Parenting 101

Tonight I went to a "Child Guidance Class" (a.k.a parenting class) because I'm always open to being a better parent and because sometimes I feel like a complete failure who needs all the help she can get.

The class really didn't have a lot to offer me.  Most of what was covered I'm already doing.  There wasn't really any new iinformation.  And other parts were all over the place.  More than once I thought "What the hell is she talking about?"  It was organized and yet not necessarily "fleshed out."  I left feeling really disappointed and frustrated.  It just wasn't what I was looking for.  And believe me a lot of the time I am looking for something.

But the class did give me something positive.  It forced me to try and figure out what it is I was looking for from the class--what did I want it to give me. 

I know how to be a parent.  I was a Family Studies major in college.  I've read plenty of books.  I may not always practice what I know or remember some of the tips and techniques but I have a pretty good foundation.  So I'm not really looking for your typical parenting class.  In fact if anything, tonight showed me that T and I are doing a pretty good job and we're definitely heading in the right direction.  But there is also something I'm struggling with that I was hoping to find in tonight's class and that is how to parent more effectively in light of who I am, in light of my personality.

Parenting has been really, really tough on me.  I love the B-Dog more than life itself.  I always wanted to be a mother, and not just a mother but the best mother possible.  I knew parenting would be hard and although I don't for a minute regret becoming a parent I have to admit that there are moments when it's harder than I ever imagined.  I think one of the reasons it's been so tough on me is because it totally clashes with my personality. 

I'm an introvert and a loner.  I require large amounts of alone time.  I don't like crowds or loud places because they use up my energy.  I could probably very easily be a hermit and I've had plenty of weekends when I've been just that.  Sometimes I don't answer my door and most of the time I don't answer my phone.  I love people.  I value people.  I'm kind, caring, and compassionate.  I'm a people person and yet I'm not a people person.  In other words people are important to me but I don't really like being around people.  If it's a lot of people it's just too much because of the busyness, the noise, and the energy.  If it's just one-on-one or a small group it's too much because I put too much pressure on myself to perform.

This ties into parenting because, well, when you're a parent being an introvert and a loner doesn't really work.  Hell, most of the time I can't even pee by myself.  And I feel guilty for needing such large amounts of time by myself.  I often feel like I'm on the outside looking in.  T and the B-Dog have a very close relationship (which I am very grateful for) and I'm on the outside looking in.  But I have created that.  It's a catch 22.  I feel left out and yet I pass up the opportunities to be more involved in order to have time alone.  I turn down going to the park in order to write or create or read or watch a movie by myself.

The most obvious solution is to learn to balance the two, to balance time alone with family time.  That's easier said than done.  It's fairly easy to sit down and map out a plan or to logically look at the situation to decide what is called for in the moment-time alone or family time.  But I can tell you right now that following the plan and doing what's logical usually don't win out because my need for solitude and isolation often feels and appears overwhelmingly urgent, important, and essential.

So I think what I was really looking for was help in figuring out how to parent in light of my introversion.  I need a "Parenting for Loners" course.  And I need help dealing with and/or accepting the feelings that come with parenting as a loner--the guilt I often feel for not being as involved as I'd like, the frustration I feel when I don't get the a lone time I need, the anxiety I feel when I can't withdraw and escape from the person who needs me the most, the panic that sometimes sets in when I start feeling like I could honestly run away and never come back, the way I can beat up on myself when I feel "selfish" for wanting to be by myself, and the sense of neglect I often carry around when I feel like an absentee mother.

That's what I was looking for tonight...and that's not what I got.

hmmm...not sure why I can't get a pic to load tonight...i'm giving up and going to bed...

Comments

[Sara Moriarty]

You are very courageous. Mothers can feel shunned when they express their own needs. Atleast I know I do. Please continue to post your feelings and insights during your exploration. It is so very reassuring to know that others are in the same place as I and to have the opportunity to learn from/with you would be sacred. Thank you. ~Sara

[Shelly Haggerty]

What’s everyone doing for safety precautions for Halloween? My husband came across an article (http://i-newswire.com/pr220892.html) with some info about background checking neighbors. I thought that may be a little overboard but it had some other good suggestions for some precautions I haven’t thought about. Last year my youngest son came down with a massive fever after Halloween. I almost thought about just taking the kids to our church’s fall festival this year instead of door-to-door to prevent that from happening again. I don’t know yet. What’s your advice? Am I over-reacted or just being a concerned mom?

