for you on your 5th birthday...

Dear you,

All weekend I have been tossing around some thoughts in my head, composing letters to you of things I'd like you to know about me, about you, about us, about the tangled relationship of parent and child.  I've lied awake at night writing big chunks of this letter; I just haven't actually pulled out paper and pen to get it down in physical form.  It's all been a mess of thoughts that I'm not certain I can adequately articulate.

When I was in Seattle, the longest I've ever been away from you, my friend Liz and I were sitting in her living room talking about life, about children and their parents, and the messiness of it all.  She said something that struck me with its truth, something that describes the parent/child relationship so well:  There is going to be shit.  But there is going to be so much love.  And that's just about the long and short of it.  I've thought about her words so many times since that evening.  There is going to be shit.  There's no way around that.  As much as I long to never hurt you, never make you feel anything less than the fabulous soul that you are, I'm going to screw up.  I'm going to make you doubt yourself.  I'm going to do things that hurt your feelings.  I'm going to make decisions and choices that I regret.  I'm going to make you feel things that break my heart to think about.  I'm going to make you cry.  I'm going to make you angry.  I'm going to yell, I'm going to totally miss it, I'm going to be self-absorbed, I'm going to have moments of complete selfishness.  It's going to happen.  And there may even be times that you doubt that you are loved and wanted and worthwhile because of something I've said or done.  I hate knowing that.

If I could line up all my parenting mistakes and failures they would circle the globe multiple times.  I always swear I'll learn from each one and maybe I do.  The only problem is rarely does the same situation arise again.  It's always new situations...with new opportunities to totally screw it up.  I'm not saying I'm a bad parent.  I'm saying I'm a human and I'm learning as I go along.  We do the best we can and unfortunately sometimes our best doesn't cut it.  There are moments when I make a parenting choice and immediately I know I totally fucked that one up.  The problem is I can't undo those things.  We can talk about it. I can say I'm sorry.  But I can't undo the mistake or the way my choice makes you feel or see yourself.  It's hard for adults to separate themselves from the actions of others much less children, but I hope I can help you learn, I hope I can help you truly know, that what I do, the way I react, has nothing to do with you.  I yell at you not because you're worthless but because I'm tired, or hungry, or angry at someone else...or I have a  really bad case of PMS.  It has absolutely nothing to do with you.  It's my shit and unfortunately some of it gets dumped on you.  That's what happens when people choose to relate to one another, especially if they live under the same roof.  And I try to explain that to you.  Every time I feel like I really screwed up I try to talk to you and explain what was happening with me that caused my reaction.  It may not take away the sting but I hope it helps you hold on a little better to the truth of your worth and value.

I've been reading this book about writing and the author must have had a pretty rough childhood because he occasionally brings up the fact that parents can really screw up their kids--parents can be so contradictory, making their children feel special one moment and then like a huge inconvenience the next.  It can be confusing and cause a lot of self-doubt.  Every time I read the author's parenting philosophies I cringe because although it sounds like he experienced childhood at it's worse there is a level of truth to what he says and I know that.  Children are impacted by their parents.  I don't know many, if any, people who don't have some kind of issues with their parents.  Usually all children have something...some issue with their parents that has followed them into adulthood.  And with you it will probably be no different.  One day you'll be writing about/talking about the things I did or said that you have issues with.  There's just no way around that and I guess I need to reconcile myself to that fact.  The ironic thing is the very things I'm trying so hard to prevent, the wounds I experienced that I am trying to keep you from feeling, won't be the things that effect you.  It will be totally different issues, issues I don't even realize exist because I'm so busy focusing on trying to save you from my issues.  Yes there will be shit.  Knowing this doesn't give me an excuse to be shitty but in a way it lifts a huge weight off my shoulders.  It allows me to relax into the humanness of parenting and release some of the guilt and regret I carry around with me every time I do make mistakes.

Years ago a friend of mine was giving a talk to a group of people about his parent's divorce and the impact it had on him--the pain, the wounds, the self-doubt.  Sitting beside me in the audience was his mother.  When the evening was over someone came up to me and told me how sorry they felt for this friend's mother, having to sit there and hear her son say such terrible things about her.  I knew his mother well enough to know that she was proud of her son for telling his truth, that the pain her divorce caused him was never something she wanted him to push away or lie about.  Yes some of her choices and actions played into his wounds.  She knew that.  And she would always have some regrets about the things she couldn't undo.  But refusing to hear his truth, refusing to allow him to voice his truth, wouldn't make him hurt any less.  Telling his truth, even if parts of it were hard for her to hear, was the thing she wanted most for him because she was wise enough to know that when you can own your truth you can begin to find healing.  That's what she wanted for him. 

