Coffee Shop Revelations

I thought about posting a self-portrait tonight so that I could get back into the Self Portrait Challenge habit.  I'm feeling a little disconnected from that community and it was that community that first supported my blog.  But I really didn't have anything along the lines of this month's theme (food) and after taking a nice long walk, as clouds gathered and lighting flashed in the distance, I decided there was something more important I needed to write about.

After work this afternoon I went to my favorite coffee shop to write for awhile while T and the B-Dog went to T's parents house for supper.  I love this coffee shop (and I know I've blogged about it multiple times) because its such an artsy place.  Whoever owns and/or operates this coffee shop is definitely an artist.  You can just tell by the decor.  Even the little sign advertising the cost of gum is framed in a tiny gold, vintage frame.  I mean who, other than an artist, would frame the price of the gum...in a cute vintage frame none the less.  It's really a unique place and if you ever come for a visit we'll venture to Sugar Brown's (I adore the name) one evening (or morning) for a nice cup of tea or a latte if that's what you're into. 

In addition to artists, this coffee shop also draws a large church going crowd.  Youth groups congregate there and I've seen a minister or two I've known from my past hanging out there as well.  Tonight, after writing my little heart out, I noticed a table with a couple of teenage guys engrossed in reading and discussing something in their Bibles and another table where the customers where having a deep conversation about God.  Although I didn't overhear this tonight, more than once I've caught bits and pieces of some evangelism happening at the tables.  This all tends to leave me feeling a bit awkward.  I wish I could adequately explain why.  It's something about the past and the present colliding in a surreal way. 

About a decade ago that would have been me (hey, I'm the girl that carried her Bible to school with her everyday of High School) but somewhere along the way my life took a dramatic but much needed turn and my spiritual journey went in a totally different direction.  And I ended up here.  I feel awkward because what I see and hear reminds me so much of my past and how different my life is now.  I'm in such a different place but I haven't quite settled into that place.  I haven't quite owned it.  And because I'm not comfortable with it, because I'm still struggling to be okay with it, being in this kind of environment brings out the very conservative, and often judgmental, grand daughter-of-a-Southern-Baptist-preacher in me.  When that voice of guilt and condemnation starts to get my attention I being to think that where I'm at in my spiritual journey isn't "right" because it's not traditional, it's not what I grew up knowing, it's not what I was taught, and it's not the blueprint for spiritual living I was given to follow.  So I've felt very alone on this journey and when you're alone you start to doubt yourself and your choices. 

But tonight when I saw the teens having their Bible study and overheard the table discussing God I had a moment of peace, a moment when I knew where I am right now is more than okay, it's exactly where I need to be.  Just because my journey took a different turn, just because it looks different from anything I was raised knowing doesn't mean it's wrong.  It just means it's different.  It just means it's MINE.  It's unique and personal and it fits me.  And that's the best kind of spiritual journey to be on. 

I may not bow my head in prayer everyday like I used to years ago but everyday when I pull out my pen and my journal I am praying--just in a different sense than I used to pray.  I may not recite the Lord's Prayer or ask God for help with specific situations/circumstances or list the things I'm grateful for.  But every time I write I'm asking God for something, it's just a little more veiled.  Most of the time I'm not even certain what I'm asking for.  I just know something needs to come out, something needs to be expressed, and the way I do that is by writing.  Every word is a petition for something deep inside that I'm trying to reach.  Every word is gratitude.  Every word is supplication.  Every word is a confession that even my head can't grasp but my soul knows well.  Every word I write is my life's prayer.

I may not attend church on Sundays but every time I make time to quite myself and listen and then spill onto the page what I hear whispering inside is church.  It may be on my lunch hour instead of Sunday morning but it's church none the less.  It may be in my car or on a park bench or at a coffee shop but I promise you it's holier and more sacred, not to mention more real and honest, than anything I ever gave while sitting in a pew at church.

I may not read my Bible everyday but today I read William Stafford and no one can convince me that he did not hear the voice of God as clearly as the apostle Paul.  I have no doubt that had William Stafford lived in the time of Christ, or shortly thereafter, he would have penned a chapter of the new testament, or some kind of psalm or two, but since he didn't, since he lived thousands of years later, he wrote what he knew to write.  He wrote poetry.  And call me a blasphemer if you will but I believe William Stafford's words, as well as Mary Oliver's and many other poets, are God breathed and useful fro teaching, rebuking, correcting, and training in righteousness.

When I was younger I wanted to be a minister.  That hasn't changed.  I still want to be a minister but I don't think my ministry is in the form of a pastor or missionary, etc.  It's in the form of my voice coming through my words.  It's in the form of my voice and my vision becoming one on a blank sheet of paper, or a napkin, or a grocery receipt, or whatever else happens to be available at the moment.  When I was younger I can not tell you the number of times I would passionately and tearfully pray to be spilled out and used up.  That prayer hasn't changed.  Just tonight, after wrapping up my walk, I sat on the curb in our alley, watched the lightening roll in while listening to Counting Crows sing Goodnight Elizabeth, and I prayed that same prayer.  I prayed for the ability to say whatever it is that is aching inside me to be said.  I prayed for words and poems.  I prayed that I could find my voice through my words and that it would be clear and discernible.  I prayed that I would write and write and never run out of words to write until the day I die and even then you can bury me with a new, unused journal and a good, smooth-writing pen.

