doing cartwheels over here. Welcome back, dearest Michelle! xo

[Goddess Leonie - Creative Goddess]

p.s. this is a standing invitation for you to come to any retreat i run, ever.
:)

[Goddess Leonie - Creative Goddess]

hola beautiful michelle ~
i always so deeply appreciate & honour your honesty about your soul, fears, instincts & choices...
and i so understand about taking time out ~ i did just the same thing at the end of last year.
i have learned that the only thing i can do is love myself the best, and be the best leonie i can be. don't try & be like anyone else ~ that's their job... and mine is mine :)

you are such a heart blessing,
love,
Leonie

[Marilyn]

I'd say 72 comments should let you know that you were missed. ;) I've been SO out of the blogging loop that I've just now caught up on several of Sam's posts where I saw that you're back! I think of you so often, Michelle...I'm so happy you're back. I've missed you...I've missed my connection with you...I've missed your poetry...I've missed being so damn inspired by your poetry and photography that it kicks my own damn *ss. I'm looking forward to this election being over...it's really sucked up so much energy from me...for caring so damn much about the outcome...wanting so desperately to feel some hope that our country might be a safer and better place for my loved ones. So happy to see you here...excited to read about the changes in your life. much love...xoxo

[LaSaundra]

I'm so glad that you're back, Michelle!

I have been reading your blog for a while and I was surprised when I saw that you hadn't updated in a while. Thanks {as always} for sharing your reasons why. It's amazing - so much of what you've written I can completely relate to - especially about struggling with body image and about not feeling a part of the "cool crowd". Not feeling a part of that crowd is one of the reasons why I erased my blog - so I applaud you for coming back. My frustration got the best of me and I didn't.

Again, I'm glad you're back - know that you were missed.

[jilliene]

I really appreciated your words and honesty. I too have many of the same feelings and I am envious at the amount of support you have received. The most comments I've ever accumulated from a post is 6 so you are famous as far as I'm concerned. A tribe is everything - a posse is imperative. The problem is that I didn't learn all of the stuff they taught in kindergarten so I don't always know how to play in the sandbox. But I recently learned that just saying "I don't know how to do relationships super well so I am just going to say out loud that my feelings are hurt. I'm not sure if its my deal or if you played a part in it but I wanted to say it out loud so this uncomfortableness will go away" I didn't get the answer I wanted but I did feel better. Anyway - enough rambling. I'm super glad to have discovered you and will be back!

[amy]

i so appreciate your honesty and can TOTALLY relate. you are not alone in all those thoughts.

[Jennifer Compton]

you rock. thank you for putting words to the thoughts and feelings in my head. i've only picture blogged for the past year. i used to write every day until i realized i had readers and then that they weren't commenting. and then some guy at church said, "oh, i read your blog and you are so random." i was thinking YOU READ MY BLOG?? seriously? and then i just shut down. it then became a chore b/c i had to edit everything i was writing and that became too difficult.

but you've given me a fresh outlook. i'll be 38 in a month and although i've always said age doesn't matter... i am feeling the pressure of 40 and it's freaking me out! am i who i want to be at 40? what have i accomplished? what happened to me???

thank you so much! i hope to have a similar post on my blog soon.

[NTE]

Welcome back: I'm missed you, as well.

This post - like so many of yours - ? I could have written it, if I could get my thoughts and words together. I really, really empathize. I'm not one of the cool kids, I'm not sure who's reading me anymore, and the longer I stay away the harder it is to go back. (And the harder it is to stay away...) It's confusing, how much blogging has come to mean to me.

I just want you to know that I'm still reading, and that I'm glad you're back.

[Donna]

=)

I think you will find there are many people out there who feel exactly as you do! I've always just been on the edge of the "popular crowds" - never a real part of it. Your words are brave and true and judging by the other commenters, shared. =)

[linni]

Welcome back Brave Soul!
You are gorgeous and beautiful and honest and so loved! Yes, you are loved by people you don't even know!
Missed you xx

[jennlui]

wow what a beautiful post! i'm so very happy to have found you today (i followed your link from swirly's blog). i also started blogging to feel connected with other creative souls and thought that having a blog would make me part of the great groups that i saw forming online. but i also learnt quickly that a few emails or comments didn't make a friendship. how was i so naive??? i felt on the outside looking in, wanting to be part of a glorious group of women, but feeling so very far away. that and not really receiving any comments i felt even more alone. i was almost going to cancel my blog subscription, but then decided instead to re-evaluate my reasons for blogging. i thought to myself, if i don't blog simply for myself, i would never really be happy with it. that if i had expectations from blogging, i would be setting myself up for disappointment. so i shifted my reasons, and now i blog to simply (hopefully) inspire others... like i have been inspired by so many (many) other blogs. i realize now that my initial urge to fit in were actually making me unhappier! my blog is still very new, and perhaps with time i might make friendships like the ones i dream about, but i no longer hold any attachment to this. i feel much lighter these days with my new perspective. and even receive some encouraging comments! i am happy to hear that yo have returned to blogging, as now i can read your beautiful words! thank you so much for sharing this! it's very refreshing to read someone's honest and truthful experience. i know i am not alone.

