Your Stories {tears}

Earlier in February after writing this post about finally letting myself cry over something I'd been holding on to I had an idea, something I wanted to start incorporating into my blog.  If you've read my blog for very long you know how I feel about sharing our stories, how important it is to me, and that I believe in the sharing we connect with one another and we find healing.  You have probably also discovered that one of the things I value most about blogging is the community you can build through blogging and it's hard, maybe even impossible, to build community without sharing bits and pieces about ourselves, without sharing our stories.  So what I want to do, maybe once a month, maybe more, maybe just when a topic comes to me...I don't know yet, is ask you to share a story about some specific topic. 

Because of the Tears post I've been thinking quite a bit about tears so I thought my first topic would center around tears. 

When was the last time you cried?...

It's not unusual for me to cry once a day.  I'm just like that.  Little things touch my heart and my eyes well up with tears.  Commercials, Deal or No Deal, the words to a song or poem, someone's story, something I read in the paper, something Britton says or does, etc.  There is joy and sorrow all around us and both tend to make me cry.  I actually haven't cried today and that's odd for me.  The last time I cried was last night.  Before I doze off my mind usually starts spinning.  I do a lot of my best thinking right before I fall asleep.  That's probably because it's one of the few times in the day I actually quiet myself long enough to pay attention to my thoughts.  I start thinking about poems I need to write (and I write them in my head) and blog posts I could write (and I write them in my head too).  Last night I was lying in the dark working through a poem and parts of what I wanted to say in the poem about relationships and vulnerability and risk and letting go of all the bullshit that keeps us from fully connecting with others made little tears run down my cheeks.  There were things I wanted to put into words, true and beautiful things, and the truth and the beauty brought tears to me eyes.  Although I'm really passionate about being my truest self and fully showing up in my life I'm also aware of those times I don't show up, times that I pull back, times I'm too guarded.  I see that guardedness in myself and I see the vision I have of myself and the two conflict.  That's okay.  It's not a negative thing.  It's just what it is.  There's no judgment.  But knowing who I want to be and knowing when I'm not living from that place can at times crack my heart.  And that crack in my heart is often where my words come from...as well as my tears.  What cracks my heart are the things that are important to me, the things I'm passionate about, and often our passion can bring our tears because there's so much emotion and energy behind the passion.  I was thinking about all these things last night in the dark and I began to cry.  I cried as I created this poem, a poem I wrote in my head then couldn't remember when I woke this morning.  And that's okay because I'm learning that some things need to be written but never put on paper.  It just needs to be said, sometimes to nothing or no one other than what hides in the darkness, and then simply let go.

When was the last time you cried?...

Comments

[Marilyn]

Michelle, I'm here to catch up. Ohmygod, I fell TWO MONTHS behind! I want you to know that your comments (as always) are such a vital part of that connection you mention here that I feel in this community. They've brought such solace to me recently. I wanted to say that, period. But I also wanted to share it because not half an hour ago I was staring outside thinking about all of the tears I've been shoving down lately. In other words, I haven't been crying much lately...and it probably explains why I've been so disconnected from the tribe...

[Kim]

I cry when I think about my son being without family way out in the future. I have cried about this for a long time. Being an only child, in a paternal family where he is the only grandchild (the last Miller) ... I cry. I see him as a small child in the future with no one to love and protect him. Then I slap myself ... and know that most of the people I love and talk to every week are not MY family but my friends that are my family. My son will find the same and that gives my solace.

I cried the other day when I imagined a black man being sworn in as president. And my tears were more from pride that our country (will have) made it to such a point in history where we can all be proud of ourselves ...

I cry almost every night driving home from work from stories I had read in the news, have digested and can not settle in me. Soldiers dying in war, children being raped and murdered by people they trusted, the environmental issues. I work in the news and the news makes me cry every day.

I cry on my drive home because I did not think my life would be like this. I am not sure what I think my life would be like ... but I guess I was hoping I would not be the responsible one, I thought I would be staying home more, working part-time , doing art, freelancing ... I want my life and I guess my tears are for a life that I thought I would have.

