SPC {What I Wear-3}

What I think is just as interesting as what we wear is what we don’t wear…or maybe I should say what we don’t let ourselves wear...you know, those things you can imagine yourself in yet you never wear...those things you long to wear and yet you hold back.  If you’re anything like me then every once in awhile you’ll catch a little glimpse of yourself, in a vision, in a dream, in a daydream, and you’ll realize that who you are now and who that person is in the daydream are pretty widely separated.  It’s not that one is any more true than the other.  It’s just that they’re different pieces of you.  I have a piece that’s pretty subdued and wears mainly t-shirts with skirts/slacks/jeans...and panty hose...and then I have other pieces that are a little more exciting, a little more eclectic, and little more outrageous and adventurous.  Both are true of me.  But I have recognized that I tend to live more out of the subdued piece than the more fun, bold, bohemian pieces.  There are different reasons for that.  For one, sometimes I doubt I could really pull off the look I have in my head, my dream, my daydream.  For instance, I love tattoos.  I have three.  But if I really gave into my fancy…and if I had the money…I’d be covered in tattoos.  I love them that much.  A good friend and I love to regularly visit our favorite local sandwich shop.  It’s next door to a tattoo parlor and was started by the wife of the owner of the tattoo parlor.  Having a lot of tattoos is almost a prerequisite for working at this sandwich shop.  I see these beautiful bohemian women covered in color and I think, god I wish I could pull that off.  But I’m not certain I could.  I think I’d either look trashy or worse, I'd look like a wannabe.  I’m a little too conservative to pull it off.  Or maybe it’s just that I feel too conservative.  Maybe that’s not actually how other people perceive me but the way I perceive myself.  I know inside I'm not conservative but I tend to have a hard time shaking that on the outside.

Which brings me to reason number 2: self-perception.  I have always felt like the cute one.  The one who wears lots of pink and lots of lace and lots of ‘cute’ shoes, etc.  And there is a part of me that is cute.  But I think at some point I grabbed onto that label so tightly that dressing any other way feels…well…it feels odd.  I know there are so many other versions of myself that lie right under the surface but I don’t know how to move into those versions because I don’t know exactly how to let go of the perception of myself as cute.  Now there’s nothing wrong with cute so I hope you’re not hearing me say that.  Cute is fine.  But that’s not all I am.  I am so many other things that I just don’t know how to get to, how to express.  When I try and it goes against my self-perception it just feels uncomfortable.

And then there’s reason number 3 for why I don’t let myself wear some of the things I’d like to wear: I’m scared of what other people will think/say.  I’m afraid of other people’s opinions.  So I choose to play it safe and stay with a style that only reveals a sliver of who I truly am.  Women are the worst about this.  I don’t know that men notice what women wear (unless it’s something really revealing or something really outrageous) nearly as much as women do.  I’ve never heard a man whisper to another man, who does she think she is today wearing that dress?  Oh but I’ve heard women whisper to other women.  And god I hate being talked about.  Don’t you?  Sadly I hate it so much that I rarely take chances.  I rarely go for something a little more ‘creative’ and instead stick with the basics—the skirt and t-shirt.

I started this month’s SPC out by talking about not feeling like I have style, feeling like I don’t really have a “look.”  Maybe part of that is because I’m not really willing to invest a lot of money into a wardrobe.  I like to spend my money on other things…like poetry books.  Maybe part of that is because I have so many pieces of myself vying for attention that I’m not certain which one to dress.  Maybe part of that is because I haven’t quite learned how to not give a shit about other people’s opinions and to shrug off any behind-the-back talk.  And maybe part of that is because I’m still holding on to a perception of myself that is limited and incomplete.  I haven’t surrendered to the vision of myself I see in dreams and daydreams and I’m still holding on to what is familiar, comfortable, and expected.  I’m still seeing myself as someone I’ve outgrown.

There seem to be several themes running in my life right now and one of those themes is owning my life, creating my life, clarifying and defining the vision I have of myself.  In some areas that has been a little easier than in other areas.  When it comes to letting clothing express what dwells on the inside I know I’ve had several different visions of myself over the years.  About 7 or so years ago, before B was born, if you’d asked me what one article of clothing I really wanted to own I would have said some type of cape...like this one.  I was in a very Fleetwood Mac phase at the time and totally adored Stevie Nicks.  Before that I wanted a crunched up cowboy hat.  At the time they weren’t nearly as popular as they are now and I had a really difficult time finding one.  Now I find myself drawn to cowboy boots.  I want a whole variety that I can wear with skirts and dresses.  The summer before this past summer I went with my mom to visit a high school friend of hers who lives a little more than an hour away from Santa Fe.  I love that area.  Something about the desert, that wide expanse of space and sky, the small accents of color on an otherwise brown canvas, the crumbling remnants of a time that no longer exists, all of that really appeals to me.  Since that trip I have seen myself more than once roaming around the desert, my camera around my neck, wearing boots with my skirts.  So you know I just had to break down and buy myself a pair (which is a pretty great story that I might share sometime but not tonight as this post is already getting too long.)  I haven’t worn them very often because, although I love them and will often just pull them out of the closet to lovingly stare at them, I don’t exactly know how to wear them.  I don’t know how to get the ‘look’ I want and nothing in my closet seems to match that ‘look,’  I also struggle to wear them because I don’t feel quite at home with them yet.  I’m still holding back a little…still a little afraid of the unfamiliar feeling they illicit…and still a little scared of possible comments that might be made in my direction such as, who the hell does she think she is today, wearing her boots like she's all that?  But I’m working on owning this part of myself, this vision of myself as someone a little more free-spirited than I normally express.

