10 days

It's been ten days since my last post.  I just haven't felt much like blogging.  I just haven't felt like much of anything.  With my time I have been making choices, choices I hope will refresh and renew. Instead of blogging I have been crawling into bed a few minutes earlier than normal.  Instead of writing I have been curling up with a good book, something I haven't done in a long while.  Instead of reading blog posts and e-mails I have been reading the work of Sharon Olds.  Instead of using my creativity here in the blog world I've been using it out in the 'real' world.  I've been making these choices in an attempt to nurture myself because I've been feeling...well, I'm not exactly sure how to describe it.  I'm not really under the weather up I do feel freakin' exhausted by all of life.  And then I realized something--I felt this way this time last year, and the year before that.  And then I realized something else--I think I hate Christmas.  This came as quite a surprise to me because I've always loved Christmas.  When did this happen?  When did I become the girl who hates Christmas?  It's not really Christmas itself that I hate.  I don't really hate the meaning of Christmas or what Christmas is supposed to be.  I hate everything surrounding Christmas.  I hate the stress of gift buying not because I don't like giving but because I hate the financial strain and trying to figure out what people who have so much really need anyway.  I hate playing Santa not because I don't want my son to experience the joy and wonder of Christmas morning but because I hate fighting crowds of people at every store in town (which is why I did a good portion of my shopping at Amazon.com.)  And I think what I hate most is the decorating.  I love the pretty decorations, the lights, the ornaments, the stockings.  I just hate the time and energy that goes into getting these things out and up.  And the only thing I might hate more than decorating is un-decorating.  All this time and energy spent only to turn around a few days later and do it all over again, this time to get everything put away until next year when I get to do it all over again...sigh. 

I made this surprising discovery about my feelings towards Christmas this weekend while trying to complete my Christmas shopping.  While at Toys R Us searching for a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle Van (one of two items requested from Santa), having already searched 3 Wal-Marts, a Target, and K&B Toys, with no success, I wanted to sit in the middle of the floor and cry.  I didn't care about the other stressed-out and frantic parents.  I didn't care who stepped on me, stumbled over me, or had to go out of their way to get around me.  I just wanted to sit there and cry.  That's when I realized how much I hate all of this, how at one point it may have been fun, even thrilling, but not any more.  Now it's just a huge pain in the ass, not to mention a total joy killer.  Then I realized it again later in the day when I fought my way to the local shopping mall to find a snow globe (Santa always brings a snow globe because I thought that one day, when the B-Dog is grown and on his own, that it might be fun for him to have an entire collection of snow globes to display at Christmas).  As I exited JC Penny's and entered the main corridor of the mall I heard the tinkling of bells being played by a hand-bell choir.  Again I wanted to sit on the floor and cry, not because I hated the moment but because I realized that I wasn't enjoying any of this, that while others were stopping to enjoy the music, huge smiles on their faces, the tinkling bells causing them to momentarily forget about the stress and commercialism of Christmas, all the ding-a-linging was doing for me was making me see just how far from enjoying Christmas I have actually come...and that made me really, really sad, sad because I don't know when or how this happened, sad because I can't believe it happened to me, sad because, well, what is more depressing than hating Christmas.  Isn't it supposed to be the most wonderful time of the year?

There's this wise and compassionate part of me that knows I don't have to do any of these traditional Christmas things...or at least not to the extent I have done them all in the past.  And then there's this other part of me that feels obligated to do it all and to do it to the best of my ability not just because I'm a mother and I have a child counting on me to create Christmas memories but because I owe it to myself, because if I don't do at least some of the traditional Christmas things then it feels like the Christmas stress, the Christmas blues, the Christmas commercialism have won, and I'm not ready to surrender, not ready to call it quits.  As much as Christmas currently feels like a huge pain in the ass I'm still not ready to not have Christmas.  I'm still not ready to forget about decorating the Christmas tree, buying gifts, driving around looking at sparkly colored lights, or hanging the stockings by the chimney with care.  I'm not quite to the point where I'm ready to tell Santa to beat it.  There is still enough Christmas spirit left in me to keep me going, to keep me from becoming the Grinch, or Ebenezer Scrooge.  There's still just enough to possibly save me, and Christmas at our abode...I just might not have my decorations up until the day before Christmas...and they might not come down until Valentines Day.

Comments

[Rachel]

I just found your blog today, and I am so happy I did. I have been absent from my blog this past month for the exact same reasons! I have made myself so tired from all the Christmas craze that I am now sick with a cold.