I cry for our future alot. I cry for our children. The fight over water, over oil, over space. The fear for them is sometimes more than my mind can comprehend.

I cry.

I cry.

I cry.

xoxoxo

Kim

[Jennifer (Et Tu?)]

Wow, so funny that I would come across this post right now. I'm actually sitting here at my desk crying because I've had a terrible day.

The details of what made it terrible aren't even worth talking about since it's all so small in the grand scheme of things (think: signed up to cook a meal for someone in need even though I'm too overwhelmed to do things like that, made the worst pot of chili you can imagine, and then spilled it everywhere, including all over a bunch of checks I desperately needed to deposit -- and it got worse from there).

It all culminated when I packed the kids into the car to let them see my mother-in-law quickly, since she was in town just for this afternoon for a funeral. Because of a miscommunication I ended up missing her, and found myself sitting in the parking lot of a funeral home, sobbing about how terrible my day was while watching parents walk to their car after burying their 30-something son who died in a car accident. Then I felt so selfish and weak, I wanted to cry because I was crying. Ah, irony.

Well, there's my novel in your combox. :) Sorry for the long story, it was just a little bright spot in my day to read your post.

[awareness]

very interesting post and comments...

i'm a weeper...... sometimes it blushes up in me when i'm reading a blogpost....one that touches my heart. sometimes it hits me when i'm hearing someone's story that is heartbreakingly sad...... a song, a performance, a moving piece in a book can get the waterworks going.

and i'm fine with that...

last weekend, i was with a friend who is going through a marriage break up. she admitted that she has spent 40+ years trying not to CRY! The tears were spilling out of her.......finally. She has many tears to spill now and all i could say to her (through my tears of course :) was that it was alright. In fact, it was more than alright.......it was healthy and acceptable. For some reason she believes that if she lets her guard down, it means she isn't in control, and isn't taken seriously......wow.

great post.

[rowena]

I cry all the time lately. Usually it's just tearing up, misting up, but yesterday it was one big, honking near hysteria type of cry.

Having two little kids is really hard and doesn't leave much room for doing the things you need to do. And worse, it doesn't leave much room for yourself, sometimes. I guess all that pent up stuff has to come out some way.

[JanePoe (aka Deborah)]

I rarely cry ... in reflection, I think this has evolved over the years ... I used to cry a lot more, letting that emotional release come through tears and body shaking sobs. I think I hold too much in now & need to find a way to change that. Thanks for these thoughts ~ xx, JP/deb

[Wenda]

It's been a while. I don't usually need to think much to remember the last time I cried and now I can't quite pin down my last cry. It's been a while. Hmmm.

[claire]

It wasn't until I responded to this great prompt that I realised I'm not as emotional as I thought I was. I feel tearful a lot but I don't actually cry that often, and I still don't know whether that's a good things or not.

[La'Saundra]

The last time I cried was a little over a week ago. I was frustrated about something at work and I couldn't hold it in.

When I was younger, it seemed like I was always crying...about something. Something that touched me or something that hurt me. And I don't know when that changed but now, I don't as easily. I have to feel completely overwhelmed nowadays before I cry.

And I HATE to cry in front of other people. I feel so completely embarrassed. I always say that I'll know when I'm in love...I'll be able to let my guard and cry in front of him.

[Sam]

I cry very easily, too. I cry when I'm angry, or when I'm happy, when I'm moved spiritually. I "mist up" over many things, sad parts of a TV show, yes, but it takes A LOT for me to cry over a book. If someone is relating something difficult or sad, I will cry in pure empathy, or try to avoid going there, conversationally, because I know I will cry and feel embarrassed. When I did prayer ministry, I often cried in the middle of prayers. That was the weirdest thing about being pregnant - I was LESS emotional, very even.

The last time I really cried was at the Over the Rhine concert. It was a wonderful crying, an overwhelmed with goodness and beauty sort of crying.

