TangledWings

BOO!

Happy Halloween...

...and may you have all the Twix your heart desires.

Trying

It's been so long since I've written anything other than a blog post or a grocery  list.  When I do sit down in front of the page I end up just staring out into space.  But quite honestly, most of the time I never make it to the point of sitting down.  I usually end up doing whatever I have to in order to avoid having to sit down and write.  Lately I just haven't been able to bring myself to pick up a pen, or more accurately, I haven't been able to bring myself to face where I am in life right now.

Like a lot of writers when I hit this point I'm always a little worried that this will be it--this will be the time when I lose it forever and never write again.  This will be the time the words go away for good.  Even though experience has taught me that writing, like all creativity, is a cycle, I still have those moment of fear that I will never write again.  There are times when I'm bursting to get the words out (and can't get them out fast enough) and times when it's more of a struggle.  Not to mention times when the words won't come at all no matter how hard I try to make them.  But I've always found that the words eventually come back.  The writing always cycles back around.

A little bit of priming the pump can help so this morning I stuck Sabrina Ward Harrison's book The True and the Questions in my purse.  I pulled it out during lunch and started working through it.  This book is one of my favorite writing prompts and I like to use it as a way to get back into the habit of writing again.  Her prompts always ask the real questions and encourage me to look deeper for the answers.

If you're looking for some writing prompts or need a good journal Sabrina's book is an excellent choice.  The pages are filled with her beautiful art work as well as her own inspiring and whimsical writing.  And if you've never checked out her website please do.  It's beautiful and inspiring.  I noticed she is planning a workshop in Ireland.  Hmmm...I might need to start saving my pennies.  Wanna join me? 

Looking Down

Yesterday was a whirlwind of a day.  I took an early flight to El Paso, had back to back to back meetings, then flew home late that same evening.  I haven't had a chance to talk much about my new job.  I'll try to let you know more about it at some point.  It deals with international issues--study abroad programs and visiting scholars.  Needless to say it is brand new territory for me and everyday I learn new things.  I love that part of it.  I love the opportunity to expand my knowledge.  I start my morning by checking various Internet news sites to see what is happening around the world.  I pay regular visits to the State Department's website to see what is happening with visas and travel warnings.  I'm learning things I never thought I'd ever have the need to know.  And it's exciting.

I've been to El Paso a handful of times in the past but always for pleasure.  El Paso has always been a city I don't feel comfortable in and it has nothing to do with size, traffic, or the lay out of the city.  It has to do with not knowing what I should and shouldn't do as far as safety is concerned.  You hear a lot about El Paso and often what you hear isn't good.  It's hard to know what is true and what is rumor.  For me I feel like El Paso is one of those places where America gives way to Mexico...or Mexico gives way to America depending on which way you choose to look at it.  I've never been to any other border town so I don't have anything else to compare El Paso too.  But what I can say is that when flying into El Paso yesterday morning I was struck by the fact that you can look out one side of the plane and see American flags then look out the other side of the plane and see a huge Mexican flag fluttering in the wind.  It's almost surreal to see the two different flags flying so close together.  It can can catch your breath.

From the air there is little to tell where one place ends and the other begins.  And I think that is what really grabbed my attention.  When you approach the border by land its very obvious.  There is a distinct division, enforced by armed officers of the law.  But in that moment, looking down from the air, that lack of distinction caused me to remember that we really are all connected and that realization felt both comforting and motivating. 

a little sunday night fun

 

 

 

 

After spending some time this evening trying to build a ttv tube for my duaflex to use with my digital camera...which never happened because I didn't have the proper materials...I finally gave up but then discovered this super fun "fake ttv" tutorial.  Check it out...but be warned...it's highly adictive.

Parenting 101

Tonight I went to a "Child Guidance Class" (a.k.a parenting class) because I'm always open to being a better parent and because sometimes I feel like a complete failure who needs all the help she can get.

The class really didn't have a lot to offer me.  Most of what was covered I'm already doing.  There wasn't really any new iinformation.  And other parts were all over the place.  More than once I thought "What the hell is she talking about?"  It was organized and yet not necessarily "fleshed out."  I left feeling really disappointed and frustrated.  It just wasn't what I was looking for.  And believe me a lot of the time I am looking for something.

But the class did give me something positive.  It forced me to try and figure out what it is I was looking for from the class--what did I want it to give me. 

