TangledWings

This is me today...

Today the weather was so warm I didn't need a jacket and being able to walk into the warm sunshine made me feel alive...Today I'm not certain what I want to write about and decided I needed to simply write about where I am right now, today, because the uncertainty about what to write stems from the unusual week I've had (unusual meaning totally out of our 'normal' routine) and the feelings of disconnection this unusual week brought with it ...Today I want to curl up with my journal and make a list of things I want to do that I don't let myself do because of fear, intimidation, or the simple fact I don't make time for it...Today that type of list seems essential because it will bring me back to myself and that's exactly what I need...Today I wish I could hide away for several hours to make that type of list and do some additional writing because when my words start to pile up inside me I feel off balance...Today I renewed a friendship with someone I haven't seen for almost 5 years...Today I learned that when you've gone into yourself and out again with someone else, seeing that person again is like picking up right where you left off, that deep connection is still there because you have shared far too much of yourself with that person (and vice versa) for it to dissolve...Today I realized how far I've come and where I am headed and that feels both right and good...Today I'm feeling sad about my co-worker leaving his position and moving to another city not just because his position will be vacant but because he really has given a lot to me in the short amount of time I've known him...Today I have decided to make a small career change and although I know it's the best thing for me in the long run I feel grief over the things I will miss about my current position...Today I am opening the door to new possibilities...Today I am being brave and believing in my abilities...Today I sense body image issues beginning to resurface which feels like I'm battling my body again because those issues always bring with them a feeling of desperation and panic...Today I ache to be at peace with myself...Today I hunger for authenticity and the courage to more often make myself vulnerable without immediately feeling the need to draw back into myself, protect myself, and fold my heart back up...Today I wish there were times you could hold on to something and never let it go...Today I'm in denial about some things I'm feeling because I'm not ready to feel them fully and that's okay for the moment but I've got to get real soon because although not getting real is an option it's not the healthiest and wisest and most authentic option...Today my son has strep throat and 5ths disease (sounds dramatic but really it's not) and that has knocked this week out of balance...Today I am resisting my e-mail because I just don't want to deal with it...Today I want to feel beautiful but those resurfacing body image issues are getting the best of me...Today I know those issues are eating at me but I choose tenderness and compassion...Today I choose to love myself...Today I found a sweet card propped against my bathroom mirror left there by my mom...Today I'm grateful that I'm starting to see my mom in a fuller way, not just as a parent, but as a fellow human being with her own goals and dreams...Today I'm planning a trip to my aunt's house for the weekend to take pictures of my newly engaged cousin and although it's family I still get nervous before a portrait session...I'm ready to let go of today...

My Ode to the Daisy {Part One}

My ode to that soft place often overlooked where color cradles color, where the embrace of life is most evident, where petals unfurl from the green of spring...

SPC {blue-3}

What color goes good with blue?  Any color you choose...

Like many of you have shared on your own blogs winter is hard on me as well.  Sure it's the cold.  Sure its the day getter darker sooner.  But most of all it is the colorlessness.  I need color.  I thrive on color.  Winter in West Texas is dry and brittle and brown.  It's enough to send me into a major depression.  But, just when I think I can't take it any longer I find little glimpses of hope...little reminders that if I just hang in there the color will come back into my life.  Last week while taking an afternoon walk on one of the few days the cold wind didn't bite right to the bone I stumbled upon a bush full of yellow blossoms.  I swear you would think I had never seen the color yellow before in my life.  I ran back to the house for my camera not wanting to miss the chance to capture those first signs of winter's passing.  Then yesterday, while taking another walk, I found a tree full of plump, delicate, pink blossoms.  I left the house a little earlier than usual this morning just so I could drive out of my way to see the tree again before heading to the office.  In December I wasn't certain I was going to make it.  The holidays were taking their toll, winter's depression was upon me, and the drabness of the weather was definitely effecting my mood.  I made it to February.  I made it to the first blossoms of spring filling the clear blue sky.  I made it back to a color filled world.  There is usually always one last hard freeze before Easter.  I'm expecting that.  There are days the wind still rips through me.  The world around me is still pretty brown and brittle.  But little bits of color are beginning to make their appearance.  My heart is hungry for color and I'm walking through my days with my eyes wide open searching every patch of dirt, every bare branch, every forgotten flower bed for more signs of spring.  Bring it on!