[jennlui]

wow what a beautiful post! i'm so very happy to have found you today (i followed your link from swirly's blog). i also started blogging to feel connected with other creative souls and thought that having a blog would make me part of the great groups that i saw forming online. but i also learnt quickly that a few emails or comments didn't make a friendship. how was i so naive??? i felt on the outside looking in, wanting to be part of a glorious group of women, but feeling so very far away. that and not really receiving any comments i felt even more alone. i was almost going to cancel my blog subscription, but then decided instead to re-evaluate my reasons for blogging. i thought to myself, if i don't blog simply for myself, i would never really be happy with it. that if i had expectations from blogging, i would be setting myself up for disappointment. so i shifted my reasons, and now i blog to simply (hopefully) inspire others... like i have been inspired by so many (many) other blogs. i realize now that my initial urge to fit in were actually making me unhappier! my blog is still very new, and perhaps with time i might make friendships like the ones i dream about, but i no longer hold any attachment to this. i feel much lighter these days with my new perspective. and even receive some encouraging comments! i am happy to hear that yo have returned to blogging, as now i can read your beautiful words! thank you so much for sharing this! it's very refreshing to read someone's honest and truthful experience. i know i am not alone.

[Serenade For Solitude]

Thanks for sharing all that is bare and real. I don't blog-hop much, but I found you today, and I am glad that I did. You SHOULD keep blogging and never stop writing. Sounds like we're alike in the fact that without writing, all that would be unsettled would continue to linger deep in the backdrop. I've found myself feeling compassion for you and feel sad that you've had such a negative experience blogging. I haven't exactly made my blog public, nor did I ever realize all that the blogging world entails. It obviously can be pretty ruthless. I did have a similar experience growing up--being bullied during junior high, anyway, and it has carried over into my adulthood. I know that one day, I, too, will write about it in it's entirety. I am not going to lie when I say that I feel like keeping my blog private now, because I know how damaging an experience like this can be. However, what I do think I know about writing, is that the the real experience as a writer involves others, and there is absolutely much to be learned in the process. So, once again, I'd say keep on writing, keep on discovering, and keep on in your personal process. There is much to be learned and much to be gained by others from your beautiful gift.

[bonnierose]

I just found your blog for the first time today, man am I behind the times.. LOL or am I? Loved your post today.. so insightful.. I'm an amateur photographer like you, and moreso, my first passion is writing.. I just selfpublished my first Photo Book on blurb here, let me know what u think, I'd love ur feedback, see here, http://www.blurb.com/bookstore/detail/390300 hugs, and thks for sharing all u have.. makes one think... really think!

[stef]

first off, welcome back, you were missed. secondly, i soooo hear what you're saying and where you're coming from. the line you wrote about "I have all these people that I sometimes overlook because I want friendships, tribes, that look a certain way" - that hit me over the head...it's exactly what i've been doing and didn't really realize. wow. i have a lot to think about..thank you for this xoxo

[an eager soul]

I am so glad you wrote this post.
I hear you.
this especially~
"the most painful part was not the not belonging but that I couldn't stop letting it get to me and I couldn't make myself stop wanting that dream, that dream of a tight band of women who stick together through thick and thin."
I hear you.
XO,
melba

[yolanda]

I am so very glad your back. I always felt a kinship with your journey. I am sort of an oddball too.

[amanda]

yours is one i read and never comment. it's like you said sometimes you feel like you are the odd one out.
but i'm happy to see something here and i'm happy you are back.
yay.
you.

[pen*]

it's so good to read your words again and, as always, they resonate so loudly with much of what i feel. you truly are a gifted and sensitive writer.

your wise friend was right, and i am so glad you accepted the "invitation to come out of the darkness and into the light."

it is true, the odd comment, the odd email doesn't necessarily create friendship in the traditional sense, but it does manifest something... something special. although i too skirt around the periphery of the "cool crowd" looking in longingly every so often, i am beginning to find my own place... it's taking a little time, but i guess that's part of the journey too. and i just thank you for writing again, because it makes me realise i am not alone (even though you are infinitely cooler than me!) xxx

[gkgirl]

:0)

hi there!
it's good to see you.
{here is where i would insert
a warm hug, if i could only reach}

you have been missed,
but you haven't been forgotten about
by any means.

and there were things that you
said in this post
that i totally relate to...
especially the
"cool-kid-crowd"
and the comments
{as much as i say that i don't care}

i wanted you to know
that i missed your words...
your photos...
your stories...
your insight.

xo

[gkgirl]

:0)

hi there!
it's good to see you.
{here is where i would insert
a warm hug, if i could only reach}

you have been missed,
but you haven't been forgotten about
by any means.

and there were things that you
said in this post
that i totally relate to...
especially the
"cool-kid-crowd"
and the comments
{as much as i say that i don't care}

i wanted you to know
that i missed your words...
your photos...
your stories...
your insight.

xo

[christina]

Ohh Michelle, I missed your posts! I'm so glad your back. (Congrats on becoming a homeowner btw. YAY!) SO so happy to read more of your words and see more of your gorgeous pictures!

[Swirly]

I hear you on so many levels, and I think much of what you discuss here is being examined by more people, which I think is a good thing. I am glad you are shining a light on some of the less pleasant sides of blogging - not to be negative, but to focus on what is real and what is true, to find what's really authentic in this community. It is sometimes a murky road.