...i need you to see me...need you to find the beauty in me...i need you to think i'm beautiful because you can flip through the pages of a book and a flower, pressed between the pages for god only knows how long, will come fluttering out, landing softly on your chest...i need you to think i'm beautiful because commercials make me cry...and Oscar acceptance speeches fill me with tears...and Deal or No Deal never fails to choke me up...because the pain of others touches me...but so does their joy...i need you to understand and find beauty in the fact that i hold all those tears tightly behind my eyes unsure of how to let them go...i need you to think i'm beautiful because i can look at my son and fall completely and utterly in love with him over and over again...because i can stare at his little toes and never cease to be fascinated by them...because every time i notice a new way in which he has grown i am lost in astonishment...i need you to find beauty in my love of poetry...i don't need you to love poetry but i need you to love that i love poetry...that it moves me...that the way poets use words fascinates me...that poetry is the way in which i have found to share my own secrets...and if you'd occasionally let me share one of my favorite pieces with you...maybe even let me read it aloud to you...not because you're crazy about poetry but because you know the poetry i'm drawn to at any given time says a lot about where i'm at with myself and my life and you want to know that about me then all the better...i need you to find beauty in the messes i leave behind after a few hours of creating...i need you to understand what those messes represent...that it's about me finding out about me...and i need you to think that is beautiful...i need you to think i'm beautiful because i like to go to movies and restaurants alone...because i'm not afraid to be with only myself...i need you to give me the space to yell and curse and cry and maybe even throw a few things around without taking it personally...i need you to understand that it's only about giving myself permission to act out, to let out what stays pent inside...i need you to think i'm beautiful because i have the courage to give myself that permission...i need you to understand that i pull inside myself...sometimes to protect myself...most of the time to restore myself...i need you to honor those times i pull inside...i need you to think i'm beautiful because i need those times to slip away, rest, and find myself again...but if i'm gone too long please come and find me because my withdrawal can easily turn into depression...i know it's a very fine line, one that's often hard to decipher and distinguish, but i need you to do that for me...and you'll be relieved to know you don't have to say a word...you just have to crawl up beside me in my darkness, pull me close, and let your breath rest on the back of my neck...i need you to think i'm beautiful because i write...because my writing is so very important to me...i need you to see it's power...i need you to let my words fall over you...sometimes i need you to lie to me...tell me my photograph, my poem, is your favorite, the best you've ever seen/heard...not because i want a foundation of lies but because i have a hard time finding my own worth and sometimes i need to believe something, even if it's not quite the truth, so that i can become strong enough, confident enough, to find and accept the truth...i need you to think i'm beautiful because movies are so important to me...it's not because i'm shallow...it's because i sometimes think i was born in the wrong time period...that i should have been born when Hollywood was young and new...and movies were few and far between...and Clark Gable, Myrna Loy, Greta Garbo, Jean Harlow, Cary Grant and others ruled the screen...and because i didn't get to live through that remarkable time period i am doing the best i can with what i have...i need you to think i'm beautiful because people fascinate me...because i can get totally absorbed in a person when i find him/her so incredibly fascinating...i need you to understand that i'm drawn to them because i see something in them that gives me a clearer picture of who i am...or because they show me something in myself i have not been able to reach...i need you to find beauty in the way i find pieces of myself through pieces of someone else...i need you to find beauty in my messy, overrun, stacked to tumbling, bedside table because everything piled on it is a sign of someone of passion...i need you to think i'm beautiful because i laugh loud and full...because sometimes in a dark movie theater my laugh is so loud people turn and look at me...i need you to see the beauty in that because so often i hold back and those few times i don't are really moments to be celebrated...i need you to think i'm beautiful because sometimes i step outside just to feel the cold rain on my skin, because sometimes i call you on the phone to make sure you're watching the sun set, because i like to step outside and watch the clouds shift colors, because i like to get in my car and drive around tree gazing...i need you to think i'm beautiful because i'm able to find little bits of beauty all around me...in things that some people don't even notice...i need you to think i'm beautiful because at this very moment i am working on memorizing Poe's The Raven just for the hell of it...just because i think it would be fun to memorize it...i need you to think i'm beautiful because i'm more like a cat than a dog...a little standoffish but once i trust you, once i feel comfortable with you, i'll crawl right up in your lap and give you all of myself...every last piece...i need you to think i'm beautiful because i have a hunger for god...have always had a hunger for god...i need you to see the courage it takes to explore what that hunger means...to see the courage it takes to try and not limit what it might mean...i need you to think i'm beautiful because i'm open to the exploration and i'm willing to go where some people are too afraid to go...i need you to think it's beautiful that loving myself is so important to me...i need you to think i'm beautiful because i'm trying to do my part to take care of this world...and because i have a little crush on Al Gore...i need you to think i'm beautiful because i want to capture the poetry of the world through my photography...i need you to think i'm beautiful because i am trying so hard to live fully, bravely, fearlessly and with an open heart and mind...i need you to think i'm beautiful because i am committed to finding my voice and my vision even when i'm not certain what that means...i just know i ache and that i have to follow the ache...i need you to think that one of the most beautiful things about me is the ache...
what do you need people to see?...what do you want others to find beautiful about you?...
