growing up

So this evening I got a call from a friend who said, "I was just getting caught up on your blog.  What the hell's going on with you?"  I assured her I am in fact not in a crisis and that I'm just working some things out. The past several weeks have been filled with moments of thinking about aging, my changing body, and everything that's behind me.  I did have one realization about why this recent birthday is hitting me as hard as it is.  In the past, when I was younger, I used to imagine myself being older. I'd picture myself at a certain age in the future.  Well that age I used to project myself into is no longer in front of me...it is now behind me and that feels really weird.  It's not that I imagined by this certain age I would have accomplished certain things or be living a certain way.  It's just that there used to be this age I imagined being that was always somewhere in front of me .  Now I can no longer think about that age in future terms because it's in the past.  And somehow it passed me by without my even realizing it.  Maybe that's really the part that's hard to deal with.  Knowing I missed it along the way, that I was living in that "future" age and didn't realize it and now that I am aware of it it's gone.  It's just a really weird feeling.

I've also spent the last couple weeks experiencing some very sleepless nights.  I wake each morning exhausted not because I'm not going to bed at a reasonable hour but because I spend the night dreaming these very intense and detailed dreams.  I feel like I go to bed each night not to sleep but to live a different life that is more intense and active than my waking life.  I go about my daily business and then instead of renewing my energy each night I have this other business I take care of in my sleep.  I wake in the dark in grief because I've dreamed someone I love has died...usually my grandmother.  In the dream I am not just grief stricken but I am filled with regret for the things that weren't said and done.  Or I wake suddenly, my heart racing, because I've dreamed about a serial killer.  I'm either trying to hide/escape from the killer or I know who the killer is and I'm trying to save someone from him...someone who is naive and doesn't realize the person is going to kill them.  Yep, I've had a couple weeks filled with a lot of death and dying and blood and murder and grief and regret...all while I'm supposed to be getting some much needed rest.  This afternoon I came home from work, crawled into bed for a short rest, and woke 3 and a half hours later.  It was the first time in awhile that I've actually slept deeply and soundly.

The main thing I feel I'm going through right now is working through the shit I'm tired of carrying.  In addition to realizing I'm getting older this birthday has also made me more aware of all the shit I've been carrying for far too long.  Some of what I've been carrying is over a quarter of a century old.  Seriously!  I'm just really tired of hauling it around, tired a living from a place that is so far gone I don't even remember it clearly.  I'm tired of living from a story that may have been true at one time but is now in the past.  I'm tired of living out of the life of a girl who was me, and will always be a part of me, but who has grown up and changed.  I'm tired of all this old shit and in many ways it has kept me locked into being this girl I used to be and hasn't allowed me to see that that girl is different now...she's changed, she's grown up.  That's what last night's post was about.  It was about facing that girl, telling her how I feel, realizing some of the reasons why I'm still carrying the old shit, and trying to find a place to put it so that I can move into who I am now. 

In other words while I am adjusting to this new age and the realization that I'm getting older, that my body is changing, that if I'm going to age peacefully I better deal with how I feel about my body and what I think about beauty, I am also realizing I'm ready to grow up.  This birthday hasn't made me want to hold on to the past.  It's made me want to deal with some things from the past.  It's made me ready to move into a better place with myself.  It's made me ready to let the girl I used to be be just that, the girl I used to be, so that I can finally grow up and grow into who I am and who I'm becoming.

Savvy?

Comments

[BobbieEVERETT21]

Some time before, I did need to buy a good house for my business but I did not have enough money and couldn't order something. Thank heaven my father adviced to take the loans at reliable bank. Thence, I did so and used to be happy with my collateral loan.

[darlene]

just wanted to send you a note to say hope all is well in your world, think of you often ... lots of hugs, xo

[Aundria B.]

I stop by every few days hoping that you've returned and see that you haven't. I won't give up on you, Michelle. I know how hard it is to face the pain of the past & accept it as some of the scars that make you so beautiful and sensitive to others. I'm praying for you, 'hon & am sending some love & hugs your way. ~ Aundria

[Toni]

Come out, come out whereever you are.

[joleen]

just thinking of you.. hope all is well.

[Star]

Just wanted you to know you've been on my mind. Wishing you joy-full days.

[Georgia]

I was thinking about you...

I have missed your words. You are always such an inspiration to me.

~Georgia

[deirdre]

You've been on my mind. Hope all is well with you.

[bee]

michelle,

i've been by, but never left a comment. now i'm going to. i miss you. hope you're okay...your writing filled a particular niche in the 'sphere and it doesn't feel the same...

xoxo

[amy]

i check your blog every now and then.. i hope you and your family have had a lovely summer and that everything is ok in your world. take care.

[pink sky]

imagining you tucked sweetly into life right now...but missing you all the same. sending smiles and hugs. xo, mindy

[JT]

Where are you?? I miss you...

Stumbled onto your blog recently to find you gone.

U don't know me... but...

Your words and illustrated photos create a special space online to breathe. to reflect. to just be. a timeout from this humdrum chaotic life. so.. Don't stop writing.

Thanx!!

[susan]

Michelle,

i sure hope you're okay. I've taken a break from blogging this month, and am wondering how you are. Sending you light... holding you in the light of love,

Susan

[Aundria]

Thank you for sharing so vulnerably in your last two posts. You're going no small thing and I feel for you. I too am in a similar place and the grieving and letting go is hard, painful work. Take all the time you need. Take care...

[Wenda]

Hi Michelle, I wonder how and where you are these days. I haven't been posting or reading much myself lately, but feel a bit alarmed to see you gone for so long without a word. Hope you are okay. xoxo

[Melba]

thinking of you.
Hope you are well~
XO,
melba

[joleen]

hello dear..

i fell off myself for a few months but i'm back and hoping you are well. send a quick note to say hello. xo

[Pen]

really missing your posts...
hope all is well and you'll be back soon.
sending lots of love xx

[Jennifer]

I have not heard from you in so long, I just wanted to make sure everything was ok. I miss your sweet words and beautiful pictures.

[Sam]

Yes, I am thinking it too: where are you? Are you okay? Sending love. So much love.

[Sam]

Yes, I am thinking it too: where are you? Are you okay? Sending love. So much love.

[megg]

Okay, everyone's thinking it so I am going to say it - WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!?!?!?

Just let us know you're okay!

[Georgia]

Just thinking about you :) Hope all is well in your life.

xoxoxo

[hele]

I hope it is because your life is full of live affirming happenings that we have not seen you here in a while.

I'm sending lots of curious thoughts winging your way.

[Thea]

Hi Baby-
wow it has been so long since we have touched base.

I think of you and send you love.

Hope you are well.

XOXOXO
love and smooches and lots of I miss you's