TangledWings

Gone to Art Fest...

I'll be back in a week with lots of pics and stories...

New Ink

whatcha wanna do that fo'
she asks, as if she doesn't know
because this is my body
I answer
and I want everyone to know
it belongs to me
because for too long it didn't and
I'm takin' it back
because for too long I didn't know
I had the right to take it back
because for too long I didn't know how
to say no but now I know better
even though sometimes I still forget
I can say yes, I can say no
I can say don't you dare
but my body can't speak on it's own
I must open my mouth in my defense
because I gave too much away
for all the wrong reasons
but now I know what belongs to me
and I want to write my story
into my skin
so I'll never forget again

I feel like...

I feel like...
a woman who's getting too old, too fast
a woman who hasn't moved in days
a woman whose body aches from this lack of movement
a woman who can't seem to get enough sleep
a woman whose arms have become flabby and whose bell has become soft
a woman with a car seat in the backseat of her car
a woman who feels incredibly empty and keeps trying to fill the emptiness with food
a woman who doesn't have a clue who she is, what she wants, or what might possibly make her feel satisfied
a woman who is so many things she can't make sense out of any of them
a woman who's afraid--
afraid of loosing herself and her voice
afraid of never belonging
afraid of never feeling content
afraid of never finding peace, especially peace with herself
afraid of running out of time
afraid of not connecting to her core
afraid the day will come when she'll never be touched again
afraid some day she'll stop feeling beautiful
afraid of loosing her words, her poems
afraid of always being hungry
afraid of never really connecting to something deep
afraid of never being who she wants to be--who she knows she can be
afraid of not recognizing her own voice
afraid of dying with too much trapped inside
a woman who just ate two vanilla scones and a huge serving of lasagna and doesn't give a damn
a woman who knows something is not quite right but can't figure out what
a woman who keeps taking everything out on everyone else
a woman holding a lot of rage
a woman who can't be still
a woman who wants change but is forcing it and as a result is being destroyed by it
a woman who's lost something but she's not sure what
a woman staring out the window into the dark

I Really Need a Vacation...or Art Fest Can't Come a Moment Too Soon

Talk about moody.  I feel like I've been the biggest bitch lately.  I can't quite figure out what's going on with me other than I really need to get away from everything.  I've been sleeping in the extra bedroom not because anything is wrong with my relationships but because I've been in such a bad mood for the past few days I've sequestered myself away from everyone else.  Little things grate on my nerves.  I come unglued easily and I'm in a really bad place with myself.  I've done a lot of beating up on myself lately (read: a whole lot of overeating...a WHOLE LOT of overeating.)  I feel completely miserable and although I've been trying to do little things for myself, to nurture myself, nothing seems to be working.  I've curled up in bed the past couple evenings in tears because I feel so unhappy...and for no reason other than I can't quite get in sync with myself.  Which is why I'm so glad I'll be heading to Art Fest next week.  I need it.  I need time to bond with fellow friends and artists.  I need time to do some major soul nourishing things, like lots of writing.  I need time to gift myself with the invaluable gift of creative renewal.  I need to leave work and responsibilities behind and have one great big play date with my inner artist.  I can't wait.  This evening I purchased a few last minute clothing items (a new jacket, a couple of new shirts) and I pulled the suitcase out of the closet to begin filling it.  I have a lot to do between now and my flight on Tuesday but not even my mile long to-do list can squelch my excitement. 

The Pink Ones are My Favorites...

Little Scraps of Paper Everywhere

Often when words and phrases enter my head that I might be able to use for future poems or blog posts I jot them down on a scrap of paper (receipts, napkins, loose pages pulled from notebooks) before it's lost forever in my head somewhere.  Unfortunately most of the time I end up still forgetting about them because I tuck the papers way and never think about them again.  Last week I found once such scrap of paper tucked in a notebook.  Because I rarely date my scraps I usually don't know when and/or why I wrote the words.  But it's kinda fun to find them.  They're like little poetry treasures buried throughout my world.  The following bit I found scrawled on a small sheet of notebook paper.  Very appropriate for the return of spring.

Some days she'd lie in the grass,
her chest pressed against the beating heart
of the earth and pray that the gentle breathing
of their joined hearts would pull her back
into herself...and if not, at least let it
open her eyes...and if not, at least let it
teach her how to cry.

when it rains...

My life is in a transitional time.  It seems like over the past two to three weeks it has not only rained...it has poured.  The B-Dog had strep throat and Fifths disease.  Then T's Papaw died.  Then the B-Dog had a ear infection in both ears and some kind of virus.  On top of all that I've been training a new co-worker and I've been receiving training for a new position, not to mention the photo sessions I'm trying to edit and wrap up during the evenings.  Needless to say life has been anything but routine.  There have been many sleepless nights, many stress-filled days, a bit of traveling, a lot of exhaustion, and not much time for the things I really enjoy doing.  I surprised myself this past weekend by staying in bed Saturday until after 2:00.  I was just that wiped out.  It's taken a lot of focus to work in a little bit of time each day for the things that feed me, things like writing, reading poetry, photography, creating, etc.  And it's times like these when one realizes you have a certain amount of energy to give every 24 hour period of time and that choices have to be made as to how to spend that energy--trying to spend it on things that will energize and nourish as opposed to totally drain.  So blogging has been pushed to the side.  For the next few weeks...or months depending on how long it takes me to get settled into all this newness...you might be getting a lot of simple posts--photo posts, poems written in the past, lists, and random ramblings.  It's just one of those times, one of those big life transition kind of times.  Life is demanding my attention...and I guess I better give it all I can.

ps--the above image was taken through a kaleidoscope

when it rains...

My life is in a transitional time.  It seems like over the past two to three weeks it has not only rained...it has poured.  The B-Dog had strep throat and Fifths disease.  Then T's Papaw died.  Then the B-Dog had a ear infection in both ears and some kind of virus.  On top of all that I've been training a new co-worker and I've been receiving training for a new position, not to mention the photo sessions I'm trying to edit and wrap up during the evenings.  Needless to say life has been anything but routine.  There have been many sleepless nights, many stress-filled days, a bit of traveling, a lot of exhaustion, and not much time for the things I really enjoy doing.  I surprised myself this past weekend by staying in bed Saturday until after 2:00.  I was just that wiped out.  It's taken a lot of focus to work in a little bit of time each day for the things that feed me, things like writing, reading poetry, photography, creating, etc.  And it's times like these when one realizes you have a certain amount of energy to give every 24 hour period of time and that choices have to be made as to how to spend that energy--trying to spend it on things that will energize and nourish as opposed to totally drain.  So blogging has been pushed to the side.  For the next few weeks...or months depending on how long it takes me to get settled into all this newness...you might be getting a lot of simple posts--photo posts, poems written in the past, lists, and random ramblings.  It's just one of those times, one of those big life transition kind of times.  Life is demanding my attention...and I guess I better give it all I can.

ps--the above image was taken through a kaleidoscope

proof of a life in transition=a photo post