.me.
There is an interesting phenomenon that happens when I look at pictures of myself...maybe it happens to you as well. Sometimes I see myself and I look similar to what I think I look like. I look like the image that stares back at me from the mirror everyday. But most of the time I don't look like that person at all and it feels a little weird. It feels uneasy, and a little insecure, when I don't look like the image of myself I've been carrying around in my mind's eye. It also feels a little disappointing. I practice looking at myself, finding the things I like in my own reflection, so that I can learn to accept myself. When I see something very different from that image it throws me off balance a little. I find myself staring at the photo looking for traces of the person I know, looking for what I find beautiful and acceptable in the image I see in front of me. I guess it's that need to feel okay with myself.
Most of the time I shy away from the camera. That's probably true for most women. It usually works for me because I'm normally the person behind the camera. I don't have to come face-to-face with myself very often. The pictures above were taken on my camera by Liz. We were having brunch at a little french bistro before leaving Port Townsend after ArtFest. When I got home and loaded all my Seattle pictures onto my computer I found them. I've looked at them several times. I'm not really certain what I'm looking for. I guess I want to look at them and feel okay with myself, feel okay with what I look like. While some of what I see in these three images feels unfamiliar there is something appealing about them. It's the joy, the joy I see all over my face. I remember laughing at how cute Liz was when she was taking my picture. I remember that feeling of having gone through a transformational few days and feeling right with myself and my life. I remember feeling a little uncertain about how the day would unfold (because I'm quiet I often feel a little pressured/stressed about conversing with someone else, even a good friend) but willing to sit with a little uncertainty in favor of a unique bonding opportunity. I remember feeling at peace.
When I look at these pictures of myself there are still a few parts I want to push away, a few things I don't like about what I see. But the joy I see outweighs everything else. It's the joy that keeps me coming back to the images, viewing them over and over, looking into my own face to learn more about who I am.
You've expressed that search for self-knowing and understanding so well. I have similar experiences when looking at my own photos ... but I consider it an archeological dig--an excavation of the soul. Love that Liz took these of you, what a gift :)
xx, JP/deb
Posted by: JanePoe (aka Deborah) | May 04, 2008 at 10:46 AM
in these pics i think that you look completely peaceful with who you are when you're with liz.
you look beautiful and happy!
Posted by: jenica | May 03, 2008 at 11:20 PM
Oh I sooo know what you mean! When I look at a photo of myself, I don't recognize myself, but I do, but then I don't. Strange, isn't it? When I look at these photographs of you, I think that you must be fun person who loves to laugh and would be a hoot to chat with over brunch. And that red cap looks darn cute on you!
I can guarantee you that your older self of the future will LOVE LOVE LOVE these photographs of you right now.
Posted by: susanna | May 02, 2008 at 06:10 PM
such lovely writing.
such honest and compassionate lens through which you see yourself.
charming and real and perfectly wonderful.
Posted by: bella | May 01, 2008 at 08:27 PM
is that an Anthropologie shirt? I like it, very cute and fun and artsy. I would be delighted if a casual photo of me turned out that good, my girlfriend took some of me and they were awful, it made me upset for a week - I thought, uh, is that what I look like? it was not the me in the mirror at all! so which is real? I have shied away since then, I prefer the me behind the camera.
Posted by: shona | May 01, 2008 at 05:35 PM
The first thing I saw was the joy - it made me smile with you.
I sometimes catch a glimpse of myself in a window and always feel surprised at how tall and gangly I look - as opposed to how I want to look - compact and smooth and unruffled by life
Posted by: hele | May 01, 2008 at 06:01 AM
number one...i think you are adorable
in these pictures....so cute.
that had to be said.
:)
secondly...when i look at pictures
of myself, i find myself straining
to see what it is that other people see.
strange, i know...but me nonetheless.
:)
Posted by: gkgirl | April 30, 2008 at 04:17 PM
I'm the same way--we went for a long walk last night and my husband held the camera out and took a couple of snaps of us (as his is often wont to do). My immediate reaction was how cute he was and how fat my neck looked. Ugh.
I love your smile, Michelle! These pictures of you are absolutely adorable and are sure to bring back good memories each time you see them. Thank you for sharing them with us.
Posted by: Star | April 30, 2008 at 09:31 AM
it is one of the conundrums in life, i think, that we find it so very hard to see the beauty in ourselves, tho we practice looking for it, and those who know us, who love us, can see it all right away. Beautiful, joyous, and did I say beautiful, photos of you
Posted by: Liz | April 30, 2008 at 08:04 AM
when i look at these photos of you i see a beautiful, super cute, artistic, joyous, warm woman, someone i would love to sit and share a smile with ... i understand what you are saying, i think it is part of the reason i started doing self-portraits last year ...
Posted by: darlene | April 30, 2008 at 07:57 AM
oh you are SO SO SO beautiful and these pictures though utterly lovely, don't even begin to capture how beautiful you are in person-- your energy is all about the sweetness and the light.
Posted by: Elizabeth | April 30, 2008 at 07:35 AM
I love these pictures of you!! You are beautiful inside and out.
Posted by: Irma | April 30, 2008 at 05:46 AM
i feel the exact same way...i can't honestly remember the last time soeone took a good picture of me that i wasn't so icky about. you have a really wonderful smile :)
Posted by: pink sky | April 30, 2008 at 05:32 AM
great pictures and it's really lovely to {see} your face. the woman behind the recent postings who have so moved me.
you are {beautiful}
and your words resonate so deeply with me. i too struggle to find photographs of myself that i {like} it is not just looking for the physical: but it is, like you say, "i find myself staring at the photo looking for traces of the person i know, looking for what i find beautiful and acceptable in the image i see in front of me. i guess it's that need to feel okay with myself" and that goes beyond mere physical beauty. i think it does come in those moments when we are feeling comfortable with who we are and it is fabulous you have these photos to remind you of the true joy of being comfortable in your own skin and how amazing you look with it. xx
Posted by: pen | April 30, 2008 at 02:05 AM
I love the joy eeking (is that a word? it is now.) out of those photos. That more than anything makes them worth holding onto and cherishing. That plus the fabulous hat. :)
Posted by: Bethany | April 30, 2008 at 12:10 AM
as soon as i saw these photos i smiled widely as i recognized this moment we shared together.
you look so beautiful my dear friend.
i am so proud of you for seeing the joy...for beginning to see you.
Posted by: liz elayne | April 29, 2008 at 10:03 PM
You're so cute! And you look like you were having a great time.
I hate having pictures taken. I think I'd rather go bra shopping (I hate that even more than going to the dentist) than smile for the camera. But, once in a while there's one that makes me feel cute - and surpised - I always ask if that's what I really look like.
Posted by: deirdre | April 29, 2008 at 09:50 PM
you're adorable! and oh, i do love that hat. :-)
Posted by: leah | April 29, 2008 at 08:03 PM