[Brenda Kula]

I cried last weekend after a fight with my husband. She same sad old refrain. The differences in men and women. The way women speak when they want something, and men expect things without voicing their needs. I cry when I'm angry, too. It is the final pole holding up my resolve, and when it crumbles, I let it out and let it heal.
Brenda

[darlene]

i cry so easily, i am incredibly sentimental and sensitive so tears are alway springing to my eyes. i cry reading blogs, i cry reading books, i cry seeing beauty, i cry from heartache and loss and i even cry when i get angry.

sheesh.

the last time i cried was on the weekend ... we were all laying around the living room reading our books and i looked up at the way the sunlight danced around the room highligting the breathing of my family, the soft sound of pages turning and i started crying softly ... the moment seemed too beautiful and my heart spilled outwards. it was good.

[Victoria]

Last time I cried? Yesterday while working at my easel, I had the Ernest Scared Silly, movie on.
I sobbed when his dog came back to life (a gigantic troll had turned it into wood).
I stared at my reflection in the tv screen sobbing and started laughing because if my sister would have seen me crying over this goofy movie, she'd laugh, which would make me laugh. Isn't that something how someone we love can cheer us up even when they are not with us?
Goodness, if I have that movie on again today while I'm working on my art and find myself sobbing again? That's normal for me! lolo!!

[margie]

Goodnes, I cry a lot...everyday!
I cried today when I was walking with my dog, and thinking of my brother.
It was his birthday, and I called him.
He sounded so sad!
When I got off the phone, I cried because I missed him, and because his life is not going well.
Then I cried about him almost the whole time I walked my dog.

Thank you for your lovely post!
Love how you write!

Margie

[Imelda / GreenishLady]

The tears did not fall. I brushed them away with the tip of a finger, because my friend was not crying, though her grief and sadness were palpable. Her mother died. I went to the wake, and I felt so sad to witness her tender vulnerability, to see the photos of her mother as a young girl and to stand by and see her body, with hair that had begun to re-grow after chemo. I felt so sad to think of my friend as orphaned, but the tears did not fall.

[linni]

I've been away for 5 days...visting all my friends in CT...and when I made eye-contact with them..it was like release...and the tears just flowed. With them there are no secrets, as they know me just looking into my eyes...that is friendship. And with each re-connection, and release, my heart filled up with love.

My heart is also filling up with love for your tenderness...for your heart...for you xx

[gkgirl]

well...
this has made me stop and think
(as your posts always do)
:)

i don't cry often...
i used to.
i cried at the drop of a hat when i was
younger.

and then, in my first real relationship,
i cried more than i laughed.

but then...
when that ended...
so did the crying.

i still cry...but it takes alot...
and i try to avoid crying hard if
i can help it, because it gives me a
migraine.

but last night,
i did get a little teary
watching the iron giant...
i just love that big robot.

i wish i had one of my own...
but
i'm getting off topic.

:)

[Frankie]

This is so incredibly moving. And I love this idea of sharing all our stories. Your post got me thinking, and I mean REALLY thinking, and I'm just not sure if I'm ready to share a story on this here, yet. I think it may have to be it's own post. I'll come back with a link, I just wanted to tell you how greatly I admire you, your courage, your strength, your tears of sadness and joy. It is beautiful. You are beautiful, and you inspire me more than I can say. Thank you for this. xoxo

[Jennifer (she said)]

first, thank you to everyone who has already shared a story. thank you very, very much.

i cried this morning while sitting in bed. i cried because i identified a spot that needs healing and it felt really big and scary.

basically, one big area where i need to have an open heart is in my relationship with my husband. as i prayed about letting go of my fear there and forgiving him and myself (and my parents) for various things, as i prayed about asking for what i really want and for the ability to be brave enough to claim it, i had this image in my head of me standing in front of this pale blue light. it was good - but i felt unstable. there was nothing around me. i cried because i was afraid. let go of everything i know (even if it isn't helping me at all?)? but then what on earth do i hold onto?

i guess it's like swimming lessons, right? when i was a little girl i took lessons at the Y. i was SO scared of letting go of the side of the pool. i loved the smell of the chlorine, i loved the warmth of the water, and i loved how free my body felt in it, but i was afraid to trust that i could keep myself up. still, i did it. i let go. and i did stay above the water. it was full of splashing and sputtering and water up my nose and not much grace for sure, but i did it.

so anyway. i cried because of fear, and want, and need, and letting go, but it was all good.