what does a man have to do to get an Oscar around here and other Oscar reflections

Well, by now you've probably heard who the winners and losers were last night...even if you really didn't care to know.  So you've heard Johnny Depp didn't win...damn it...but I'm okay with that because Daniel Day Lewis played the hell out of his role in There Will Be Blood and he really deserved it...and if you believe a word of what I just said you don't know me very well.  I am in fact not okay with it at all and I just don't know what the man has to do to get an Oscar.  Seriously.  What else do they want from him?  I pouted for quite awhile last night and eventually my friend Cherri said, "You really didn't think he was going to win did you," and well, I guess this little part of me did indeed think he just might slip in there and win.  I mean there are always upsets at every Oscars...for instance Tilda Swinton's win last night.  Where the hell did that come from?  Not to mention her dress.  Where the hell did it come from?  So you'll have to bare with me over the next few days as I rant and pout and get it all out of my system.  I still say the man has more guts than any of the other four nominees and I dare say there's not a one of them that would have taken on the role of Sweeney Todd.  But I'm not a member of the Academy so I don't get to vote.  I just get to rant about it on my blog.   

On to other Oscar business...

Every year there are always complaints about the Oscar's being boring and entirely too long.  I don't think that would ever be possible in my world.  I think I would love the Oscar's no matter what and in my personal opinion the longer the better because I'm always a little sad when the credits roll and I realize I have to wait a full year for the next Oscar night.  Here are a just a few random thoughts (because that seems to be the best way to get them to flow) about last night's show...

• Javier Bardem is hot and I like the scruffy look...but not at the Oscars.  I wish he'd shaved.
• But I did love that most of his acceptance speech was in his native tongue (Spanish).  That's what the Oscars are all about.
• I love a man who takes his mother to the Oscars.
• One of the things I was most looking forward to was the performance of the song from Once and it did not disappoint.
• My favorite moment of the night was when they won...but I was so upset that she didn't get to say her thank yous, that the music cut her off...but then I was elated when they brought her out after the commercial break and let her give her acceptance speech...and in my opinion it was the best speech of the night.
• Not a big fan of Daniel Day Lewis's hair.
• Is it possible for George Clooney to look bad?  I think not.
• I loved the previous winner montages they did before the presentation of every category.  I'm a sucker for that kind of thing.
• And the montage of the 79 previous Best Picture winners...I'm such a sucker...
• And the opening...I love things like that...when you sit there and try to recognize as many movies/characters as you can.
• And I also loved the clips that aired right before commercial breaks in which previous winners talked about what it was like to win.
• Speaking of commercials...I'm really likin' the new J.C. Penney's commercials...American Living or something like that...
• Not lovin' Cate Blanchett's dress.  The neck thing's gotta go.
• And Marion Cotillard's dress...it looked like she was wearing scales...like a mermaid or something.
• I've already mentioned Tilda Swinton's dress but it was so bad it deserves to be mentioned again...definitely the worse dress of the night...if you can actually call it a dress...it was more like a black garbage bag...or a tent...
• Phillip Seymour Hoffman actually looked good...compared to what he can look like...
• Julie Christie was gorgeous from the shoulders up...the shoulders down was ruined by the gloves.
• Nicole Kidman...also gorgeous...but I didn't get the necklace...it looked tangled or something...I kept wanting to reach through the screen and fix it for her.
• Lovelies of the evening included (in my opinion)...Jessica Alba and her sweet belly, Jennifer Garner lookin' all glam, Hillary Swank, the absolutely beautiful Laura Linney (lovin' the red hair), Jennifer Hudson rockin' her dress (so much better than whatever that thing was she was wearing last year), Amy Ryan, Kerri Russel (who I wished would have gotten more recognition for The Waitress), and Katherine Heigl lookin' lovely and adorably nervous.
• I'm undecided about both Miley Cyrus and Ellen Page...they both wore beautiful dresses but they almost looked too grown up.
• I'm also undecided about Renee Zellweger...didn't like the look on the red carpet...someone forgot to brush her hair...but she looked great later in the night when she presented an award...and it looked like someone finally brushed her hair...
• Kristin Chenoweth was one of my faves of the night...both the dress she wore on the red carpet and during her performance were gorgeous...and she's just as cute as can be.
• I was so glad Diablo Cody won.
• Women with tats rock.
• Penelope Cruz...loose the feathers...
• oh Ruby Dee...she was so gorgeous in her very classy red dress...I really wanted her to win.
• Does Dixie Carter ever age?  I hope I look as good as she does when I'm her age.
• The B-Dog was happy that "little chef's" movie won.
• Could you not just eat up James McAvoy and his adorable Scottish accent.
• I know there were several moments in the evening when Jon Stewart made me laugh but none of them are coming to mind...so they must not have been all that memorable.
• I like him okay but nobody hosts the Oscars like Billy Crystal.
• I'll end this post with three words...Denzel, Denzel, Denzel...

