To the Point

Three very long posts requiring a lot of time, a lot of thinking, a lot of revising just to say...

I'm scared.  I'm scared of getting old, scared of the unknowns.  I'm scared of not being young and beautiful.  I'm scared about how my body will change, how I will deal with those changes, and how those changes will impact me.  I'm scared of gaining weight and getting wrinkles.  I'm scared of double chins, flabby arms, and sagging breasts.  I'm scared I will never be who I want to be.  I'm scared I've missed out on something and I can't get it back.  I'm scared I'll never live in peace with myself, that I will continue to hold myself back.  I'm scared I won't be pretty enough, that I'll stop being beautiful.  I'm scared to talk about certain things I think and feel because I'm ashamed they're a part of me.  I'm scared to admit certain things about myself because then I will have to acknowledge they're real.

I'm tired.  I'm tired of carrying around all this bullshit.  I'm tired of the negative self talk.  I'm tired of complementing myself then immediately following it up with an insult (why do I do that?).  I'm tired of not feeling pretty enough.  I'm tired of worrying about my weight and what I eat.  I'm tired of looking at my body and not liking what I see.  I'm tired of carrying around my past.  I'm tired of dragging my story around...it's time for a new one.  I'm tired of constantly comparing myself to others just to feel okay about myself.  I'm tired of feeling so limited.  I'm tired of not loving myself, of not seeing how fabulous I truly am.  I'm tired of the bullshit.

I'm ready for a new way of being.  I'm ready to see differently, to think differently, to feel differently.  I'm ready to take care of myself and value myself.  I'm ready to open my heart to myself.  I'm ready to heal.  I'm ready to embrace and accept my body.  I'm ready to look at my belly, my thighs, my arms and feel tenderness, not anger and dislike.  I'm ready for all the new possibilities.  I'm ready to be better than I've ever been.  I'm ready to be as full and real as possible.  I'm ready to look at myself, not just through myself.  I'm ready for something radical.  I'm ready to replace the bullshit with truth.

I'm ready.

Comments

[BRENDA31MAXWELL]

All people deserve good life time and credit loans or just consolidation loan will make it better. Because freedom is grounded on money state.

[jenica]

happy birthday beautiful. i'm sorry that it's so late in coming. but i've held you in my thoughts and my heart these past few weeks, and now i can see why.

(((hugs)))

[Sam]

That's what it's all about. Replacing whatever bullshit we carry around with truth. I really love your honesty with these posts...as always. In the comments I found so much truth and camaraderie. If I start freaking out around 35, at least I'll remember these posts and know I'm not alone!

[wendy]

You know I appreciate this post greatly. I could assure you, as I am ahead of you in years, that every will be just fine. But it wouldn't fix things. Why? Cuz nothings broken. You are just changing. I have the same fear issues over change.

A friend, a buddhist, told me to repeat this.

CHANGE IS CONSTANT. EMBRACE CHANGE.

I try. I think you get points for trying. I fail,too. Then I try again.

Hey a big Happy birthday to you. You will rock..in coming years. I just know it.

[Nikki Russo]

This entry is so very touching, strong, relatable and just plain perfect......

I think it's admirable that you are so in touch with your inner self at this moment that you have awakened to those processes that aren't working for you in this moment and that you are opening up to the beauty of you and are about to turn over a new leaf; one that will bring forgiveness,love, acceptance and joy. Keep smiling and know that what you wrote here, inspired me and just jump started my week on a more clear and positive note full of hope!!!
Much love

[Beth]

I just want to send a big hug out to you sweetie !!!

I'm in my early 40's and everyone told me they'd be great....and I've decided you can make them whatever you want them to be.

So, I think the same is true with any age...don't be afraid of change. Be thrilled that you rolled over this morning and your eyes opened and you were alive !!

warmly, beth
www.moredoors.blogspot.com

[Kerstin]

Every month I receive a German magazine for women over 40 and many of the women featured in it have gray hair, normal bodies and are beautiful because they are real. In Europe we are not quite so age obsessed as you are in America. It is no wonder that you feel the way you do.

Then again, the distorted body image and worry about our looks and shape are a truly universal dilemma. I grew up in Germany and started my first diet in the late 70s at the age of 14. I had a great figure but I weighed more than most of my petite friends because I was taller and bigger boned than them. What followed were three decades of dieting, worrying, feeling inadequate, fat and ugly. And now I am 45 and obese for the first time in my life. I so wish someone had sat me down in my 30s and told me that I was ok exactly THE WAY I WAS. That I could STOP WORRYING. That I could STOP DIETING.