Really beautiful photos, and I love your honesty.

[jenica]

amen.

amen to online shopping!

take it easy, be gentle with yourself. sit down and make some snowflakes with your son and forget about making magical memories, those will happen all on their own. because you are one magical mama!

and amen to what darlene said!

my tree NEVER comes down until valentine's. i just think that january is too dreary to not have anything happy hanging out in your living room!

[Tickled Pink]

I know that men do not feel this way. It's absurd how much responsibility we feel over meeting other people's needs during a regular year, let alone the holidays. Every year I say I'm going to plan early, but I don't.

Thank you for being so articulate on such a tough subject. You honest is consistantly refreshing.

[Sam]

December has seemed to consume all of my time, too - we had an early Christmas with family this past weekend, thankfully only three kiddos to find presents for - but I do hear you. We get SO BUSY with all the accoutremonts that go with Christmas that it is difficult to enjoy the goodness of Christmas - and I think, deep in our hearts, we are lonely and longing for that magical Christmas feeling that used to break open inside our little kid souls.

Treat yourself gently - and maybe it's time for a return to whatever Christmas means for you? I keep wanting to immerse myself in the Christmas story, even in fictional accounts - but that's just me. Light your candles, spread out your twinkly lights - and oh! I hope you found that dang Ninja Turtle van!

[daisies]

i was right there with you last christmas, i had a bit of a meltdown i think and there was a mall crying incident and another incident where someone actually ran into me and then there was this moment when all my family was around and we laughed and played games and opened presents and ate and i felt wonderful, relaxed and blissful....

... i took that day and decided to find a way to not have a stressful time of it this year. so i bought and made my presents last month, early last month. that way i could avoid the malls and stress of trying to finish up that last homemade gift. they have been wrapped and ready to go for a while now. i also decided not to blog words, i have been doing images instead and reconnecting to my photography because that always relaxes me. my tree has been sitting empty for days but i enjoy the smell that permeates the air and tonight we are decorating it, we waited until there was time and didn't stress about it because it looks nice and the presents provide a bit of colour :)

so far so good ...

i think there is always so much expectation and its nice to try and keep it simple doing what gives you joy ... thinking of you and hopeful that you will breathe in gentleness and find that joy in your heart ...

xox

[Elizabeth]

oh, thank you for this wise post-- have been feeling SUCH the grinch and yes, December is not my favorite month--- somehow it always pinches me. Hope writing this out has loosened things up for you, I know reading it has for me.

[claire]

Glad to hear you are making time to nurture yourself and your creativity - that's so important.

Maybe some of the rituals you incorporate into your family's Christmas season could be those which support and nurture quiet time and peace and relaxation. Maybe it's time for some new rituals? Lighting Christmas candles at night with no telly and reading or quiet music perhaps?

Glad you posted - I missed you!

[gkgirl]

i know that you are not alone in
feeling this way.

my saving grace is to live up to
my own expectations
regarding christmas.
i buy people things that i love and hope
that they will love too but my heart will
not be broken if they regift or return it...

and i think that by being aware
(which you are so good at being in tune to yourself) you will not allow the total
opposite end of the spectrum to happen...

sending you hugs and hugs and hugs...

[wendy]

A very honest post. I think you would be surprised by the amount of people right there with you. Me included.

For me weeping has become a holiday tradition. I think I have to be ok with that. I think the miracle of Christmas is that it exposes us to memories, hidden dreams. It uncovers the little child in each of us.

Don't stress too much. Sending you some holiday peace. Peace with your life, lovely just the way it..and you..are.

[Dee]

I wrote pretty much the same thing yesterday... mine has more to do with not being with my family this year and missing them... so I wrote out a list of things I can do for myself... I felt a lot better. I'm not a shopper and used to make all my Christmas presents, I think I'm going to go back to that, and for my daughter I'm going to give her certificates for us to go shopping together.... double good... spending time together and not having to spend money all now... doesn't solve the problem of decorating, or undecorating though...

I wanted to let you know, you're not alone.... and send you some {hugs}

[kristine]

I understand the feeling. About three years ago my husband and I made the decision to stay away from the mall all together. We have even made adjustments in our giving to do away with the pressure and crowded frenzy of the mall. A few years ago I started giving gifts that could be consumed or items that we useful, based on looking at what friends and relatives use. The whole search for something to give and the pressure of the perfect gift made me crazy. As for the tree - keep it simple. It can be pretty and simple. Hang in there! My thoughts are with you...