I tell you that story because it's an image I try to hold on to as I navigate my own way through parenting.  The shit will happen.  When it happens I will hate it.  I will have regrets.  I will ache knowing I've wounded you.  But one of the things I want to do as a parent is allow you to own and voice your truth.  That's one of the hard lessons we try to learn as humans, how to separate ourselves, our feelings, from the truth of others.  We try to learn to allow others to tell their truth without wanting to silence them for our own sake or without cutting off the relationship because we are uncomfortable with their truth.  That's the gift I hope to be able to give you--the gift of allowing you to have your truth and voice your truth...even when it involves our tangled relationship.

I guess what I try to do everyday is make certain the love outweighs the shit.  Maybe the love will never cover the shit or make the shit okay but it helps us survive the shit.  It is the love that bandages some of the wounds caused by the shit.

One last thing.  I need you to know that you have changed my life more than any other human being.  You push me and challenge me more than anyone else.  You help me see both my limits and my capabilities more than any other relationship does.  With you I feel more powerless and inadequate than with anyone else.  But I also feel a bond with you that I don't have with any other human.  That's why you are the great love of my life...the one thing I will never recover from...one of the reasons I get up and do this all over again day after day, even on days when I really don't want to.  I hope when the shit happens...and it will...you will always remember that I love you more than anything.  Let knowing how much I love you help you survive the shit you will go through with me.

Mom       

Comments

[Kirsten Michelle]

thank you so much for this incredible post, sweetie.
it's such an honour walking this path of motherhood with such a wise and honest soul by my side.
xoxoxo

[Sam]

He's so lucky to have you, this wise, human woman, for his mom. Really he is. None of us is perfect or without flaw, we're all just muddling through as best we can. All of our issues, our failings - and I do believe the love, our true, deep seated love for our children tempers our mistakes.

I'm taking this parenting class (at church) and one of the things we keep coming back to being intentional, and being authentic, even (and especially) when we screw up. Saying you're sorry and admitting to your mistakes is HUGE. Of course it's all just theory at this point for me, I have the fun part of lots of love and snuggling and just making sure his basic needs are met, but I am so glad I have this stash of good parenting "theology" to draw upon when the time comes. Love and grace really do make the difference- for yourself, and for your child.

[gkgirl]

essssshhhhh....
i so get this right now...
i so hear this...
especially right now while to my eight
i am still everything
but to my twelve,
i am a bit of an inconvenience...
i am cranky, i am demanding,
i have expectations,
i am nagging.

sigh.

and you wrote this beautifully.

[Frankie]

Michelle, this is beyond amazing. I am in tears and am speechless. You are so very wise, and although I am not yet a mother, I found myself nodding along through all of this as a daughter. And even though these are not my parents words, I hear so much of them reflected here, so much of every parent. I loved so many lines, but especially "It will be totally different issues, issues I don't even realize exist because I'm so busy focusing on trying to save you from my issues." because this is the conversation I have over and over again with my mother when she is trying to apologize for our past. I think so much of parenting, and of life, is based around this trying to protect and avoid certain things without being aware of everything else. It's such a difficult balance. B-Dog is SO SO SO lucky to have an amazing mother like you, and I hope that someday he will look back on these words and feel their truth. I hope they will bring him comfort as they have me. Thank you for helping me heal. xoxox

[Delia]

Beautiful, beautiful, beautiful...I wish your guy a happy beleated b-day & hope he knows that getting a mama who is there for the shit AND the love is a huge gift to him. Thanks for sharing this letter...
Love,
D.

[jenica]

yup

xoxo

you rock

[LeeAnn]

Wonderful. Touching. I'd like to send it to all of my grown children. Thank you.

[darlene]

this is beautiful and oh so true, shit does happen but as my son turns 14 this year, i realize that we still have an amazing relationship where we really talk and somehow the shit that happens doesn't seem so bad. when we love, we give that love and at the end of the day, that is a lot.

your son is lucky to have such a loving and caring mom :) happy birthday to him!!

xo

[bella]

Oops. My last sentence should read: "It's all I ever wanted to SAY to my kid, but never knew how." sorry!

[bella]

This is the most beautiful letter I have ever read. Seriously.
Your writing is like a magical kind of art - very delicate, very passionate. I see so many of my feelings for my girl intertwined in your words for your little guy.
Thank you so much for sharing this. It's all I ever wanted to my kid but never knew how. xo

[kristen]

thank you for this, sister. you always write from a truth that resonates with me, so very deeply and this post here, is the corker.

i always say that if the worst thing we do, if the biggest grievance our girl has is that she was an only child, than we've done an amazing job.

and while i totally doubt that this will be her big issue with me, it does give me solace.

it does sting when i think of all the ways that i'm screwing my girl up and i pray that through it all, she knows that she is my love; the very best thing that's ever happened to me.

love to you. xo

[liz elayne]

i am writing this through tears...thank you for writing this and for speaking such truth and being you.
how lucky your five year old is to have such a wise mother.

[deirdre]

Reading this leaves me with the sense that, even with tough times and shit, all is right with the world. One mother loving her child like this, this much, must have power like nothing else.

[Melissa]

There is a lump in my throat as I read the very words that I feel for my baby girl.