The funny thing is, I no longer feel the pressure. It is gone. Yes, I still hate photos of me and clothes shopping and how most trendy clothes are too small for me, but overall I feel a peace inside with regards to my weight and looks that has eluded me in previous decades. I will need to lose weight for health reasons but if you are at a healthy weight now, then please, stop worrying.

From the photos I have seen of you, and from all that you have written over recent years, I think you are a beautiful person, Michelle, with a gorgeous smile, a sparkle in your eyes, and so much wonderful creativity inside. This may not help you much now, but I promise you, it DOES GET EASIER.

By the way, there is a book from the UK that you might find helpful, it's called Beyond Chocolate, I'll and link to it here: http://www.beyondchocolate.co.uk/

Happy wonderful delicious 35th birthday!

[Frankie]

First of all, you are truly one of the most amazing women ever. And I say that knowing and being surrounded by amazing women all my life. You are remarkably amazing.

I could have written this word for word (although probably not quite as eloquently). I suppose at twenty-three I have not yet begun to feel that tug of fear about growing older, but all the rest I feel even now, even in my youth. I fear it will only grow worse with time.

I know too, this feeling of readiness, of new beginnings, of that insatiable hunger for more out of life, out of myself. I know whatever you choose to do, in whatever ways you jump up and change your life, you will continue to be wonderful. You will surpass every word there is for wonderful. You will transcend the beauty of language.

You have done it before. You will do it again.

Thank you for understanding, for sharing, for inspiring. I admire you in every way possible. xoxo

[Kirsten Michelle]

i've read every one of your last 4 posts...
and more than words could ever express...
i understand.

i don't have your number...
but if i did, i'd call you.
if i did, i think we could talk for hours...
like old friends picking up where we last left off.

since the very first post i ever read here, michelle...
your words and poetry have resonated so deeply...
expressions of my own thoughts and feelings...
eloquently, tenderly, beautiful articulated.

i thank you for your bravery and courage...
i thank you for sharing in this journey with me...
it is an honour and privilege to walk beside you.

i'm thinking of you today...
sending birthday wishes and a reminder that you are not alone.

all my love,
kirsten
xo

[gkgirl]

hey sweetie...

i am just catching up now...
things have been hellishly busy
in the geek household lately.

but i wanted to say
after having read all of these posts
that i had fallen behind on,
that i think i get where you are coming from.

i turn 40 in a couple of years
and that has been on the back of my mind
for some time now...
along with alot of nagging little questions
like
what have i done...have i done all that i wanted...am i doing what i want right now
or am i just spinning my wheels...why am i still waiting to do these things...what if
the time to do these thing never comes...
what if it is up to me to find the time...
to make the time.

i have always been told i look young
which i have been grateful for
but i think that now that i am starting to
notice frown lines and blemishs
and stubborn weight gain
i feel panicky.

and then i feel mad at myself
because that is not who i want to be,
that is not what i ever want to portray
to my twelve year old daughter,
i talk the talk about aging gracefully,
about what's inside being more important,
about not being superficial,
but can i walk it?
somedays, yes.
others...not so much.

so yeah, i think on some level,
i get where you are right now...
and i hope to get the "real" that you
are striving for right now, too.
you know i am right here beside you
for that journey....
taking notes...and being inspired.

xo

[Tamsie]

We've never met. I don't know your story. Rest assured, getting old is, I believe, better than being dead. I'm not sure how long I have on this planet but I am at a place now, where I want to use the time. I haven't always been in this place. So, today, I am reaching back to offer you my hand. You'll be ok. Wrinkles, flabby arms, cellulite...not life threatening. Ego threatening YES.
This is the beauty of women connecting. In my 30's I was really a mess. In my 40's I began to appreciate who I had become and now, I am going deeper. Notice I left out my teen and 20's (total disaster years)
Peace...

[pen]

i'm afraid i am still at scared and tired. every so often i feel the urge, the drive, the {possibility} but i've never managed to manifest it. still i keep trying and i can't wait until i am ready...

maybe it will be today ~ spurred on by the beautiful truth in your post. it felt cathartic.

you are a true inspiration x

[Jennifer]

Me too.

What being ready looks like to me might be really different. I guess what each of us does when we reach this point may differ or there might be something familiar in our stories and efforts.

For whatever it's worth, this is the focus of my blog and the reason for the new name. You are welcome there to take what is useful and leave what isn't. Mostly I just wanted to say you aren't alone in this being ready business, or being scared for that matter, and I'm thankful to you for sharing what is happening for you right now.