I know how to be a parent.  I was a Family Studies major in college.  I've read plenty of books.  I may not always practice what I know or remember some of the tips and techniques but I have a pretty good foundation.  So I'm not really looking for your typical parenting class.  In fact if anything, tonight showed me that T and I are doing a pretty good job and we're definitely heading in the right direction.  But there is also something I'm struggling with that I was hoping to find in tonight's class and that is how to parent more effectively in light of who I am, in light of my personality.

Parenting has been really, really tough on me.  I love the B-Dog more than life itself.  I always wanted to be a mother, and not just a mother but the best mother possible.  I knew parenting would be hard and although I don't for a minute regret becoming a parent I have to admit that there are moments when it's harder than I ever imagined.  I think one of the reasons it's been so tough on me is because it totally clashes with my personality. 

I'm an introvert and a loner.  I require large amounts of alone time.  I don't like crowds or loud places because they use up my energy.  I could probably very easily be a hermit and I've had plenty of weekends when I've been just that.  Sometimes I don't answer my door and most of the time I don't answer my phone.  I love people.  I value people.  I'm kind, caring, and compassionate.  I'm a people person and yet I'm not a people person.  In other words people are important to me but I don't really like being around people.  If it's a lot of people it's just too much because of the busyness, the noise, and the energy.  If it's just one-on-one or a small group it's too much because I put too much pressure on myself to perform.

This ties into parenting because, well, when you're a parent being an introvert and a loner doesn't really work.  Hell, most of the time I can't even pee by myself.  And I feel guilty for needing such large amounts of time by myself.  I often feel like I'm on the outside looking in.  T and the B-Dog have a very close relationship (which I am very grateful for) and I'm on the outside looking in.  But I have created that.  It's a catch 22.  I feel left out and yet I pass up the opportunities to be more involved in order to have time alone.  I turn down going to the park in order to write or create or read or watch a movie by myself.

The most obvious solution is to learn to balance the two, to balance time alone with family time.  That's easier said than done.  It's fairly easy to sit down and map out a plan or to logically look at the situation to decide what is called for in the moment-time alone or family time.  But I can tell you right now that following the plan and doing what's logical usually don't win out because my need for solitude and isolation often feels and appears overwhelmingly urgent, important, and essential.

So I think what I was really looking for was help in figuring out how to parent in light of my introversion.  I need a "Parenting for Loners" course.  And I need help dealing with and/or accepting the feelings that come with parenting as a loner--the guilt I often feel for not being as involved as I'd like, the frustration I feel when I don't get the a lone time I need, the anxiety I feel when I can't withdraw and escape from the person who needs me the most, the panic that sometimes sets in when I start feeling like I could honestly run away and never come back, the way I can beat up on myself when I feel "selfish" for wanting to be by myself, and the sense of neglect I often carry around when I feel like an absentee mother.

That's what I was looking for tonight...and that's not what I got.

hmmm...not sure why I can't get a pic to load tonight...i'm giving up and going to bed...

Inspire Me

So here's the question I find myself asking a lot lately--why is it that when we have those times in our lives when we most need to take care of ourselves that we don't?  I find that to be true, for myself at least, a lot.  When I'm down, when I'm struggling, when I'm exhausted, I have a tendency to not do the very things I need to do for myself.  For instance right now.  I've been struggling with myself for the past 6+ months.  I know myself well enough to know how to nurture myself.  I know the things that make me feel most alive.  However, it's during these times I lack motivation and no amount of self talk can convince me to do the very things I need to do--create, write, eat healthy foods, exercise.  I try but my motivation soon dwindles. 

I know writing feeds me like nothing else...and yet my notebook remains empty.  I joined a gym...but I don't go.  I even paid extra to attend the yoga classes...and sill, I don't go.  I know walking fills me with energy...instead I sit on the couch all night.  I know when I'm creative I'm more likely to enjoy being alive...but I haven't created anything, not event a collage, in a very, very long time.  So why is that?

I also know that when I feel inspired, inspired by life, by music, by poetry, by other people I feel more alive.  And when I feel more alive I'm better able to see beauty, color, details, hope, and possibility.  I'm better able to do what I need to do to take care of myself.

So I'm asking for your help to get a little bit of a kick start.  What has inspired you lately?  What blog has really touched you?  What totally cool website have you recently stumbled across?  Is there a book, movie, or cd that's brought you inspiration? 