Oscar, oh how I love you...

So the question is can I write a post, a post about the Oscars none the less, in under 20 minutes?  I don't know but I'm going to try.  My friend Cherri should be here any second.  The table is set, our Oscar ballots are printed, and I have the TV Guide channel on (because I don't have cable) to watch the Red Carpet arrivals.

People generally associate me with the Oscars.  Today I had a friend call out of the blue, a friend I haven't talked to in years, just to see how I was going to spend my Oscar day because she knew this is one of the most exciting days of the year for me.  And yes, I have been making preparations all week...and I've taken the day off tomorrow to recuperate from all the Oscar lovin' I plan on enjoying tonight.  People like to ask me about my Oscar predictions--who I think will win the various awards.  The thing is I don't like to predict winners.  I don't care so much about trying to see how many categories I can get right.  What I like to do is choose someone from every category and cheer that person on.  Even if there is a front runner in a specific category I will still cheer on my favorite...even if they don't have a chance in hell.  When that person's category comes up you know I will be holding my breath for them.  My stomach will be in knots, my fingers will be crossed, I'll be muttering prayers under my breath, and I'll be just about sick from the excitement of it all.  And should my selection win you know I'll be in tears when that person walks on stage to take that gorgeous little gold man into their hands.  So here are the nominees I'll be cheering on this year:

Best Actress:  I'll be crossing my fingers for Ellen Page.  She is just so cute and I really loved Juno.  I'm so excited for her to be nominated and this has just really been a big year for her.

Best Supporting Actress:  Ruby Dee all the way.  I've long been a great admirer of both Ruby Dee and Ossie Davis so I am very, very excited about her nomination.  I only wish Ossie Davis were here to sit in the audience with her...and tear up should she win.

Bet Actor:  Well, if you have to ask me about this category then you don't know me very well.  This is one of those categories in which there is a clear front runner--Daniel Day Lewis.  And he was amazing.  But...Johnny Depp was nominated.  I'm 99% certain Daniel Day Lewis will win but there is still that 1% and that one percent has been filled with every prayer my little heart can pray.  Does Daniel Day Lewis deserve to win?  Oh yes.  But you know what, so does Johnny Depp.  Not only was he incredible in Sweeney Todd but the man has balls...to agree to star in a musical...when he'd never done any singing..balls I tell you...big ones.  And yes, I would give him the Oscar just because he's amazing...and a genius...but I really want to give it to him because he has balls.  And should he win...should my month of praying to God that he'll win actually pay off...you'll probably hear me crying from where you are.

Best Supporting Actor:  Another category in which there is a definite front runner but that doesn't matter.  I love me some Casey Affleck and this has really been a good year for him and I'd love to see him win...even though I'm certain it will be Javier Bardem.

Best Animated Feature:  We love Ratatouille...love it!

Best Picture:  Well, since they didn't nominate either of my two favorite movies of 2007--Sweeney Todd or The Waitress--I'll have to go with my other favorite...Juno, Juno, Juno.  I've seen all the others...they were all very good...there isn't a best picture nominee that I didn't enjoy but I'm going to pull for Juno...just like I pulled for Little Miss Sunshine last year. 

