Tears

I finally let myself cry about something I've been holding onto for months.  I've been telling myself to get over it.  I've been trying to convince myself it's no big deal.  I've been telling myself if I was strong, if I was aware, if I was really everything I say I am I wouldn't let this get to me, that instead I would deal with it objectively, and then I've been angry at myself for not having the ability to deal with it objectively.  I've been angry at myself for dealing with it humanly.  And I've been angry at myself for hurting, as if I, as if any of us, can stop the emotions that tend to surface when the world is shifting underneath us and we're struggling to figure out where we belong and what we belong to.  I've been blaming myself, blaming myself for the situation because I couldn't change myself and make myself different.  I've been blaming myself for all the things I couldn't do. 

And then one restless evening while everyone else was sleeping and I was lying in bed staring at the dark ceiling rethinking everything, as I tend to do when I'm replaying something over and over, trying to examine every detail, trying to figure out what I could have done differently so that in the future I won't make the same mistake, I felt something give, just slightly but enough, enough to bring the tears from their hiding place.  In the dark, the only other sounds the breathing of those I share my life with and the creaking of the house as it settles into it's foundation, I let myself cry.  I cried because I realized I'd been beating up on myself for no other reason than being myself.  I've been shaming myself because I couldn't be something I'm not.  I couldn't be different.  I could only be myself.  All this time I've been playing the old 'if I could have one more chance' game, a game that only leads to torture and torment, telling myself if I could have one more chance I could doing everything differently.  But that would mean I'd have to be something, someone, other than myself.  Which is something none of us can ask of ourselves or anyone else.  I've been clinging to shame--ashamed of my personality, my abilities, my limits, my fears, and my humanness. 

When I tell myself I should be different I tell myself I'm not enough just as I am.  When I tell myself I should be someone other than who I am I make myself small.  And I make myself small when I don't allow myself to be what I am--a human, complicated and emotional, born to be in relationships with others and able to hurt when those relationships shift, change, dissolve, fall apart, and don't end up being everything I thought they might be.  And by not allowing myself to feel fully, by not allowing myself to hurt, I sell myself short.

I cried and I prayed and I cried some more.  It didn't change the situation.  It didn't give me any answers.  It didn't solve anything.  But it did move me into a place of deeper compassion and tenderness towards myself and that shift, a shift into acceptance, forgiveness, and self-love, changes me.  It changes the way I see myself, my life, my struggles, my story.  And that kind of change, change that comes from love and not from shame, fear, or force, has residual effects that still linger in the blood after I've cried myself to sleep and then awakened to a new morning with a new perspective and a gentleness that was lost to the pain of shame and blame.      

Comments

[Marilyn]

Beautiful, Michelle. Reading this I realized that I don't really wish anymore that I could change to suit others...yet I still continue to be anguished over how others WANT me to be what I'm not...until I realize that I'm powerless to change them, just as they are to change me. Lately I've come to see it as changing orbits...I can still be the star I've always been...sometimes I just need to change solar systems...sometimes those planets I thought were friendly turned out to be black holes... ;)

[susanna]

I have been there, felt that, too.

[Franca Bollo]

I think Victoria nailed it. Actually, you have to parent yourself through this process. Pick up where your biological ones left off. And as you already know, the voice with which you speak to yourself must always be compassionate.

And know you are not alone.

Give the kitty some scratches for me.

[pink sky]

holding your hand...passing you a tissue...nodding my head in complete understanding...telling you are more than enough to so many...reminding you to be gentle with yourself...*hugs*

[gkgirl]

it makes me sad to think
that something happened that made
you sad
but i am happy to hear that you
have felt a break through with it.

[carolee]

it's been so long since i stopped by and i know it means something that i found this post. it means something pretty profound to me. thank you for sharing with us your vulnerability. it makes me less afraid, myself, less angry.

[Victoria]

I used to struggle with self anger, too.
One day I thought; what would I say to my child, if she thought these things about herself? "I'd tell her NO! No, you are wonderful just the way you are!" I mean, imagine your little son saying to you, "mom, I'm not good enough."
What would you say? You would try to encourage him to believe differently, to see himself through your eyes.
See yourself through your son's eyes.
God bless you:)
Victoria

[claire]

How soothing and cathartic. It sounds as if your pain has been transformed into a menaingful acceptance. It is so hard (but necessary) to be gentle with ourselves during a growth spurt isn't it.

[darlene]

i know this, i know this all too well and like you i am learning not only to accept who i am but to embrace who i am and accept what that means and be okay with any pain that brings ... because it also brings hope, joy and love. hugs! xo

[kristen]

"...born to be in relationships with others and able to hurt when those relationships shift, change, dissolve, fall apart, and don't end up being everything I thought they might be."

i'm trying so hard to get to this point, but i'm definitely not there. it's taking my heart a long time to recover this time and i find that it makes me wary going forward, trusting, hoping.

you say what my heart feels when i can't. xo

[windylindy]

Michele you are a gift to me today.

One thing I can't seem to forgive about myself is that I am human and make mistakes.

ME??? make mistakes, of course and in that thought the forgiveness runs through me.

Thanks!

[Lori]

Michelle, once again my eyes swelled with tears as you put my emotions into words. I am sitting at my desk blinking like crazy so I don't start blubbering away. I have to quite trying to convince myself to feel something different (better) then I actually feel and really, really deal with all the rawness and sometimes ugliness of life. Thank you again my friend!

[Delia]

Loved the photo...and your words speak right to the center of where I am in my own experiences right now. You aren't the only one who has those dark hours...maybe there is some comfort in knowing that.
Love,
D.

[kelly]

gosh...i am so relieved to see i am not that only one who does this. thank you so
much for putting this into words that make sense. your honestly always puts me back on my path.

[Jana]

I think we all feel that same way sometimes--overwhelmed by what we're not and needing to just accept who we are. Thanks for sharing this.
:)