When Death Takes You Off Guard

I've been laying low the past week.  It's been an emotional time for my family.  My uncle, someone who meant a lot to me and others in my family, died last Saturday (September 30th).  He was just one of those people so full of life that the thought of his being gone, at least physically, has been hard to wrap my head around.  Life, at least for my family, won't be the same without him.  He won't be there to keep us all laughing.  He won't be there to pull pranks and make jokes.  He won't be there to make fun of my mom which I think was one of his biggest enjoyments at family gatherings.  He just won't be there and that thought is a lot to comprehend.

As people have offered their condolences over the past week they've asked if his death was expected.  Well, yes and no.  In April I wrote a post about his cancer diagnosis.  We are a very close knit family and had yet to lose a member of our little tribe to death.  He would be, and was, the first.  So on the one hand, yes, it was expected.  He had liver cancer.  The prognosis was grim.  We all knew that.  We knew even if we really couldn't grasp it, that he was dying.  But on the other hand it took us, at least me anyway, by surprise.  I don't think any of us expected his death to come so soon.  I for one thought it would take a little longer, be a little more drawn out.  I certainly didn't want him to suffer but I think I also assumed there would be more time, time in the hospital, maybe even time at home with Hospice.  When I received the call from my mom last Saturday letting me know he'd been taken to the emergency room because he was experiencing pain it never crossed my mind that he might not make it.  When my sister called in tears I know I made her repeat the news at least three times.  It just wouldn't sink in.  So in that regards it was unexpected. 

When you think you have time you put off doing and saying the important things.  I thought we had time so a lot of my grief over the past week has been because someone I loved dearly is no longer here and I didn't tell him how much he meant to me.  I didn't get a chance to tell him goodbye.  I didn't get to tell him I loved him.  My aunt assures me he knew and that he loved all of us in return.  If he had to leave this earth for whatever is next I just wish I could have tied a ribbon around his waist with my name embroidered on it, a little symbolic measure that says you were loved by me.  Yes, he knew he was loved.  But I wish I had had the chance to tell him he was loved by me. 

I was honored to be asked by my aunt to write a poem about my uncle that was distributed at his funeral last Wednesday.  I was honored...but that doesn't mean it was easy.  It wasn't easy at all.  How do you put into words what someone's life meant to the people that knew and loved him?  You can't, not fully  or comprehensively.  Words are powerful and yet they can still fall short.  They are never as powerful as love.  They are only a glimmer of love.

You never know how death will impact you until it happens.  I had no idea I would sit on the floor of my bedroom and cry until my head hurt, my nose was running, and I had nothing left.  I had no idea that little times throughout the day it would hit me again--he's gone.  I had no idea it would be so hard to write something in honor of his life.  I had no idea that when I saw him in his casket at the funeral home for the first time it would be so hard, that I would need to touch is hand to let him know he meant so much to me.  I had no idea I wouldn't be able to call and say thank you to those who have sent flowers because it would bring all the tears up again.  I had no idea grief could be so exhausting.  I had no idea I would just want to lay low and hide from the world for awhile.  I had no idea I could go back to my everyday life so easily and yet still feel that occasional twinge of loss surface from time to time.

I just had no idea.   

Comments

[Marilyn]

I'm so sorry for your loss (and that I'm so many days late in reading this--I've been so behind). I know how I felt when my aunt passed in March. It just didn't--and doesn't--seem real. HUGS. xoxo

[Sam]

I'm really sorry, Michelle. I read this a couple of days ago (I was getting worried, it was so quiet on both your sites) and thought I'd think of something better or more eloquent than "I'm sorry" but there really is nothing else. What a honor to write a poem for your uncle...

[Sam]

I'm really sorry, Michelle. I read this a couple of days ago (I was getting worried, it was so quiet on both your sites) and thought I'd think of something better or more eloquent than "I'm sorry" but there really is nothing else. What a honor to write a poem for your uncle...

[Sam]

I'm really sorry, Michelle. I read this a couple of days ago (I was getting worried, it was so quiet on both your sites) and thought I'd think of something better or more eloquent than "I'm sorry" but there really is nothing else. What a honor to write a poem for your uncle...

[susan]

So sorry to hear of your loss. Be tender with yourself. Hugs, Susan

[Swirly]

I am so sorry for your loss, and as difficult as it is, it is a good thing that you are diving deep into your grief. How brave you are to go there head first, to feel everything as deeply as you can. I know it may sound strange, but it is an inspiration...I have gotten into a bad habit of holding a lot in over this past year, and I know it is not a good thing. Thank you for sharing this experience. Sending you a big hug.

[Mercers Daughter]

Let your uncle love you from where he is now....Heaven. He knows all truth now, so he knows how much you love him.
Love is all there is we can keep.
God is close to the brokenhearted, if you can,
take some time to listen.
So sorry for your loss,
Victoria

[kristen]

I'm truly sorry for your loss. It's the unexpected emotions that always catch us by surprise. Hugs and love to you Michelle. xoxo

[daisies]

i am so sorry for your loss, sending you all peace and love and caring thoughts ... and a warm hug.

[gkgirl]

first of all,
i'm very sorry for your loss.

and i think
you have written so eloquently,
so true
about how one feels when
they have lost someone....

it is hard to comprehend
until you have been in it.

[angela]

sending peace and love to you. i am sure your words were a beautiful comfort to many.

[liz elayne]

i am so sorry my dear friend. it is so hard and confusing. what a treasure you have given your family by your poem in the midst of this sadness...

it is so true how unexpected the waves of grief can be. how unbelieveable the feelings of loss can be (how we do not want to believe).
i am thinking about you and sending you peace my dear friend.

[NTE]

I'm so sorry. I wish there was a way to make it easier.

[deirdre]

Even when we know it's coming, and soon, there's no way to prepare ourselves for the shock that will echo for a very long time. I can't help but believe that the people we love and lose know, right now, how much we love and miss them. And how our hearts break in their absence.

You'll be in my thoughts. I'll light a candle today.

[Elizabeth]

Michelle, I am so sorry for the pain and grief you are in. The strange thing about grief is that it never goes away, it simply ebbs and flows, some days it's not as acutely present and then, wham, months, years later-- fresh in your face. your uncle sounds like a wonderful man-- full of light and love-- what a gift you were able to give to your whole family by writing that poem-- that is an honor, but it is also a salve for everyone in this raw emotional time-- sending you love.

[DebR]

I'm so sorry for your loss, Michelle.