Other moments I'm looking forward to...seeing the song that's been nominated from Once performed by the actors.  Like many of you I loved both the movie and the soundtrack.  Seeing Tommy Lee Jones...my heart belongs to his yummy Texas accent...I even wrote a post about his accent.  John Stewart hosting...he's always a thrill.  Seeing both Alan Arkin and Jennifer Hudson present this year's awards.  Hmmmm....let's see.  I'm just pretty much excited about the whole thing because for awhile I thought it wouldn't even happen...well, not with the same glamor as years past.

The doorbell is ringing so I better go.  I'll post tomorrow about my thoughts of tonight's show...who rocked...and who didn't...who looked brilliant...who should have just stayed home...who made me cry...who made me roll my eyes...you know, all that good stuff...  And I do apologize now my any spelling, punctuation, and/or grammatical errors.  I wrote this post just as fast as my little fingers would type.

Happy Oscars!

Your Stories {tears}

Earlier in February after writing this post about finally letting myself cry over something I'd been holding on to I had an idea, something I wanted to start incorporating into my blog.  If you've read my blog for very long you know how I feel about sharing our stories, how important it is to me, and that I believe in the sharing we connect with one another and we find healing.  You have probably also discovered that one of the things I value most about blogging is the community you can build through blogging and it's hard, maybe even impossible, to build community without sharing bits and pieces about ourselves, without sharing our stories.  So what I want to do, maybe once a month, maybe more, maybe just when a topic comes to me...I don't know yet, is ask you to share a story about some specific topic. 

Because of the Tears post I've been thinking quite a bit about tears so I thought my first topic would center around tears. 

When was the last time you cried?...

It's not unusual for me to cry once a day.  I'm just like that.  Little things touch my heart and my eyes well up with tears.  Commercials, Deal or No Deal, the words to a song or poem, someone's story, something I read in the paper, something Britton says or does, etc.  There is joy and sorrow all around us and both tend to make me cry.  I actually haven't cried today and that's odd for me.  The last time I cried was last night.  Before I doze off my mind usually starts spinning.  I do a lot of my best thinking right before I fall asleep.  That's probably because it's one of the few times in the day I actually quiet myself long enough to pay attention to my thoughts.  I start thinking about poems I need to write (and I write them in my head) and blog posts I could write (and I write them in my head too).  Last night I was lying in the dark working through a poem and parts of what I wanted to say in the poem about relationships and vulnerability and risk and letting go of all the bullshit that keeps us from fully connecting with others made little tears run down my cheeks.  There were things I wanted to put into words, true and beautiful things, and the truth and the beauty brought tears to me eyes.  Although I'm really passionate about being my truest self and fully showing up in my life I'm also aware of those times I don't show up, times that I pull back, times I'm too guarded.  I see that guardedness in myself and I see the vision I have of myself and the two conflict.  That's okay.  It's not a negative thing.  It's just what it is.  There's no judgment.  But knowing who I want to be and knowing when I'm not living from that place can at times crack my heart.  And that crack in my heart is often where my words come from...as well as my tears.  What cracks my heart are the things that are important to me, the things I'm passionate about, and often our passion can bring our tears because there's so much emotion and energy behind the passion.  I was thinking about all these things last night in the dark and I began to cry.  I cried as I created this poem, a poem I wrote in my head then couldn't remember when I woke this morning.  And that's okay because I'm learning that some things need to be written but never put on paper.  It just needs to be said, sometimes to nothing or no one other than what hides in the darkness, and then simply let go.

When was the last time you cried?...

SPC {blue-2}

Even after everything we've lost in this life,
things we let go of without realizing
we should have held on, things that slipped away
when we turned our backs, even after all we've lost
has piled up like laundry that needs to be done,
there are still some things we've managed
to salvage, things that hold us when we forget
and loosen our tight grasp---
the way your body fits mine like a faded pair
of blue jeans, traces of your scent still
on my skin well into my day, that spot
under your right shoulder blade I've claimed
as my own and press my lips into whenever you
begin to doubt you deserve this love, whenever
you start to fear you've given yourself away until
there's nothing left for me, there's still that one
small spot with my name on it which I take gently
into my lips like the bread of life.  There's still my arms
wrapped around your chest, my chin resting
on your shoulder, the palm of your hand
against my cheek, my lips finding the soft spot
above your wrist, the muscles of your body
limp in my hands.  There are still these things
we have of each other, well worn and broken in,
as familiar frayed denim.