Help inspire me by sharing what inspires you.

what else i've been up to over the past 5 months

What else have I been up to over the past 5 months besides packing, then unpacking, then decorating, painting, painting, and then painting some more, putting way too many needless holes in the wall,  

• gaining weight--yuck
• trying to figure out how to stop gaining weight--yuck
• getting the B-Dog adjusted to kindergarten
• learning more than I ever thought I'd need to know about visas and study abroad programs
• reading The Diving Bell and the Butterfly
• trying to cut down on the number of Netflix movies I watch because what human being needs to watch that many movies
• listening to Carla Bruni
• creating newsletters and brochures
• discovering all the super cool templates and clip arton Microsoft's website
• fighting allergies
• spending way too much money on the new house
• did I mention gaining weight--yuck
• trying to get caught up on pictures I've taken since May including a wedding, a tea party, 3 birthday parties, and a ggraduation
• helping my sister get her house cleaned out after it flooded
• reading everything I can by Li Young Le
• enjoying cable...a little too much
• feeling blah, blech, and bored out of my mind because I haven't been investing myself in anything worthwhile
• researching volunteer opportunities in my city so that I can feel like I've investing myself in something worthwhile
• watch the Presidential and Vice Presidential debates
• getting oriented to my new area of town including figuring out some enjoyable walking routes
• trying to convince myself to get off the couch and do something productive
• missing my writing dates

So what have you been up to?

How It Feels To Be Back

One blog post after being absent for five months isn't really the equivilant of being back in the blog scene.  One blog post in five months hardly amounts to much at all.  All the same that one blog post did do the very thing I needed it to do, the thing I'd been procrastinating about--it got me started.  I have yet to pay visits to all my favorite blogs.  I have yet to read any comments left on the last few posts.  But after five long months I did at least get that first blog post written and posted.

The major emotion I felt after clicking the publish button was relief.  As I mentioned in the last post there had been many times over the past five months when I wanted to return, many times I missed the art of sharing my life and the community I had found here.  There were many times I ached to be writing again and wondered what was happening in the blog world, what fun groups had been started, what opportunities to grow had been hatched by some brilliant soul, what bits and pieces of inspiration I was missing out on.  I thought about many of you a lot.  And I thought about how much blogging had changed my life and about how much I had grown since becoming a blogger.  But even though those things crossed my mind constantly I still couldn't bring myself to type that first post.  So when I finally did, when that first post was out there in the blogsphere, I felt relieved, relieved to have it behind me, relieved to know that with that under my belt I could go in any direction I wanted. 

For someone who has blogged for several years I had no idea that taking an extended break and then trying to come back would be so hard.  Of course when I decided to take some time away I also had no idea it would be 5 months before I'd blog again.  In some ways it doesn't feel like I've been away that long.  Sitting here, typing these words, it feels like I've never stopped, that I am still the same consistent blogger I was before.  But then when I make myself stop and think about it I realize 5 months is almost half a year, that lives can change in dramtic ways in 5 months.  In five months time countless blogs have started and ended.  And I missed it all with my disappearance.

But here I am, trying to find my way back into the blogging world and asking myself one big question--what direction do I want to go?

Return of the Long Lost Blogger

I'm sitting on the couch half-heartedly watching Ugly Betty.  The tv is really only on because I like the noise, the distraction.  I need something semi-supportive while I try to re-enter the blog world.  And who better than America Ferrera.  To be quite honest I wasn't even certain I would remember how to blog.  I wasn't certain I'd remember how to log into my account and I wasn't certain I'd remember how to begin a post. 

There have been so many moments I've wanted to come back, but I just didn't know how.  At first I wasn't writing because I didn't have the time.  My life was changing and I could barely breathe, much less blog.  I started a new job, then I started another new job, and then T and I became first time home owners.  A lot of changes and all of them occuring at once.  But when things began to slow down and my life settled back into place, a new place, the reasons for not blogging were different.  Not only were the reasons no longer the same but on any given day those reasons would change.

In no particular order, the reasons I couldn't blog are as follows (and please remember that the importance and significance of these reasons vary from moment to moment):