If I look at all these examples of clothing cravings there seems to be an underlying theme linking them together.  For me each article (the cape, the crunched up cowboy hat, the boots) represents a part of myself I don’t allow to have much breathing room.  They represent a piece of myself that is more bohemian, more free, more alive, more colorful, more powerful, more self-assured, more self-possessed.  So when these clothing cravings sneak up on me, when I can’t stop seeing myself in boots with skirts that drag in the desert dirt and get caught on cacti, I know it’s because there is something I need to pay attention to.  I know those cravings are hints about all the ways I don’t express myself.  They're symbols of everything that’s real and true that I keep locked away out of sight.  I know it’s my own spirit just wanting to have permission to be a little bigger, a little more real, a little more expressive.  I know those cravings are pieces of myself crying out to be set free.  They're expressions of my longing to be a more complete version of myself.  So when you see me wearing my boots know that today I had the courage to be a little more of the person I know I am underneath the labels, the fears, the discomfort, the doubts, the past, the insecurities.  I had the courage to be a fuller version of myself than the limited version I so often cling to out of familiarity and comfort.   

Comments

[nicole]

this shot is simply beautiful... even without your words.

i have a pair of cowboy boots that i love,love, love to wear - although i don't wear them often enough. i tend to dress a bit quirky and wear funky clothes and the stares are sometimes bothersome, but i just try to ignore it.

lovely post.

[cheeky]

Don't ever surrender that vision of yourself in dreams. Allow it to flourish.
The boots are gorgeous. Wear 'em and wear 'em proud. I know it's easier to say sitting on the outside here, but you can do it.
Who cares if they match, etc. Matching is overrated. Besides, it only takes one cool accessory to light up a look. The boots will do just that.
You take absoluteley beautiful photos.
xo

[cheeky]

Don't ever surrender that vision of yourself in dreams. Allow it to flourish.
The boots are gorgeous. Wear 'em and wear 'em proud. I know it's easier to say sitting on the outside here, but you can do it.
Who cares if they match, etc. Matching is overrated. Besides, it only takes one cool accessory to light up a look. The boots will do just that.
You take absoluteley beautiful photos.
xo

[kristen]

Wow. Powerful words here. I dress for myself, always have. I get stared at and boy, do I feel uncomfortable. A lot. I try not to care. Because the alternative... toning it down, dressing more sedately...I feel worse in that kind of clothing, than when I 'think' someone is judging me.

I've always been able to hide my tattoos. It was only very recently, that I got one on my arm - it still shocks me a little, especially because it's a bit wonky.

I could totally see you in the clothes you're drawn to. I think you'd look great in dresses and skirts with cowboy boots, I think because you work in a university environment you could pull this off both professionally and in a way that brings your sense of style to the surface.

Make no mistake that you have style girlfriend, and a great eye. xo

[gkgirl]

i relate to this now,
but i have not always related.

when i was younger, i always had my
own sense of style...i wore whatever
i wanted whenever and never really
worried about it...because it was
alway ok...my boyfriends size 42 pants
rolled up 15 times and cinched with a belt?
no problem. a burgandy blazer from
the used clothing store that has a
patch saying "security"? i wore that
til i was 30...

but around 30, i went through a thing,
that i worried that other people were
going to think that i was trying to dress
younger than i am...
and so i went much more conservative...
but now, it seems to be passing,
the closer i get to 40...
i'm back to not caring
and wearing what i want to wear..
don't get me wrong,
i second guess myself sometimes,
but just..not as often.

but you?
based on only having ever seen photos of you,
i would not have pegged you as the
"cute" one (not because you are not, because
you definately are!)
but i would have pegged you
as the deep one, the introspective one,
the quirky one with the cool glasses
and awesome hair color.

weird, huh?

damn.
this is long for a comment.

[maile]

i adore those boots! and photos. really beautiful.

[marni]

I SWEAR I only clicked post once!!! I don't know why it is showing up 3 times.

Marni

[marni]

I so TOTALLY relate to this. I never have found a "clothing identity".

I also love cowboy hats and boots. I especially love the boots you bought. Where did you get them?

Marni

[marni]

I so TOTALLY relate to this. I never have found a "clothing identity".

I also love cowboy hats and boots. I especially love the boots you bought. Where did you get them?

Marni

[marni]

I so TOTALLY relate to this. I never have found a "clothing identity".