A Few Good Things...intended for Friday, finally posting today...

• Jennifer's angel project--I purchased some cards last week and can't wait to get them in the mail
• this post by Frankie which reminded me that many times we don't realize how our life touches other lives and also reminded me that a lot of the time we don't feel like we deserve the recognition we receive because we are so familiar with our own humanness, but there are times you just need to open your arms and embrace the goodness other people see in you, trusting the things they see that you often miss
• Valentine's goodies from a dear friend...
• ...and a new hard drive from T...not very romantic but very practical
• finding little pieces of paper all over the house that the B-Dog has written on, now that he is learning his letters at pre-school he is writing up a storm, it melts my heart to find a piece of paper that he's written the word 'mom' on...it doesn't really melt my heart when he writes it on the couch...with a marker...
• the writer's strike FINALLY settled..now please bring back Chuck and Samantha Who?
• the Oscars are Sunday so I've been in Oscar preparation mode...yeah!...T has been designated the Wolfgang Puck of my Oscar party and is busy planning the meal for the evening...there are gifts to buy, champagne glasses to find, mojitos to be made, ballots to be printed, and many, many prayers to be said for Johnny Depp...
• I can't believe I haven't mentioned this before--I'm trying contacts again,  I like my glasses just fine but every once in awhile I feel a little trapped by them and long for a different look, so I've been wearing contacts for two weeks now
• this super cool clip found on Jamie's blog...you've got to see it...it's amazing
• Bethany's post which really touched my heart because I relate to her words in so many ways
• attending a writing group for the first time this past Thursday...and I stayed even though I was the only other person there besides the facilitator...I'm hoping the low turn out was the result of Valentine's Day and that the group is larger this week
• seeing Nikki Giovanni...if you didn't read my post from last Thursday please do...this experience was one of the highlights of my life
• last week seemed to be the week for seeing famous people...I heard Nikki speak on Thursday and then Saturday I heard President Clinton speak...he was campaigning for Hillary and I couldn't resist going to the rally...I mean it's not everyday you get to see a president
• getting several things checked off my ultra long to-do list...always a good thing
• and finally...this hilarious clip from Marilyn's blog...I don't think I've laughed this hard in a long, long time...and I'll warn you now, it's quite possible you'll laugh so hard you'll pee your pants...don't say I didn't warn you

ps--if you've left links on Wednesday's post never fear, I'll try and get them added tomorrow...

one of THOSE life moments

we all have THOSE life moments.  moments we know are truly important.  moments we know that when asked years from now to list some of the most memorable moments of your life this moment will be on that list.  moments that cause us to close our eyes and try as hard as we can to etch every detail into our brains so we'll never forget it.  i had one of THOSE moments today.  this afternoon i left work a little early to join a group of strangers in a dimly lit theater to hear Nikki Giovanni, civil rights activist and poet, tell some of her life stories.  i've had many significant life moments and this one joined that list.  it was indescribable. 

i wish i could tell you what it was like to see her step up to the podium, to hear her light-hearted laughter, to hear the words of her poetry from her own mouth.  i wish i could adequately describe her smile, her energy, her humor.  she was everything i expected her to be and nothing i expected.  she didn't read her poetry in the big way maya angelou does (who i've never seen in person, only on tv).  she didn't read it in a soft-spoken way.  she read it like a woman on the phone with her best friend who she hasn't talked to in days, spilling her words quickly and in a tone of familiarity.  she told her stories as if she'd known all of us her whole life, sometimes getting sidetracked, inserting sarcasm here and there, rushing over some of her most important statements, pausing a second so that we could catch it, and then saying, sometimes with a smile on her lips and sometimes with a voice so serious you knew not to cross her, 'well, it's the truth.'  she told stories about living through the death of her mother and shortly thereafter the death of her sister.  she told stories about emmett till and the long trip his mother made from chicago to claim his body, beaten and bloated, no longer recognizable.  she told stories about rosa parks and the significance of the bus ride she took on december 1, 1955.  she read poems she had written in memory of emmett till and in honor of his mother and the porters who stored his body with their personal belongings so that she could take him home where he belonged.  she read poems in honor of the strength and courage, anger and pride, it took his mother to refuse a closed casket funeral.  she read poems she'd written about rosa parks in a be-bop dance style so that kids today would have a way to relate to the significance of what she did.  she told her stories, sometimes with a flash of sarcastic humor, sometimes like a preacher looking for a hearty amen, and we all listened, barely breathing, no one daring to move.  and i don't know about everyone else but i sat there with tears in my eyes.  by the time our afternoon with Nikki was over i had a headache from trying to hold back the tears and it wasn't until i was finally sitting in my car that i let them flow.  she made us laugh, she made us shake our heads in disbelief, she made us gasp in horror, she made us cry, and more than once she made us stand in applause.