[Carol]

Thank you for your deep honesty here. Although I love my son with all of my heart, like you, I crave solitude and quiet a lot of the time and I've sometimes felt that this has conflicted with my role as a Mother. Which has then caused me a great deal of guilt and a feeling that I am failing as a parent. Although I am now striking a better balance between the two, your post is a cause for celebration because it's very difficult for us to speak out about our needs.

[Andi]

I'm glad you're back! And I'm surprised no one else has mentioned the book Highly Sensitive Person by Elaine Aron... that book changed how I feel about myself.

Us HSPs love to hear about other HSPs. It feels very lonely sometimes to be the only person who has to leave a party after 20 minutes because of over-stimulation!

I hope you see your sensitive trait as a gift you can give to your son, instead of something you have to overcome.

[jennifer Compton]

"I'm an introvert and a loner. I require large amounts of alone time. I don't like crowds or loud places because they use up my energy. I could probably very easily be a hermit and I've had plenty of weekends when I've been just that. Sometimes I don't answer my door and most of the time I don't answer my phone. I love people. I value people. I'm kind, caring, and compassionate. I'm a people person and yet I'm not a people person. In other words people are important to me but I don't really like being around people. If it's a lot of people it's just too much because of the busyness, the noise, and the energy. If it's just one-on-one or a small group it's too much because I put too much pressure on myself to perform."

seriously, you must be in my head. thank you (again) for putting words to my feelings/thoughts. you rock.

[Beth]

can I just say how happy I am that you are back....writing and sharing with all of us again....you were missed !!!

[a Cagey Bee]

Thank you so much for posting this! I'm a classic introvert too - I work from home, hate talking on the phone, would rather sit in my studio & paint than go to a party.

I feel so guilty sometimes when I catch myself wishing I could be alone. The kid noise in our house is the normal stuff like TV & video games. I know I should be grateful, should savor the time we have together before teenagehood sets in. It's simply exhausting.

My hubby, on the other hand, is the complete opposite. He actually starts his mornings by picking up the phone (while still in bed usually) & phoning his friends. It's insane!

Thanks again for posting this & for letting the rest of us feel like we're not alone. :)

Kris

[vivienne]

as a fellow loner, i hear you!

and it sounds to me like taking time for yourself is something very important. i think its self-care. i think it is something important to teach your children as well. to be a superwoman and sacrifice all of your needs for all of theirs isn't healthy. i think that taking that time for your self is just that....healthy....and you are listening to your needs!

[leaca]

I am new to your blog, Geek Inc. had a link and I followed.

This post spoke to me because we are a lot alike in the parenting/introvert sense. I had the hardest time when the kids were little getting time alone bu the worse part was all the group functions I had to attend when they were young. Now I am a little conditioned and when I have to attend something it is usually a sporting event and I usually find my own little corner for my husband and I to watch in peace.

I like being around people and love my kids but it drains me to be around too many people all the time. I am new to blogging and I really like it and I think this is why, I can socialize on my terms.

[Andie]

So glad you are back.
:)

[gkgirl]

i can also relate to this
on many levels...
i always have to take
"a breather" in groups,
i have to get away for a few minutes,
i have to regroup...
i have always been like this.

i can tell you it gets easier
as they get older...
mine are 9 and 13
and are pretty absorbed
in their own activities,
to the point that sometimes
it is me
hounding them
for attention and companionship...

like you say,
it is all balance...
and balance is precarious
and tips occasionally
from side to side
but the key
is
awareness.
which you totally have.

xo

[leah]

i appreciate this post as an extremely introverted person who is hoping to become a mom in the near future, but worries about these challenges. it sounds like someone needs to write a book on this topic!!