I also love cowboy hats and boots. I especially love the boots you bought. Where did you get them?

Marni

[boho girl]

i totally dig these portraits of you.

i've always been one to wear different types of pieces and perhaps part of this is because i was the baby in my family and had a strong urge to create my own place and voice in this world.

knowing you the way i do, i sense that you really enjoy being different and having your own voice and you resonate with this part of me in our friendship.

i think its time to shock your southern conservative town with some more tattoos and some WILD bohemian clothing, girlfriend. how fun to explore another creative part of you that is already deep within but just needs to start roaring.

when you come visit me, i challenge you to only pack bohemian clothes and if you need more, we'll find them at thrift shops and boutiques!!! begin now.

you're gorgeous...

love you.

[claire]

I can so relate - I've written many similar posts to the point I began to worry that people would think it was all I think about!

I have a new promise I've made to myself which, so far, is working really well. I've started buying pieces that fall into the category of 'I don't-think-that's-not-me-but-I-wish-it-was' items of clothing. And I allow myself to wear them on the weekend when I don't have to conform to work expectations. I find the more I dress like me in the weekends, the less of a deal it seems to wear something different to my norm, and slowly it becomes just another normal accepted thing to do.

[joy hennin]

Thanks for your reflection. What we wear (or don't wear) for many of us is just as much of an artistic statement as anything else we might create. I find that I come across similar internal struggles when I'm having a 'creative block' with artwork. Sometimes I feel that with my wardrobe. I can't find the right thing to wear to express myself. I know many of my motivations of what I ultimately put on can come from my fear of what others might think or feel about me because of my self-expression. I long to get wild and wear funky stuff on days I'm feeling spunky. So thanks for inspiring me with your boots and skirt today, I think I'll go to my clothing palate with new eyes today.

[deirdre]

I love the boots and was going to say how cute they are, and they really are, but they've got some attitude as well.

This post went straight to a part of me that wants to be hipper, more comfortable, more stylish and isn't quite sure how to go about it. I'm kind of a simple girl clothes wise and have a hard time being objective about my looks. And I'd really rather spend money on my house. There's a very practical thing going on for me.

I hope you wear those boots a lot. They suit you.

[Irma]

You Rock Michelle! So glad you were your boots to work today! Maybe we can head out to Stien's for lunch today! Lucky me!!

[Frida]

I love your boots, love, love love them and I love that you bought them after that fabulous image of you walking in the desert in your boots nad skirt with your camera around your neck. Maybe women in NZ talk less about what other women wear or maybe I've somehow been blessed with poor hearing in that regard. I spend more of my time worrying whether i'll be warm, cool, comfortable enough. The song "Four Seasons in One Day" was written in my part of the world after all.

[Marilyn]

Although I often relate greatly to what you write, this is one area where my experience has been very different. Even in high school, I wore what my girlfriends thought were the oddball clothes. These days I've let a lot of that go, but mainly out of laziness and comfort than for any self-expression reasons. I hope you won't take this the wrong way, but I've never thought of you as "cute." I've thought of a lot of adjectives when thinking about you, but cute isn't one of them. I've always seen you as very earthy and womanly...and I mean that in a HOT way! :) That's why when you write about pantyhose it doesn't compute--I simply cannot imagine it. OWN those boots, girl! I spent years practically living in a pair of red cowboy boots (wore 'em so much I had to re-sole and re-heel several times)...those boots took me places, on many levels. You may already do this, but I learned decades ago that thrift stores are a great avenue to the kind of wardrobe self-expression you're seeking...because you can express yourself without dropping a lot of dimes.

[colorsonmymind]

Oh my fucking god-I love you secy girl. You have described me again. I am with you on all of this. I want to wear more hats-I have 4 but only feel comfy wearing one-the others I feel dorky in. I want to get some motorcycle boots-an old ratty saggy pair of brown ones-but then I think what would I wear them with my kackis? I often don't think I am worth the investment of buying enough new clothes that the funky stuff wouldn't look so odd-because I have enough other funky bohemian stuff to wear it with.

I often see a girl-especially online-like deni-sus and mermaid that I just want to look like them. I also play the card that my body shape doesn't lend itself to the style I crave. I am large chested-top heavy-no hips and not skinny enough. Hmmm all these thoughts usually just linger under my subconcious-thank you baby for getting me to think about this more.

By the way I so see you in the boots and the outfit here-absolutely smashing.

Oh and when you see me wearing a hat you know I am feeling funky and brave that day.
Love you

[jenica]

so what kind of ink would you get? i don't think that anyone with more than one tat is a wannabe, you're inked for life! ;-D

i totally felt my spirit resonating with this post. i dress SO plainly now in comparison to what i used to wear. marriage definitely put a cramp in my style. hehe. not like he doesn't let me dress the way that i want, but suddenly you're not just representing yourself, you are now WE.

i used to wear pigtails several times a week. now, i feel like i'm copying my own girls! hehe. now THAT's a wannabe.

xoxo