For his birthday T and I bought the B-Dog his first bike...with training wheels of course. Once we lowered the seat a bit more for his little legs he was off faster than either T or I could keep up with. It's a good source of exercise: put the kid on a bike and jog to keep up with him. All was well until last weekend when the B-Dog took his first spill. He was flying down the street only to round a corner a little too quickly and wind up on his face. He limped around for a few days, a big bruise on his knee. He recovered from the limping in a few days time...except for when the suggestion of a bike ride came up, then the limping recommenced. He complained that he couldn't ride his bike because his knee just hurt too bad.
Tonight was his first time back on the bike. I needed to pick up a few things from the grocery store and in order to get a little exercise and help out the environment I thought it would be a good idea to walk. And it would have been a great idea if it hadn't taken us almost and hour to make it 5 blocks. Although the fear of falling again didn't immobilize him it did certainly slow him down to a snails pace. I could have crawled on my hands and knees the entire way and still have been faster than he was on his bike. And anytime we approached an uneven place in the sidewalk or a gravely area he came to a complete stop. Sometimes that's what falling can do to us. We quickly go from zooming around corners to barely moving.
It didn't help that he kept repeating the same mantra over and over again: I'm so very, very scared. We finally had to stop and talk about the message he was giving himself. I explained that sometimes when we say something about ourselves again and again that's the way we start to feel. By saying over and over that he was scared he was making himself feel scared. Instead we were going to change the message. He was going to say, I am very, very brave...because he was. Getting back on the bike after being hurt is brave. And while our speed didn't increase much at least the message he was giving himself changed.
About a block from the store the B-Dog said, "Mom, what does the word fearless mean?" I told him it was similar to being brave. It meant without fear. He liked that word better and so his new mantra became I am very, very fearless. We finally made it to the store, purchased the eggs and Teddy Grahams we needed, and begin our slow trek home, the whispers of I am very, very fearless heard just above the crunch of gravel and the squeak of training wheels. About halfway home B said, "Mom, guess what I am now, very, very scared or very, very fearless?" Wanting to encourage the positive self-talk I answered, "I think you're very, very fearless." "Nope," he replied, "I'm both very, very scared and very, very fearless." And isn't that just about the truth of life--the fear and the fearlessness co-existing.
I think sometimes I give fear a bad rap. I think I'm supposed to always live bravely, that I'm supposed to eradicate fear from my life. But fear has its positive aspects. It alerts us to when something is wrong. Its the fear that keeps us careful and cautious so that we can live wisely while living bravely. It can be fear that pushes us to rely on others when we need them the most...like when we're getting our courage up to ride our bike again and we want someone by our side...just in case. Its fear that teaches us to look both ways before crossing the street and to watch for cars pulling out from the driveway. In other words, what I'm trying to say is fear isn't always our enemy. Fear is that something inside us that just wants to keep us safe, keep us from getting hurt.
We've been home for over an hour. The B-Dog is fast asleep...at least I hope so and I've watched Samantha Who? I'm still thinking about our trip to the store and how it is good to be both very, very scared and very, very fearless. Maybe instead of shaming myself for the fear I sometimes feel I need to look at my own fear from a different perspective, to see it not as something to push from my life but as something to honor, something to view as I would an overprotective friend, at times too limiting and constraining but at other times very right in its observations, something to couple with my own fearlessness.
Terrific post! I really enjoyed reading this, Michelle. What important lessons your son is learning - not only to ride a bike but to acknowledge how he really feels inside. Yay for him for getting back on his bike!
Posted by: susanna | May 02, 2008 at 06:16 PM
excellent point indeed...
i don't think you can have one
without the other.
Posted by: gkgirl | April 30, 2008 at 04:19 PM
Hi Michelle, I've been meaning to come and say hi - it was so great sitting next to you in Susan's class. He is so right, I love the mantra! It's true too, there is no bravery without fear - it's not being brave to do something that feels easy and safe, the bravery comes when we take a leap.
Posted by: Kelly | April 30, 2008 at 04:37 AM
Your son said it better than anyone else could have. He fearlessly confronted what scared him the most. If he's got that down at 5 years old, he is destined for great things!
Posted by: Mandi | April 29, 2008 at 09:02 AM
I. Love. This. I'm going to make a new mantra for myself - several new ones, as a matter of fact.
Your five-year-old is a wise, old soul.
Posted by: deirdre | April 28, 2008 at 08:53 PM