[Dilasari hidayat]

I think, the two most important things are happiness and love. A mother must always be a happy person in order to provide her child with love. A mother's love will then make the child the happiest person you'll ever see.

Best wishes,
Dila

[bella]

I'm alot like what you describe here ~ I don't do well in crowds or crowded places. My noise tolerance levels are next to nil and I crave solitude and big, long doses of silence.
Throw a kid into the mix? Holy hell, is it hard ~ it's more like the clash of the personalities at my house. My daughter is Miss sing and dance - Miss jump all over the house - Miss "mommy let's play" - Miss "take me to the park". I'm so not like that. Nowhere near that.
The differences can most definitely make you feel selfish and guilty, sure. I feel that all the time. But step away from those feelings for a second - pretend they don't exist. What do you see? My daughter loves me. She thinks I'm the coolest, prettiest, strongest person on the planet. She loves me so intensely that my issues or demeanors or shortcomings don't matter a damn to her. This is all my crap and my feeling bad for not showing up in ways that I don't even know how! I can only be who I am for her and she's ok with that.
I love to see her bond with her dad in those different ways that I can't. It's balancing.
~And every once in a while, I'll tackle her and put the music up high and dance with her ~ very unexpectedly.. and she has a blast.

What am I trying to say?? LOL.. Your kid thinks you're a superwoman even if you're quiet and reserved and need your time. Every parent style is unique to the individual's personality. Don't feel that because you're not as extroverted that he's losing out.. because he's not. To him, you're never absent.. Mama's are always # 1 in their child's heart. Hope this gives you some peace..

[jennlui]

oh thank you so very much for posting this!!! not that i was thinking that i'm a bad mother, but i often feel like maybe i wasn't cut out so much for motherhood... like you, i relished in my alone time, in my studio... reading, painting, discovering new art mediums... meditating, yoga... the solitude. i also find it so draining being on all the time and still giving when there's not much left. it's so very nice to know that i'm not alone. but to what i gather from many artists/mother's out there in blogland is that it's a shared struggle. fffeeeewwwww!!!

i haven't yet been able to find a good balance either... i'm up waaaayyyyy to late at night to get that precious alone time in my studio, neglecting my sleep... i know that it won't always be like this, i try to constantly remind myself that my daughter will grow up and need me less and less and start school... then i'll have that time again all to myself.

thank you for sharing your most honest thoughts on motherhood. it's good to know we aren't alone.

[pink sky]

i can totally relate to this, as my son is plugged into the tv as i sit here and blogsurf. i need my time in the morning to connect with myself first, before i can really tune into being a great parent and i used to feel so guilty about this. so many people tell me though that an essential ingredient to being a good parent is being a happy person...that our happiness is one of the best gifts we can give to the world and ultimately our children. so feeding your soul with what it needs, is not only taking care of you, it is taking care of your family too. i say this though knowing that balance is sometimes hard to come by and that the guilt often tips the scale. i was once told to take my emotional temperature first thing in the morning, and start from there. if i need to put more into myself that day than i do, and it feels more like self care than selfishness. *sigh* parenting has been my hardest life teacher, but ultimately i know it is making me a better person. and like you say, the love is fierce. like no other. there is room in your heart for it all. xo

[Jennifer]

Oh this inspired me to leave what may be my first comment for you after such a long time of lurking. I get it! I get it! That sounds exactly like me. It is so emotionally draining being on all the time when I just want to sit alone in a quiet room with a New Yorker. My need for quiet alone time is just after oxygen and probably above food and it is so hard - it makes my active parenting time more stressful than it would otherwise be and then yes, the guilt when I take so much time alone. Boy if you find that class pass the info along, please!

[jenica]

try out this website: http://www.motherstyles.com/

it's helped me to better understand how i deal with people and especially my kids.

xoxo

[Sam]

I know how you feel. I am very similar in many respects. Solitude is so very important to me- and yet I cannot remember the last time I had a moment to myself. My kids can be very social- and I hope that they stay that way- but there are so many days I wish I could skip taking them to dance, piano, etc. because the small crowd of people drains me. And yet I do-

Glad to know that I am not the only one!
Sam