[liz elayne]

(such a wonderful idea to ask people to share their stories...reading through these comments is wonderful and i look forward to coming back to read more as people continue to respond)

i tear up very easily...commercials, movies, speeches, seeing someone else cry...how the list goes on. but the last time the tears rolled down my face my monday. they were actually tears of pain and overwhelm after getting my wisdom tooth pulled. the experience was a bit traumatic as it took a while longer than expected and was a bit painful. but, i, of course, waited to really cry until i was in the car with jon. then i felt safe to just cry about how vulnerable i felt and how much pain i was in... it was a release to just let it out...

[Lizzie]

I last cried over the weekend. On Saturday as I was finishing a book and on Sunday when I had a fight with my boyfriend. Crying comes very easily for me and is brought on by any number of things. I don't handle confrontation well and tears come with my anger. My mom & I share this trait. But I can also just as easily cry at movies or, as noted, when reading books. It's certainly something I've had to accept about myself, that I cry when overcome with emotion, whether it be positive or negative. And I'm okay with that.

[Bethany]

I'm with Pen in the always feeling ashamed of crying, but there's not much help for it these days with the post-partum hormones running amok in my brain. Telling you what last made me cry is probably going to make me cry again because of the absurdity, but here it is: taking a shower. More specifically, THINKING about taking a shower and trying to figure out how to carve twenty minutes out of a morning with two little girls who already take 120% of my time. Little dips in the road turn into pot-holes these days, and the pot-holes turn into craters, and the craters turn into black holes that swallow my energy and resolve. At least, like Right Brained Gal pointed out, crying is a soul massage. Tears have a way of emotionally hydrating me, even when they're caused by the necessity of personal hygiene. :)

[Pen]

i cry incredibly easily but i have always felt ashamed of my tears and try to hold them back or cry in silence when i am alone. now i am embarking on a journey of honesty i hope that i will allow myself to express my emotions in whatever form they choose - tears included. having said that, there was no hiding the tears i cried yesterday (and my swollen eyes still bear evidence of that today) because my precious cat, George died. he was only 9 months old and my tears were full of grief and tinged with regret... on a happier note, i cry just as easily with joy. i am still equally embarassed, but i much prefer the happy tears - like the tears that well up when i surprise my husband with a gift and his joy moves me to tears. i believe tears are your bodies way of releasing emotions that overflow within you and i hope i can stop subduing them and start acknowledging them as an expression of me.

[Frida]

I last cried yesterday. Sitting in a cafe with my dear friend Lou. Telling her about my friend Mr. B. I had big fat tears running down my cheeks and the rawness of the pain left me feeling like a layer of my skin had been peeled away. As I sat there crying our mutual friend Con walked in and sat at the next table with three of his builder mates. I don't know if he could tell that I had been crying but when I cooked him dinner tonight (he's my housemate's boyfriend) he hugged me. I like to think it was his way of saying he was sorry I was sad, as well as saying thanks for the stirfry.

[Right Brained Gal]

I inherited my crying gene from my mother who would shed tears at the drop of a hat. She cried every time she saw a stray cat, read a sad book or saw a sad movie. I was taught that crying wasn't a sign of weakness, it was a sign of compassion. Sad things make me cry, but afterwards, I feel like my soul has been massaged and I am ready to move forward. When I cry I know I am in touch with my emotions and this is how I let myself express painful feelings. I feel relieved.

Lately, I have been feeling sorry for myself, and I cry to disolve the darkness that is consuming my vision. It is the only way I know how to surrender. It is the only thing I know how to do, to temporarily subdue the pain.