Rules of Engagement: Part 2
You may be wondering what prompted yesterday's post, where it came from, and what it was all about. Two recent incidents made me think about the things we value in ourselves and the things we find beautiful about ourselves...
Incident 1: It was a Saturday morning and I was preparing to bathe. I always think it's a romantic idea to lie in the tub while reading a book however it never works quite the way I envision it because inevitably I get the pages all wet and end up frustrated with the whole thing. This particular morning I had chosen a book of poetry, one I hadn't picked up in several years. The B-Dog and I have been working on memorizing short poems and I thought I might find one in this book that we could work on together in February. While I was lying there in the warm water flipping through the pages a flower which I had pressed between the pages of this book at some point in time came fluttering out landing softly on my chest. It was paper thin and perfect, the petals a beautiful translucent cream color with tiny pink veins, the stamen, now a nice pale green, lying softly across itself. I picked it up, fingered it, held it against my lips, then placed it back into the pages of the book to be discovered all over again another day. But not before I realized I liked the fact that many of my books contain theses pressed treasures. I truly like this about myself. It's certainly not unique to me alone but all the small things about us, like pressing flowers in our books, combined as a whole form the skeleton of who we are and that skeleton is fleshed out throughout our lives by experience, choice, personality, up-brining, etc. All these little things that make us who we are give us our beauty. And then I begin to think about other little things about myself that I like and value and that I think contribute to my beauty.
Incident 2: Several days after the pressed flower in the bathtub incident I was lying in bed trying to sleep when I recalled a conversation I had with a friend right before my ex-husband and I split up. It's hard to believe that will be 10 years ago this upcoming summer. She had come over after I called her...again...in distress over my crumbling marriage. I was lying across the love seat, she was lying across the couch, the only light in the room the soft glow of a table side lamp. I don't remember her exact words but I remember she told me how sad it made her that the person I had married, the person I'd chosen to spend my life with, couldn't see all the things about me that were beautiful, all the things that she could see, all the little things that make me who I am and give me a sense of beauty and individuality. She hated that the things she found most beautiful and valuable about me meant nothing to him. She hated that he totally missed me, missed the essence of who I am and the glimmers of beauty that shine in the small things I do everyday...things like pressing flowers between the pages of books. She hated that he would never appreciate some of the most beautiful aspects of my character. It has been years since I'd thought about that night and that conversation but I remember how it impacted me at the time and how bits of that conversation helped me to let go of my marriage, to let go of a person who didn't see or appreciate the beauty in me.
Both of these recent incidents made me start to think about what I find beautiful about myself. They made me consider the things I would like people to see in me, things that I hope they don't miss, things that I hope they consider beautiful as well. I began to list some of those things in my journal. I began to wonder who sees these things and values these things about me and who misses them. And I began to wonder about what others see in me that I don't see, what little, unique things about me they find beautiful that I miss.
We all want to be seen and for me an important part of being seen is hoping others see all those little things I like about myself, the things I value in myself, the things I find beautiful about myself. Last night's post was about saying to you, to myself, to the universe as a whole, these are a few of those little things...I hope you see them...and I hope you find them beautiful because I find them beautiful...I hope that by holding them up you now see them in a different light. It was about saying look a little closer because I don't want you to miss this about me because I think it's something that's special about me. It was about saying, yes I know I'm imperfect but there's beauty in the imperfection, there's a deeper meaning in the messes, there are fascinating intricacies in the compulsions and obsessions, there's something sacred and holy about our everyday processes, and there are little things, often overlooked, often tossed aside, often seen as unimportant, annoying, and sometimes ridiculous that really are important. It seems to be so much easier to criticize myself than to embrace the things I like about myself and creating this small list helped me to be more aware of the things I really do like about myself. And it help me clarify why I like these particular things...what they mean. Those little things I like are there, they show up everyday. I need to acknowledge them, embrace them, honor them, and hold them up for others to see knowing some people won't be able to see them but many people will. I hope you see them. And I hope you will take some time to think about a few of the things you find beautiful about yourself and that you'll choose to share them with us so that we can also honor them and celebrate them.