after her reading there was a book signing.  i have been carrying a book of her poetry around in my purse for several weeks now.  i've had it with me since the day i saw the poster advertising today's reading.  i stood in line with dozens of others, tears still in my eyes.  but when i reached the table and handed her my book i didn't have her sign it for me.  i told her i had a son who was only four and that he doesn't understand yet, but one day he will, and would she please sign my book for him.  and in the inside cover it now says, to britton, Nikki Giovanni.  by the time he's old enough to begin to understand the importance of the events Ms. Giovanni spoke about the montgomery bus boycott will be 70 plus years in the past.  dr. king will have been gone for over 40 years, emmett till even longer than that.  the stories she shared today will be more a part of history than they are today, some of them lost, some of them forgotten, some of them watered down...that is unless someone keeps telling them...with force, with conviction, without flinching.  and those stories will still be in her poetry, in every word she wrote.  and maybe he'll choose to read them.  and maybe he'll have a clearer picture of the importance of finding your voice and telling your stories, of voicing your anger, of speaking up for equality, of spilling your blood on the page, of fighting with what you've got...even if it's a pen.             

A Valentine's Day Gift for You

Back in November I wrote a post in which I talked some about the unusual phenomenon we call comments and the unpredictable nature in which readers choose to comment or not comment.  I also asked you to choose a post you had written that you were really proud of but that you felt didn't get the attention you wished it had received.  I then posted the link to this post so that readers visiting my blog could come to your blog and read the post.  The purpose was to offer you the opportunity to be seen and heard--two of the most important gifts we can receive from others.  At the time I had every intention of making that a regular occurrence on my blog.  I thought it could become a monthly edition.  Well, I never followed through.  But it's Valentine's Day.  A day whose meaning sometimes gets lost in commercialism but whose intent was to remind us to celebrate the the love in our lives. 

There are endless reasons we choose to blog--to share our stories, to share our talents, to connect with kindred spirits, to give our voice an opportunity to be heard.  We write posts in which we give the reading world the gift of our rawness and our vulnerability.  We write posts that say so much about ourselves and our journey.  We write posts we are tremendously proud of.  As readers of these posts we have the chance to honor one another.  We have the opportunity to affirm one another, support one another, encourage one another.  We have the opportunity to say, I see you, I hear you, I am traveling alongside you, I am cheering you on, I have been touched by your life, your story, your courage. 

In November when I requested links to some of your most important posts it felt like one of the most important posts I've ever written.  Each time I posted one of your links on my blog, giving readers the chance to read your words and leave you comments, it felt like one of the most important things I've ever done with my blog.  As a Valentine's Gift to you, to myself, to the blogging community I would like to request your links again.  If you would like to participate simply leave a link to one of your posts in the comments and I will post them here.  You can leave your links anytime this week or next week.  The cut off date will be next Friday (the 22nd).  This doesn't necessarily have to be a deeply personal/emotional post.  It's any post that means something special to you that you would like readers to re-visit.  It's any post that was important to you, any post in which you felt you truly expressed yourself.  It takes courage to say, I wrote this.  It was important to me.  I would love for you to read it.  It takes courage because it is often hard to ask one another for this kind of affirmation.  But asking is a gift we give ourselves, the gift of valuing our lives and our stories.  I'll be posting my own link once I decide which post I'd like to link to.

I would love to visit your blog and read a post that has deep meaning for you.  Just leave the link in the comments. 

***********************************************************

1. Marilyn 
2. Bella
3. Bethany
4. Becky
5. Julia
6. Frankie
7. Nicole
8. Penny