So even though I've changed I really haven't changed all that much.  Even though my path took a very sharp 90 degree turn the nature of that path is still very much the same.  Then I did what I thought I had to do to convince God...no, to beg God...to work in my life.  I did what I thought I had to do to get God's approval and acceptance so that he (yes, it was a he back then) would be active and present in my life.  Now I do what I do because it's God at work in my life.  I do what I do because God is always present and active in my life.  I do what I do because when I write I feel connected to something greater, deeper, and wiser than myself and I choose to call that God.      

Comments

[Marilyn]

Michelle, this is a beautiful post...and it broke my heart just a tiny bit to read parts of it. I don't mean this in a judgmental way at all...after all, I'm the girl who was taught by nuns for 8 years...who played the organ at Mass...who cleaned the church after school (none of it my choice)...so I know what it feels like to break away. The difference for me is that I never related to any of it while it was happening. I was the one staring out the window lost in my imagination during religion class. This is the part that broke my heart: "So I've felt very alone on this journey and when you're alone you start to doubt yourself and your choices." I wish that you didn't feel alone...because there are so very many of us out here who are right there with you. And maybe you feel alone in your 'real' life (although my blogging life BECAME my 'real' life long ago.) ;) We are, each of us, ministers in our own way. This post reminded me of my Church of the Divine Spark which lives inside me at all times...but which I don't always live inside (if you get my drift). Sending you love and light and peace as you make your way on your journey. I, for one, feel truly blessed to bear witness to what you choose to share of it.

[megg]

Wow - Michelle, you are AMAZING. I can't relate to the stuff at the beginning because I grew up as a minister's daughter - but a minister who preached best in the woods. But I RELATE to the rest. Oh, I breathed your words in and felt like I SAW you. I feel like writing is my spiritual practice as well. I breathe my prayers onto paper and I believe that God is in the spaces between us and in how we try to connect to each other - you ARE a minister, my friend. You touch people's souls with love and THAT is what it is ALL ABOUT!!

[shona]

I guess I am the only reader of your blog who is a Bible reading, Christ loving believer :) It is always interesting to hear the thoughts of others (which is why I love to read blogs) and how they see Christians. Sorry you have felt uncomfortable hearing Christians share their faith, I remember feeling the same way before I was a believer! In fact I use to cringe at the words 'God' and 'Grace'. Your post reminds me to be sensitive when talking to those who see things differently :)
Beautiful photo, as always!

[Frida]

"I do what I do because when I write I feel connected to something greater, deeper, and wiser than myself and I choose to call that God." I couldn't think of a more beautiful way to describe the connection I also seek, and find in my writing and in my work - connected to something greater, deeper and wiser than myself. I also chose to call that God, but I have no problem with those who don't. I love this post, I loved reading about your sense of really possessing your own journey, your own path. Inspiring.

[deirdre]

There's so much in this post that speaks to my heart - I can't even tell you. Unfortunately, my experience with church left me with a deep dislike and distrust for anything god-related and after more than 25 years it's just starting to ease. Writing, on the other hand, is the most sacred, joyful, pure experience I've ever had. I can only call it communion with the divine.

[ceanandjen]

I don't know anyone who could have put this entire concept into better words than you dear M. Wow...so beautifully written. I too, was brought up in a religious house and went to Catholic school etc. etc. My view of spirituality and religion has also taken an complete turn, as I do not believe that they are even close to the same thing. Spirituality is a personal space that includes some of our old ideas in while allowing us to integrate them with our new vision of spirit. We all do this uniquely. Your way...it just pure beauty, plain and simple.

And, you are already a minister. You touch us all. You teach us all. You inspire us all. I never fail to leave either one of your spaces touched.

[liz elayne]

i know i told you this on the phone...but i really do want to just hug you after reading this post.

bravo to you dear girl for speaking your truth. out loud. right here.

[Georgia]

I love your words.

I love your bravery.

I love the inspiration you give me.

I wish I knew how to be more like you...

~Georgia

[jenica]

beautiful lady speaking your beautiful words. you are a minister, preaching words of the soul to me and every other woman that reads you.

(((bighugs)))

[kristen]

this...
"but everyday when I pull out my pen and my journal I am praying--just in a different sense than I used to pray."

amen sister. xoxo

[daisies]

its always wonderful when we can marry our past with our present and follow our own paths, staying true to ourselves ... how wonderful that you are doing that and finding your peace .. xox

[wendy]

Amen Sister!

So odd I wanted to be a priest too. Being catholic...WAY out of the question.

I loved what you wrote about ministering in our own ways.

I often joke that reading and writing is CHURCH to me.

But it is.

Being inspired by peolple who have no reference or ties to me, is I think a grand and reverant gesture of faith.

great post!

[Kirsten Michelle]

i am such a huge admirer of yours, michelle.
your writing always touches me in such a profound and moving way. you write about so many of the issues i find myself wrestling with on this path of self-discovery...and in doing so, you make me feel that i am not alone.
i don't really know how to thank you except to say that you are brave and beautiful and talented beyond words. i hope one day we'll meet face to face and walk down to sugar brown's to sit together for a while.
blessings on your day,
k
xo

[gkgirl]

as always,
your words come through to me
and make so much sense.

you are definitely on your
right path...
and walking strong.

:)

[colorsonmymind]

This picture is so perfect for this post my love.

You are beautiful.

Love you

[JanePoe (aka Deborah)]

The path you're walking Michelle is your path with God, your connection to your spirit, your voice in this universe, the religion of your soul. God is all around us ... manifesting in art, life, nature ... everywhere. Not just in a church, not just between the pages of a bible ... though there is nothing wrong with seeking God there, you've simply realized that there are other avenues as well. Peace & love, JP/deb