This is an incredibly powerful and beautiful post...and it was really hard for me to read. I'm so removed from reaching out for what I need...feeling mostly hopeless that I'll ever have anyone in my life who would fill these kinds of needs for me. AND, thank you for writing and sharing this.
Posted by: Marilyn | February 03, 2008 at 07:54 AM
very pretty
Posted by: cyndi | February 01, 2008 at 05:48 PM
this was sooooo beautiful...it actually brought a tear to my eye !
Posted by: Beth | February 01, 2008 at 12:40 PM
This was beautiful. So open, so honest, so pure. Thank you for sharing your heart and soul with us.
Posted by: Jennifer | February 01, 2008 at 10:22 AM
I hope you have heard when i do tell you these things during our phone dates.
You are beautiful, your writing is the best I have read and your photos are stunning. You are so talented at so much.
My one weakness may be that I can let the lines blur between respecting space and coming to snuggle uo beside you because it your legs have fallen asleep and you just can't seem to move from that spot-so to speak.
I adore you beautiful one.
Posted by: Thea | February 01, 2008 at 05:28 AM
oh michelle.
this was...dare i say it?
beautiful beyond words...
i read enthralled...captivated...pulled in.
intense.
honest.
real.
poignant and powerful all at once.
wow.
Posted by: gkgirl | January 31, 2008 at 03:10 PM
oh michelle.
this was...dare i say it?
beautiful beyond words...
i read enthralled...captivated...pulled in.
intense.
honest.
real.
poignant and powerful all at once.
wow.
Posted by: gkgirl | January 31, 2008 at 03:10 PM
that was gorgeous, angel - thank you for sharing it with us x
Posted by: susannah | January 31, 2008 at 02:20 PM
Dearest Michelle ~ You are so beautiful ~ And we are so similar!!! So I am feeling pretty hot right now too ;P Loved this post. I will try this exercise. HUGS ~
Posted by: Alex | January 31, 2008 at 01:26 PM
I enjoyed reading your post today.
It spoke words I want to say to my husband. I may read it to him.
St. Augustine has said that we will never rest until we find God.
May you always love and embrace your search.
Posted by: Victoria | January 31, 2008 at 11:13 AM
Michelle, had I the talent or guts I could have written that too (minus the Al Gore part :). That kind of love from someone is a tall order, something that would take a lifetime to achieve, I feel blessed to be on such a road with my spouse. thank you for taking the time to write with such realness and honesty.
Posted by: shona | January 31, 2008 at 11:00 AM
You might find this site interesting:
Concrete Wolf Poetry Chapbook Series has been publishing chapbooks since 2001.
"We look for chapbook manuscripts that feel more like cohesive collections than selected poems. We like poetry that invites the reader into the conversation.
We publish chapbooks via our annual contest. We do not accept unsolicited submissions. Each year we publish a winning chapbook and sometimes an editor's choice."
http://concretewolf.com/index.html
I would love to see you published.
Posted by: hele | January 31, 2008 at 10:05 AM
Beautiful, truly. I feel this way sometimes when I read other women's blogs, seeing so much beauty in their words and their creativity and their deep, vulnerable hearts, and I always wonder if the other people in their lives recognize and appreciate those things in them. I hope yours do.
Posted by: Bethany | January 31, 2008 at 09:32 AM
I see your soul in this, and yes, it is beautiful. xoxo
Posted by: deirdre | January 31, 2008 at 09:31 AM
Beautiful, truly. I feel this way sometimes when I read other women's blogs, seeing so much beauty in their words and their creativity and their deep, vulnerable hearts, and I always wonder if the other people in their lives recognize and appreciate those things in them. I hope yours do.
Posted by: Bethany | January 31, 2008 at 09:30 AM
I could not stop reading this. You are truly beautiful.
Posted by: bella | January 31, 2008 at 09:06 AM
Michelle you are simply the most beautiful person I know/see!! In and Out!!
Posted by: Irma | January 31, 2008 at 06:27 AM
you are beautiful just because. but you're especially beautiful for sharing such a lovely, powerful piece of writing. thank you.
Posted by: amy | January 31, 2008 at 12:21 AM