• As evidence shows in my last few posts my 35th birthday was a whammer.  It hit me harder than I ever expected and my feelings about myself, my body, and my life became truly overwhelming.  I'm still stumbling around my 35th year not certain I'm ready to really look at the reasons this has been so difficult for me.  I never could have anticipated what turning 35 would mean to me and  I certainly never dreamed how deeply it would impact me.  One of the hardest parts of it is not wanting to admit that I'm that person, that person that isn't really certain they like themself or their life and especially not their body.  That's never the person I wanted to be.  I've always wanted to be the person that appreciated herself and loved her life (even though its not perfect and has its moments of regret).  I always wanted to be the kind of person that loved and accepted her body.  So I don't like that I have been struggling.  I don't want to admit I've been struggling.  And I'm also the kind of person that can't write without being honest about where I really am.  So I haven't been writing.  Not here.  Not in a journal.  Not even on a napkin or a scrap piece of paper. 
• There were things I wanted to write about (some of them mentioned above) but I stopped feeling like I could post them on my blog, mainly because I was afraid of who might be reading.  I've wanted to write about my struggle with myself and my body.  But I didn't want to sound sad and pathetic and I didn't want anyone to take it the wrong way.  I also didn't want people who took it the right way to hold it against me or take my feelings and my experiences personally.  My recent feelings about myself, my life and my body have touched other areas of my life--like my sex life.  I've wanted to write about that.  I don't mind sharing something so personal because I know it's real.  But I also wanted to be able to control whose eyes read something so personal.
• I didn't even know if anyone was even reading my blog anymore and although comments aren't the most important thing about blogging they are nice and one can't help but feel validated by them.  When I share something deeply personal it's nice to know someone is reading the words I put so much heart into.  The longer I stayed away the harder it got to come back because I was convinced those who had been reading had given up on me and moved on.  And maybe they have.  That's something I'll have to deal with.   
• The blog world was begining to feel a little too much like a really bad day in high school.  You know, one of those days when you become acutely aware that in fact you aren't a part of the "cool crowd", that instead you are the girl sitting at a table during lunch all alone, pretending not to care that you're sitting all alone.  There are these really terrific people in blogland and they're doing really amazing things.  They are living their dreams and forming bonds with other beautiful souls.  Groups/tribes begin to form and when you're not a direct part of it, when you're standing on the outside watching it happen, reading all the details, feeling so close to it all, yet really being a million miles away, it really sucks.  And it's easy to start to feel bad about yourself.  I fell victim to it.  I wanted to be a part of the "cool crowd" because the cool crowd, from the outside, looks like the most amazing thing to belong too.  But I quickly learned that a few e-mail exchanges and some comments here and there don't make a friendship.  They may make you an acquantance but not really a friend.  Yet what's even harder than not belonging is wishing you didn't care so damn much and feeling petty, insecure, and jealous.  Again, not the person I ever wanted to be.  So the easiest way to deal with it was by not dealing with it.  In other words pulling away from blogging so I didn't have to read about the retreat I wasn't a part of or the group I don't get to hang out with or the list I didn't make or the tag I didn't get.  It just all got a little too, well, painful.  And like I said the most painful part was not the not belonging but that I couldn't stop letting it get to me and I couldn't make myself stop wanting that dream, that dream of a tight band of women who stick together through thick and thin. 

So what made me finally turn on the computer and begin my first post in almost 5 months?  Several things.  One, I finally ran out of excuses.  I made a long list of all the reasons I wasn't writing and they weren't good enough reasons to stop.  Two, curiosity finally got the best of me and I wanted to find out who, if anyone, was still out there.  Three, after several years of blogging I discovered that just keeping a journal doesn't do it for me anymore.  I got used to having feedback on my thoughts, support for my feelings, and encouragement for my writing.  And finally, I had a couple of really good phone conversations tonight (both with fellow bloggers) that reminded me of some really important things.  The first conversation reminded me that when all this stuff surfaces, the negative feelings about one's body, the jealousy over what other people are accomplishing, the pain of feeling on the outside looking in, it's not a negative thing.  It's an invitation, an invitation to come out of the darkness and into the light.  The second conversation reminded me of all the relationships that are still out there to be built.  I may not be a part of the "cool crowd" and I may never have that group of women that are with me until the end.  But I do have some great women in my life.  I have a fabulous friend that I talk to just about every day.  We have lunch every other week or so and I get the honor of being a part of her story.  We get to share our deepest most painful shit with each other and the fact that someone out there will trust someone else with that is pretty amazing.  I have another dear friend that I've watched the Oscar's with for almost 15 years.  She was the first person I called the morning I found out Paul Newman had died.  We don't share much of our deep shit with each other but we do share our love of movies...and our love of Paul Newman.  I have two friends in Seattle that I don't get to see very often so I'm not able to hang out with them as often as I'd like but I'm grateful for the chances I do have.  I have that unexpected friend who tracked me down at work just to check on me because I hadn't posted on my blog in months.  I have all these people that I sometimes overlook because I want friendships, tribes, that look a certain way.

I do think I ache for something more, for connection, communion, a place to belong, for the deep, meaninful things of life.  I ache for community and opportunities to pull back the masks and show people parts of myself that go well below the surface.  And that ultimately is the reason I turned on the computer tonight.